Welcome, dear readers, to our regular letter column; a series of missives from and to the internet, delivered by a series of tubes. We welcome your comments and questions. About anything! We’ll answer it, and at least one of us will take you seriously. Maybe.

Your questions can be about comics, because this is a site about comics so we probably shouldn’t grumble about getting questions about them, especially when we’re egotistical enough to like sharing our comics opinions in the first place. Don’t let Brandon’s unassuming demeanour fool you: the dude’s got opinions, and he believes he’s as right as James does about himself. The only difference is that James has more opinions about TV and movies and stuff than Brandon, and that’s why you should send in questions about them. I mean, come on. You know you want to be told you’re right. So what if you’ll probably be told you’re wrong? That’s the luck of the draw, hoss.

You’re welcome, internet.

———-

J (@misslazyj) asks: What should I name the new kitten that I adopt (whenever I find him)?

James: I am a firm believer that pet names should be one of two things: totally nondescript human names or flowery, over-the-top, aristocratic names. So I’ve got a couple of suggestions, for both a boy cat and a girl cat:

Boy:

-Mitch

-The Archduke Sir Reginald Bartholomew Alistair Wigglesworth III, Esq

Girl:

-Rachel

-Su Excelencia, La Condesa Maria Esperanza Lupita Regordeteculata

These are objectively perfect names for pets.

Brandon: As a dude who named his cats Fluffy (after a comic-based Darkwing Duck villain), Cat, Jim and Max, I say always go simple. Naming a cat something like Max has allowed us to come up with a bevy of “full name” options, so something like that.

———-

Greg (@hipsterwannabe) asks: What’s the best old-school R&B song ever made?

James: if we’re going all the way back to rhythm & blues, I’d say that Chuck Berry’s “Maybellene” or Fats Domino’s “Blueberry Hill” is up there. Otherwise, if we’re focusing on the abbreviated R&B of the 60s and 70s, I think it’s a toss-up between three songs:

-Etta James, “At Last”

-Otis Redding, “Try a Little Tenderness”

-This one is stretching it, but Elvis Presley’s “Suspicious Minds” is absolutely goddamn incredible. That plodding rhythm section, as if Elvis is trying to break the inertia of unspoken tension, the plaintive, evident depression in his voice, it just hits me square every damn time.

All of those songs are GOAT contenders, and out of the three I might have to personally give it to “Try a Little Tenderness.” Even though I don’t listen to it as much as I do “Suspicious Minds,” which is in the Top 10 of my iTunes Most Played playlist, I love the passion and edge-of-the-seat sense of losing it that Redding gave live performances of “Try a Little Tenderness.”

And if we’re reaaaaaally stretching it to the 80s, which is almost definitely not “old school,” Chaka Khan’s “Through the Fire” is incredible. I mostly just wanted to talk about Chaka Khan and how the song starts with the line, “I look in your eyes and I can see / We’ve loved so dangerously” and just keeps getting better from there. Hot damn, Chaka.

Brandon: Horseshit. I say it’s “No Diggity”, and as the guy who knows the most about music around here, you should just roll with what I say. No diggity, no doubt. (Drops mic.)

———-

Ryan (@bakpakit) asks: It’s trade deadline week. Will the Oilers make any moves that fans will like?

James: Probably not. I mean, let’s be honest: the Oilers stink and the levels of fan anger are so high that anything less than a spectacular trade will be met with sarcastic jeers, because that’s just how this fanbase is, especially right now. Here are the two basic options:

-The Oilers trade one of their talented young stars for someone a little older with a bit more proven leadership. The fans rebel because the Future of the Franchise is gone.

-The Oilers trade some 3rd or 4th-liner for another 3rd or 4th-liner to try and add a certain, less flashy skillset to the lineup. The fans rebel because it’s not a big enough deal and because the guy they traded for, frankly, isn’t very good.

And dudes, you gotta buckle up for disappointment because one of the two is happening. And hey, I get that when your team sucks, especially for a long period of time (Cubs fan here), it can be frustrating. But at this point, it might just be best to be prepared for disappointment.

Personally, I’ll find it funny if what happened last time the Oilers made a trade happened: fans complained and snarked and rebelled, then the goalie they traded for did amazingly right out of the gate and everybody pretended they weren’t calling him a worthless shit a couple of days earlier.

Brandon: I think trades are like superhero movie casting for people who are into sports. Y’all are so quick to yell before checking out how good a person is inside the team. That said, I really hope Gretzky walks down the ramp at Trade Deadline Arena to a huge pop, and announces his return at the Stanley Cup where he’ll hockey against that Katz dude for control of the Oilers. This is how these things work, yes? This is how these things should work.

———-

Ryan continues: Can we feel excited for Star Wars Episodes 7-9 at the helm of JJ Abrams, or should we be worried?

James: Sure, why not feel excited? Episode 7 is being directed by a talented dude who’s done great family fare sci-fi (Super 8) before. It’s being co-written by Lawrence Kasdan, who cowrote The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi and Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. This is a classic craftsman who has a known history of writing good Star Wars scripts. Members of the original cast are returning. An talented new actor, Adam Driver, may be appearing as a villain. And, very excitingly, they’ve announced that they’re going to go back to using more practical effects as opposed to all CGI, just like the original. We still don’t know a lot, and there’s plenty of room for this to fall apart and suck by the time it opens, but right now, all the pieces look to be in place for a good movie. Hell, they’re even taking a hatchet to the convoluted Extended Universe. I know I’m excited.

The reason to be worried is that maybe you didn’t like the prequel trilogy. But this has different writers, a different director, different cast and different producers. The only real reason to bring translate that worry to the future is that Star Wars isn’t perfect and you’ve been burned before. But when given the choice, I’ll always choose to allay those kinds of worries, because excitement trumps cynicism any day of the week. The worst thing that happens is that I don’t like a couple movies and the ones I do like are still at my home on DVD.

Brandon: I’m pretty excited - mostly because I feels as though this might be my chance to finally get into Star Wars.

———-

Ryan goes on: This past weekend I got a Lego minifigure of Martian Manhunter! Will I ever get a Booster Gold?

James: Maybe. I mean, it could happen, but at the same time, Booster Gold is like a C or D-level DC hero, prestige-wise, so I doubt anyone’s really racing to include him in an upcoming set. If he ends up in one, it’ll be as like the 5th minifig of a set of 6, where the sixth is “Unnamed thug.”

Brandon: Almost definitely! He’s apparently part of the next big DC push arriving in the summer, and you never know!

———-

Ryan is curious: Did you watch the Oscars? Were you happy with the results?

James: I didn’t. I normally do, but I was at a junior hockey game with my dad, and from there I went straight to my friends’ home to watch the new True Detective and by the time I got home, there were only a couple of awards left and I still had to make dinner, so I figured I’d catch up with the results and speeches later.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I don’t particularly care about award show results, because while I do see the importance in examining which movies and works our culture holds up as the “Best,” I also just like seeing a bunch of good-looking people hanging out in cool clothes while the overall last year of film is celebrated. I care more about nominations than winners, and even there, I mostly just like using the nominations as a suggested viewing list. I’m annoyed Fruitvale Station wasn’t really nominated for stuff, because it’s incredible, but oh well, I’ll just keep singing its praises myself. I don’t get upset about wins/losses because my taste isn’t so fragile that I need to be validated by a group of white, male senior citizens with conservative tastes and well-known biases. I basically told Twitter to stop being babies last night for just that reason.

That said, Lupita Nyong’o and Matthew McConaughoney’s acceptance speeches were amazing for entirely different reasons (Nyong’o's was moving, McConaughellyeah’s solidified him as the human version of Air Bud). I’m glad Steve McQueen won, because he seemed delighted. Spike Jonze’s screenplay for Her was marvelous. The only thing I’m even kinda sorta upset about is that The Wind Rises didn’t win for best animated feature, just because it’s the final film of a titan of the medium, filled with melancholy and hope and self-reflection. It would have been nice to see it win, but I also liked Frozen, so whatevs. Go see The Wind Rises, too.

Brandon: I didn’t, because I really only like award things in a group setting where there can be rabble roused, and this year, I didn’t look for a group. Also, you guys, these comics aren’t gonna comics themselves, you know?

———-

Ryan gets sad: Will Leonardo DiCaprio ever win an Oscar for Best Actor? What will it take?

James: Probably? Maybe? Who knows. Peter O’Toole didn’t even win one (lifetime achievement awards don’t count; you don’t win them, you get given them). He could conceivably not ever win, but he’s also a perennial nominee who frequently works with one of the best filmmakers of all time, Martin Scorsese, so I honestly just assume it’s a matter of time. It just hasn’t been his year yet, for whatever reason.

Brandon: I don’t ever want Leo to win - if only so that I can meet him after the show, probably somewhere in the street maybe and go “Hey Leo” to get his attention while lifting my chin for a quick nod to let him know who yelled at him. Then I’d say, “Sorry you didn’t win an Oscar, but you did win this hug”, and then he’d smile and we’d hug, and I would get on a plane and fly back to Edmonton, and never speak of it again.

———-

Ryan wraps up: How do you think they will re-write the character of Johnny Storm to adapt to the casting of Michael B Jordan?

James: I don’t know? They certainly don’t need to; superheroes tend to be white dudes more out of cultural inertia and creators writing dudes who look like them more than anything else, so there’s nothing really inherently white about Johnny in the first place. It’s easy for me to see a version of Johnny played by Michael B. Jordan, who’s still funny and cocky and likable. I’m told that Jordan also played that same type of character in Chronicle (which I’ve avoided because Max Landis is the worst), directed by the same guy (Josh Trank), too. They could literally just write Johnny the exact same way and it would already be a net positive for seeing African American people in the superhero genre. I don’t know much about that lived experience, so I don’t know how they might incorporate it directly into the film, but I hope they find a way, while at the same time avoiding Black People Cliches(tm).

The only thing that might be rewritten is his background, specifically his relationship with Sue Storm, given the different racial backgrounds of the actors portraying the characters. There’s certainly room to keep them sibliings (half, step, adopted, full biological, whatevs), though, and I hope they do. I was talking with a friend about it on Friday, and I like the idea that Sue and Johnny represent a rather unique look at familial relationships in superheroes. There are so many father-son issues in superhero stories, and while I like them when done well, I also value other stories, and Sue and Johnny’s relationship is an interesting one that I hope isn’t rewritten too much. It’s too valuable to toss.

Brandon: I hope they don’t say anything about it. I mean, they’re going to, but I hope they just let it ride. Why does it matter?

———-

Scott (@scottowilliams) asks: What DC characters might best benefit from a “Hawkeye”-fication?

James: I think it depends on what you mean by “Hawkeye”-fication. If you mean it sort of the way Andrew Wheeler did in his piece at ComicsAlliance, as more an esoteric, niche book, probably using a B or C-level hero, whose vision is defined by its creative team, then it’s really hard to say, because so much of that is defined by the creative team and their wishes. Maybe Jeff Lemire has a really killer take on Manhunter he wants to write and draw, or JH Williams III is convinced to come back because Mark Doyle likes his vision with Batwoman and wants to let him run wild. When I think of the defining feature of “Hawkeye” and the similar solo books arising at Marvel, I think of the word “auteur.” And DC’s certainly not averse to publishing these books from time to time - Batwoman was one until the creative team left - so I’d like to believe that really what it will take is just the right team with the right pitch to the right editor (Mark Doyle) at the right time.

That said, if you specifically mean all of that with the hitch of a ground-level, probably unpowered hero dealing with crime and life, I say just scratch out Batman and Batgirl’s names from the list of Bat-family characters and throw a dart. Maybe it lands on Manhunter, or on the Question (Renee Montoya, obvs). There’s good stuff there, ripe for the picking.

Brandon: In terms of a book? Superman by Mark Waid and Chris Samnee. There, DC. I fixed one of your problems. What do you have for me next?

———-

Scott follows up: While we’re at it, what Marvel character would you next like to see in a Hawkeye-fied book?

James: Kathryn Immonen and David Lafuente on Patsy Walker, Hellcat. I want it so bad, you guys. That and a Squirrel Girl book.

Brandon: The Runaways from Nick Spencer and Becky Cloonan.

I literally have a thousand of these, HIT ME.

———-

That’s it for the one hundred and twenty-sixth instalment of Um, Actually. Check in every Monday and Thursday for a brand new column. If you have anything you’d like answered, hit up our contact page! If you submit anything via Twitter – to @blogaboutcomics, @Leask, or @soupytoasterson – remember to include the hashtag #UMACTUALLY so that we don’t lose it. Remember: you can ask us anything. Seriously, anything.