Welcome, dear readers, to our regular letter column; a series of missives from and to the internet, delivered by a series of tubes. We welcome your comments and questions. About anything! We’ll answer it, and at least one of us will take you seriously. Maybe.

It can be about comics! Or, like anything else. Don’t get us wrong, we’re happy to answer questions about comics, but we don’t want to feel restricted, you know? We can be more than one thing! Comics aren’t all that we are! Did you know James has a healthy private life as a narcissist and Brandon exploits young runaways for cheap labour?

Appalling, but true!

When he writes these he can rebut these hurtful, truthful claims.

You’re welcome, internet.

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Cadence (@ckonopaki) asks: Do you think the emasculation (and public bullying) of Justin Bieber lead to his need to act out in hyper-masculine ways?

James: This is a tricky subject, because go to far in this direction and you can end up coming off as playing armchair psychologist a little too freely or as making excuses for genuinely awful and dangerous behaviour. Justin Bieber shouldn’t necessarily be summarized as a “troubled kid,” and he should face the consequences for his actions. At the same time, it’s hard to look at a kid who spent his adolescence and young adulthood being made fun of because he wasn’t very masculine and then be surprised when literally every single thing he does screams, “FUCK YOU, I’M A MAN!” I know that sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar, but there’s definitely an easy narrative to construct here.

Either way (and I do lean towards a “Yes”), I think that plays into a larger issue, which is the degree to which the public is comfortable creating a situation like this through a parasitic interest in a stranger’s life, and then casting them off when it becomes inconvenient or uncomfortable. It’s an attitude that treats human life as something expendable - if not as outright livestock - and the only word I can think of to describe it is cannibalism.

Brandon: Bieber used to be… and I suppose still is the God-King of a certain chunk of the internet, so I’m assuming he spent a bit of time dipping his toe into the opinions of said internet. My guess is that he didn’t have a filter and listened to the people who worshiped him in equal measure to those who vilified him when all he was doing was singing catchy pop songs. It’s like Mark Waid’s Irredeemable, where his Superman stand in essentially becomes evil because he spent too much time listening to the opinions of the internet, and wonders why he’s being the good guy when whatever he does is turned into shit by some punk who talks shit about him after he’s saved hundreds of people from dying. You get enough people telling you that your opinion and status is golden and enough people talking shit about you for no good reason… and you start listening… things are going to end badly. Like, pooping in a bucket and having to apologize to George Clooney badly. Which is where we’re at now.

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Jay (@jayrunham) asks: Besides Paul Rudd and Chris Pratt, who would you most want to sit down and have a chat with in Hollywood?

James: Alan Alda (though he lives in New York, I still consider him part of Hollywood). Like, he’s seriously one of my favourite people in the world and someone whom I admire greatly. This isn’t even a matter of contention. I’d have dinner with him BEFORE Rudd or Pratt.

Brandon: Hmmm. I’m not sure I’d go with Alda. I might go with Rian Johnson, because I like the cut of his jib. And his movies. Brick wrecked my shit when I first saw it (not in theatres - this was pre-Edmonton days, and Red Deer gets shit all for smaller movies) and his others have been phenominal, and I’d love to chat process.

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Jay continues: Who is your favourite Rugrat?

James: Probably Chuckie? I mean, look at Brandon. I certainly have a type when it comes to best friends.

Either that or Angelica, because obviously. Look who you’re asking.

Brandon: Chuckie or Susie. This… this is actually saying a lot about us, I think.

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Sarah (@sjleask) asks: What does it mean when xTina’s “What a Girl Wants” fills me with feelings?

James: Uh… that you’re human?

Or pregnant. Who knows, really. With you, it could go either way.

Brandon: That is some solid brothering, James.

I would have to say it feels you with feelings because “ladies”. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think Danica is about to hit me for that one.

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Cody (@codyfschmidt) asks: Explain what the deal is with this new Ghost Rider [comic series]. How Nic Cage will it be?

James: Well, it’s about a crazy dude driving a car dangerously, which is to say it’s basically the plot of Gone In 60 Seconds.

Brandon: Man, I am so excited for the new Ghost Rider comic, you have no idea. Tokyo Drift like a motherfucker, you guys. Which is to say, classic Ghost Rider fans are going to loathe this thing. But hey, it’s not being made for them, so whatever.

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Cody goes on: If you were sent to the Olympics (Winter or Summer, I don’t discriminate), what sport would it be for?

James: Which one involves the most complaining and being right? Probably something with judging. Maybe figure skating or moguls skiing.

Brandon: Figure skating. Because of those years I spent as a figure skater. You probably think I’m joking, but I’m not.

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Cody gets deeply erotic: What is your favourite word for butts? Mine is “rump.”

James: Here, I think I have to go with the good, classic “butt.” Why mess with a classic? It’s perfect just as it is, Cher-like ass tattoo and all.

Brandon: I like “swag bucket”.

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Cody gets nervous: If I go on vacation with James this summer, how fun will it be? On a scale of Kidnapped to Manslaughter?

James: Right in the middle, with a score of “Maybe We Kill A Drifter But He Doesn’t Have Anyone Who Misses Him Anyway.” And why wouldn’t it be? A road trip across several states, seeing baseball games in at least two of them, including at Wrigley Field, eating chardogs and Chicago-style pizza and whatever passes for barbecue in Memphis and Kansas City… doesn’t that sound amazing? Doesn’t that make you want to come along?

I mean, I’m probably gonna do that drive by myself anyway, but at least this way I’d be less likely to suffer a nervous breakdown halfway across the prairies like I did the last time I made that drive. So really, you should come if only to keep me alive.

And see baseball.

Brandon: And remember: if James has a cooler full of ice in the back, go with your gut, and guard your kidneys. Human is one of the few meats he has left to sample, and he’s been getting a bit itchy lately.

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Matt (@matt_bowes) asks us to explain to him why he should care about Turok [the new comic series] apart from staff working on it.

James: Well, first off, I think the book’s creative staff is reason enough to check it out, because that’s basically the reason I am. I like Greg Pak and Mirko Colak, and I think Nate Cosby is a great editor who can help bring a book together. Together, those are dudes who I think can be trusted to make a book that’s worth reading.

But beyond that, I just think it’s a great high concept. I mean, what does anyone really know or care about Turok besides the fact that he is a dude who hunts dinosaurs? The concept is really all you (or, at least I) need for a buy-in, and with no previous iteration really having primacy, there’s nothing the creative team needs to be slavishly devoted to in order to satisfy the average reader. They just need to have a dude hunting dinosaurs (I’m repeating this because a dude hunting dinosaurs is literally all the reason you should need, if I haven’t made that clear). And recently, Dynamite Entertainment has been pretty good at relaunching these classic titles with good creative teams in a way that doesn’t service nostalgia above all else. Between Green Hornet and Red Sonja, these are books that haven’t tried to only please old fans, but have instead tried to bring new ones in. That’s what Turok needs, I think.

And all that aside, there are so few aboriginal people in North American comics that I think it’s worth checking this out if only to encourage publishers to not neglect that demographic so often.

Brandon: Because of the twist at the end of the first issue, for one. I mean hey, it’s classic Turok, guy what hunts dinosaurs, but Pak and Cosby do a great job of setting the hooks in right at the end. I would tell you here and now, but I wouldn’t want a few folks to find out if they want to read it first, but if you trip around the internet a bit, you’ll stumble on the answer.

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Matt continues: Explain to me why Cadillacs and Dinosaurs/Xenozoic Tales didn’t catch on better.

James: It’s hard to say, really, because I watched the TV show incarnation when I was eight, so I wasn’t really aware of the business aspect of things. Maybe there were studio shenanigans that didn’t help it. Maybe it was marketed poorly. Maybe the market wasn’t ready for the strong ecological themes in a less overtly friendly way than Captain Planet. Maybe the market was saturated with similar fare, or maybe it was just bad timing because it ended before Jurassic Park was released. Maybe it wasn’t just very good. For whatever reason, even in this 80s/90s nostalgia-heavy period of culture we’re currently in, people don’t really talk about it a lot, so either it was bad luck that nobody saw it or it just didn’t capture many people’s imaginations.

But I feel you there. Nobody talks about Dino-Riders either.

Brandon: Man, I don’t know. Flesk Publications recently did a nice, complete collection of the comic series, which is stunning. What I think it needs is a good reboot, although it would be hard to determine just how they should go about doing that. Do they try the cartoon route again, or go more towards the comic? Do live action? Dunno, but if dinosaurs get huge, that’d be a good property to mine.

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Matt gets aggressive: Best cow in comics? Difficulty: no Bat-Cow.

James: First, that is just unfair, because that’s like asking who the best basketball player is but you can’t mention Michael Jordan, or who the best staff member of this site is but you have to protect Brandon’s fragile ego. Whatever answer I come up with will have the caveat that it wasn’t really the best.

That said, I grew up as a massive Far Side fan, and some of my favourite of Gary Larson’s art was always the way he’d draw cows. I particularly liked comics where cows did anachronistic, shocking things, like wear leather or barbecue.

Brandon: Easy. Man-Eating Cow from The Tick.

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That’s it for the one hundred and twenty-thirtieth instalment of Um, Actually. Check in every Monday and Thursday for a brand new column. If you have anything you’d like answered, hit up our contact page! If you submit anything via Twitter – to @blogaboutcomics, @Leask, or @soupytoasterson – remember to include the hashtag #UMACTUALLY so that we don’t lose it. Remember: you can ask us anything. Seriously, anything.