Welcome, dear readers, to our regular letter column; a series of missives from and to the internet, delivered by a series of tubes. We welcome your comments and questions. About anything! We’ll answer it, and at least one of us will take you seriously. Maybe.

Thank you, internet.

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Scott Williams (@scottowilliams) asks: Why doesn’t Batman sit down?

Brandon: For those who might not know, former Batman: The Dark Knight writer Paul Jenkins was told his Batman scripts weren’t up to par, partly due to the fact that he had Batman sit down - and everyone knows that Batman doesn’t sit down, right? RIGHT?

Wrong. In fact, it’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard. I understand wanting action in your action book, but Batman can sit the fuck down every now and then. If I had to hazard a guess as to why this policy was or is in place, it would probably have something to do with DC’s desire for ALL DARK ACTION ALL THE TIME, and dark action doesn’t happen when you’re sitting. To me, that’s the most plausible reason - even if it’s stupid.

James: It’s not just one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard; it’s actually the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, and I used to participate in the comments section on Salon. On one hand, it’s a ridiculous idea for an editor to assert, because the idea that action in a comic has to be so total that Batman doesn’t sit down (even in scenes where it would be kinda weird for him not to) is a really heavy-handed, absurd way to get the point across. To me, a really iconic Batman image is him, slumped in a chair past the point where a regular person would have given up, poring over information and fighting his body’s fatigue. It serves the character well and doesn’t take away from the intensity of the comic. A lot of good scenes have been made with Batman sitting down, and they’re lost by a weird blanket idea.

Plus, it feeds into this really weird, unhealthy fan idea that Batman is only one thing and that one thing is a Total Nonstop Badass Who Kicks Everyone’s Ass Always. I’ve literally seen the “Batman doesn’t sit” idea used to push forward this idea, the one that Batman is the best and totally without any kind of limitation. And, dudes, besides the fact that Batman can be basically anything, and that is one of the best parts of his character, a pretty consistent trait conveyed in Batman media is that he is just a man, no superhuman powers, constantly pushing his own limits. Take away the sitting takes away one of his best traits, in addition to just forcing weird comic situations. Ugh, nerds.

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Scott Williams (@scottowilliams) asks: Given one free punch on anyone or anything, what would your target be?

Brandon: I was going to go with James, probably for those times that he’s drunkenly slapped me in the face, buuuuut I feel like that would be a wasted free slap. I would probably hand one of those badboys out to Larry Doherty, proprietor of Larry’s Comics, and I would punch him in the dick for being a stain on the comic book industry. Close second would be Rich Johnston, but for all his sins, at least Rich will help take down scum-bag scam artists when push comes to shove.

James: First of all, it was ONCE. Second of all, I have apologized for that! I think I deserve to slap you again for that awful thing you already got slapped for on the podcast, but that’s neither here nor there.

I would punch Johnny Depp for playing Tonto and I want the Disney executives involved in making that bullshit racist movie to be standing right behind him so that the impact smacks their skulls together and they get concussions and have to stop being professionally awful for a while.

Ugh, Johnny Depp.

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Brittney LeBlanc (@britl) asks: If you could only have one Pokémon, which Pokémon would it be?

Brandon: Snorlax. But this is probably because I honestly can’t remember much more than that, and being a dude who seems to have the power of naps would be cool.

James: Snorlax is my official stance on the matter, and I will also point out that Brandon’s answer before was Squirtle, so clearly he’s a flip-flopper. However, since he is now agreeing with me, I think I might need to give him a pass.

However, if I couldn’t wake up Snorlax (I don’t see many Pokeflutes around), I would go with Bulbasaur, who has cool vines that can reach things that are high up (useful since I do not own a step stool), is basically a dinosaur who is a plant and also made of poison, and is super adorable. Squirtles are known to run in gangs, so that’s out, and I don’t need the hassle of having things lit on fire, so Charmander’s out, too. I would just interrupt any potential Bulbasaur evolution because not only are Ivysaurs and Venusaurs much bigger, but also are less cute. You should generally pick Pokemon based on cuteness, or on being Hawlucha, a hawk who is also a luchador.

Jay Runham (@jayrunham) asks: How many games do you think the Raptors will win this year?

Brandon: If they play 82 games, like I think is normal… because they never make the playoffs? 38. And if I’m right, you owe me a soda.

James: Thirty-nine, because as I routinely establish with all friends, we only play by Price is Right rules, aka closest-to-without-going-over.

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James Leask (@leask) asks: What is your favourite sexual position? Are there any kinks that you’re into?

Brandon: My sexual position is fairly positive. Folks are welcome to do as they please as long as all parties are consenting and legal. And I love The Kinks. (And if you think I’m gonna answer that question seriously, you have another thing coming to you.)

James: Brandon, your lack of openness is galling, and our readers and question-askers deserve better than such blatant disregard for them.

Meanwhile, I am not answering this because I asked it, so I already know my answer.

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Brendan Capel (@Psionystic) asks: Why is the DC move from New York to California helps out the company, especially in this age of easy information transfer?

Brandon: Short answer: it doesn’t help out DC at all - it helps out Warner Bros. They moved half of DC’s operations to Burbank a few years back, and now they’re just consolidating and saving money for the company as a whole. Moving from New York actually does the company a lot of damage. Not only will it force some of their editors (and other vital workers) to rethink their current situations, it leaves the company quite vulnerable for Marvel to just go through and cherry pick an amazing editorial team, pretty much. In addition, having DC and Marvel in the same city actually made it easier for comics, as an industry, to do business. Other more able folk will be able to talk more about that (I’ve merely heard it implied, and don’t really understand the exact implications), but at the end of the day it is what it is: a disaster for DC as a comic book publisher, and a bonus for Warners as a whole.

James: First off, the biggest casualty of this move is my ongoing hope for a resumption of the annualMarvel/DC softball games, unless they resume as a World Series-style best-of-seven series where they alternate playing in each bullpen’s home city, with home field advantage determined by sales metrics.

Second, as Brandon says, it’s a decision that’s more to do with Warner Brothers than with DC; half of their operations had already moved to the west coast, including some of their comics execs, which split things in a way that everyone knew was untenable. Keeping two offices - including an extremely expensive one in midtown Manhattan - open doesn’t make a lot of sense, and I can see Warner Brothers seeing it as a logical way to bring everything to where they make all their real DC money anyway.

I can’t speak to the effects on comics overall, though I gather the growing diaspora of comics professionals away from New York factors into the choice and their idea that it won’t end up being a bad decision. However, what is being lost is a big part of comics culture and history, which is inextricably tied to the city of New York and the fact that Metropolis was, in a big way, modeled on it. Additionally, it presents a lot of staffers with a really big decision to make, and one they may not all be willing or able to do. I can think of one household in particular where each adult works for a different one of the Big Two publishers, and that’s just an extreme example of the kinds of decisions that are going to have to be made.

I don’t envy anyone who has to decide whether or not to leave their friends, family and familiarity for a new place. I know we talk a lot of shit here at C!TB about the current state of things over at DC, but we’ve always maintained that it’s filled with good people trying to do a hard job well, and my sincere thoughts go out to everyone there who is mulling over a choice that could be very hard. Best wishes to everyone at DC.

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That’s it for the one hundred and eleventh installment of Um, Actually. Check in every Monday and Thursday for a new batch of questions. If you have anything you’d like answered, hit up our contact page! If you submit anything via Twitter – to @blogaboutcomics, @Leask or @soupytoasterson – remember to include the hashtag #UMACTUALLY so that we don’t lose it. Remeber: you can ask us anything. Seriously, anything.