by James “Dong Police” Leask and Brandon “Dong Police Brutality Victim” Schatz

It’s December, and you know what that means: festive yiffing! Also, everybody and their grandmother has a Best Of 2011 list, and we’re no exception, dearie. Could you get your ol’ Internet Gamgam a tea with honey? Lawrence Welk is on. Here’s the thing, though: every other list is plagued by dreaded subjectivity. What was the best comic of of the year? The best TV show? Those are all choices that can be argued with. Want the objective, weirdly specific truth? Never fear! Gamgam is here with the Inarguable Best of 2011.

Now where’s my goddamn tea?

Best Improper Fraction:

Matt

This is Fraction’s fourth nomination and second win.

Matt Fraction, photobombing the nation to keep it safe from terror. Because he’s the bastard the Internet deserves, but not the one it needs right now. Actually, scratch that. We need him.

Best Drug-Induced Time Travelling, Joy Division-Invoking Mini-Series

SACRIFICE

Mark our words: Sam Humphries is the new Kieron Gillen.

We hope you get along in the Soundproof John Wilkes Booth, boys!

 

Best Drug Parable Featuring Emma Rios:

SPIDER ISLAND: CLOAK & DAGGER

It was either this or Best Creepy Norman Osborn Featuring Emma Rios.

Best Southern Crime Sextacular

LOOSE ENDS

Don’t worry, nothing goes wrong at all.

No, wait. The opposite of that. Don’t miss it.

Best OMG DID THAT JUST HAPPEN ON iCARLY Moment

SAM AND FREDDIE KISSING AAAAAA!!!!!1!!

SHUT UP, IT WAS MAGICAL.

Best “100% True” Autobiography of an American Literary Legend Who Was Totally Into Sex Toys

MARK TWAIN’S AUTOBIOGRAPHY, 1910-2010

(MICHAEL KUPPERMAN)

What, somebody said this isn’t actually true? I’LL CUT THEM.

Best Use of James Spader as a Comparison

DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE DEFENDERS

If you were a woman, would you join a team with this dude in it? If you didn’t have a sword?

We thought so. Well played, Fraction.

Best Comic Featuring Jamie McKelvie, Inspired by an Album with Jamie McKelvie Cover Art

BRILLIANT! TRAGIC!: THE COMIC BOOK

Also, the album is really good! Good job, Art Brut! You win a “biscuit” or whatever the British call sexy times.

Best Movie Harnessing the Awesome Power of the Oakland Athletics

MONEYBALL

It’s also about being giant nerds! Needless to say, both James and Brandon were thrilled, and not just because James grew up watching the A’s farm team before they got famous and steroid-y.

Best Madman With a Box

THE DOCTOR

This was the year James discovered Doctor Who, which means it was also the year that Brandon discovered Doctor Who. It’s spreading, like a sexy disease.

Seriously, there were parties.

Best Story Wherein Supergirl Partakes in Truffle Shuffle-esque Shenanigans

Supergirl #65-67: This Is Not My Life

Kelly Sue DeConnick and ChrisCross gave us a wonderful story that involved all the best of those old 80s adventure movies. Also, make outs and clockwork monkeys?

Best Use of Archie Characters in a Crime Comic where “Archie” Straight Up Plots Murder and Not in the Funny Way:

CRIMINAL: LAST OF THE INNOCENT

Listen, it takes guts to take iconic character types and turn them into gamblers, drug addicts, adulterers and murderers in a deeply personal story about a father and a son and did I mention the part where everybody is awful or fucked up?

Well, except “Betty”. I love Betty.

Best Revamp of Millie the Model as a Teen Tennis Romance Comic:

15 LOVE

Which is a reward we will be handing out again next year, right Marvel? RIGHT??!?

Okay, probably not, but damn this was a good read. You should’ve bought it. You jerks.

Best Return of Kate Kane:

BATWOMAN

Is there any series more lushly gorgeous than Batwoman? Are there any page layouts more inventive? It’d be hard to find any, and so for giving us a spooky addition to the Bat-Family’s various series, this long-awaited book needs to be recognized.

Seriously, buy it all now.

Best Depiction of Dead People in a Dreamscape:

MARCOS MARTIN & AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #655

If this page doesn’t make you wanna just give Marcos Martin all the money and/or have his way with you, then I’m not sure we will ever completely understand each other. Because damn girl!

Best TV Show Where Bender Bending Rodriguez is the Voice of a Magic Dog:

ADVENTURE TIME

The only things that keep me from grumbling about how kids these days have better cartoons than I did when I was a kid are:

a) Batman: The Animated Series

2) I’m old enough to appreciate how amazing Adventure Time‘s weirdness and incredibly dark streak actually are.

Best Comic Collection That is Just So Pretty That When James Scuffed the Dust Jacket he Almost Bought Another Copy:

STUMPTOWN

Seriously, this collection, like the material itself, is just about the best thing.

Best Movie Where Ryan Gosling Drives:

DRIVE

Or wait, was it Crazy, Stupid, Love where he drove? Fuck it, I’m switching this:

Beast Best Sexy Dog Sex and Mineral Banging Comic:

OUR LOVE IS REAL

A whip-smart modern satire about the differences between love and sex and the bullshit we ascribe to both.

I’m pretty sure this is what Kermit was talking about when he sang about a Rainbow Connection.

That’s a sex move, right?

C!TB’s Inarguable Lifetime Achievement Award for Achievement

It’s been a great year for movies, TV, comics and so many other wonderful things. When it came down to it, though, only one detective-agency-slash-comic-creatin’-husband-and-wife really defined our year and what we loved about it:

FRACTION-DECONNICK INVESTIGATIONS

Between books like Casanova and Osborn, Fraction DeConnick Investigations made us the happiest this year. We’re excited to see what each half makes next, but in the meantime we want to give our most prestigious made up award that we previously reserved for James Van Der Beek to show our thanks.