Sunday was pretty gosh darn productive. After finally getting around to reading those Love and Rockets volumes I’ve had piling up since 2007, (Heartbreak Soup, you are my bitch!) I hightailed it over to James’ where we rocked out Wednesday’s podcast while waiting for the pulled pork James was cooking to perfection. The results we delicious, but what were we to have for dessert? The answer, as you may have guessed, was booze and the Golden Globes - and as always when we get sauced while watching questionable pop culture things, we captured the magic for you to read.

Enjoy.

James: BRANDONNNN! Are you ready… for some television and movie awards broadcast on… NBC?!

Brandon: Wait, there’s still an NBC? Is Friends still on? How about Frasier?

James: They’re going like gangbusters, or at least this drunken stupor tells me! But if we’re drunk on a Sunday, this must mean it’s time for… the Golden Globes!

Brandon: Yes!!! Also, I wanna see an episode of Frasier with Joey. And also, Gunther. For some reason.

James: He was the show’s sleeper hit. By which I mean he hit people who were sleeping after he had his way with them.

Shit, this just got dark.

Brandon: Welcome to Comics! The Blog, y’all!

James: And welcome to Drunk Bros Recap the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards! Also known as the awards show where the stars are as drunk as we are at home.

Brandon: Love seeing everyone straight drnking at tables.

James: And Ricky Gervais drinking at the podium. Or is it a lecturn? So far, Ricky is reminding everyone that we are all decaying in our unstoppable march towards the grave.

Brandon: I love what Ricky’s slinging right now. Seriously, they were right to hire this dude just ALL THE TIME. He’s calling them all out for being spineless RIGHT NOW.

James: Cue uncomfortable laughter.

Brandon: I love seeing the crowd, and there’s just Amy Pohler and Tina Fey straight hanging with William H. Muffman

James: Felicity H. Muffman? Way to ruin the Colbert Report reference, now we’ll never get invited on.

Brandon: SHIT

James: Meanwhile, Jodie Foster is being a remarkably good sport about Ricky making a joke about her vagina.

Brandon: Oh vaginas.

James: They’re… pretty okay. Man, these celebrities are having none of it.

Brandon: Helen Miran is straight laughing at a joke about her pooping in a sink?

James: She’s people, too!

JESUS CHRIST COVER YOUR EYES STEVE BUSCEMI NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT

Holy shit, Ricky Gervais just did a callback to his jokes ripping into The Tourist from last year, and they’re killer! Even Johnny Depp laughed!

Brandon: It was amazing. Johnny loves it.

James: Apparently, I quite enjoy him when Tim Burton isn’t involved.

Brandon: They’re showing things from Hugo - and also, James is yelling about how they are RUINING EVERYTHING. Luckily for me, I will remember NONE OF THIS

James: WELL THEY ARE.

And now on to the night’s first award, Best Supporting Actor in a Film! You might know it as Weren’t You Good Enough For Top Billing?

Oh my god Moneyball is nominated please give it all the awards!

FUCK YOU CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER YOU AREN’T PEOPLE

Brandon: With doorknobs or somesuch. A bag of doornknobs, mayhaps?

James: No.

Plummer is reciting super old movie titles because he is ancient and can’t remember anything else. This is what passes for a drunken acceptance speech.

Brandon: Whoa that dude gots shakey hand sydrome like so many Michael J. Foxes.

James: He signed my DVDs and it was terrible.

Whatever, I’m fast forwarding this.

And now onto Actress - TV Series - Comedy or Musical!

Brandon: Oh damn, Tina Fey is photobombing Amy Poehler like a motherfucker.

James: That’s the closest she’ll get to an award, because I, someone who is not an Amy Poehler fan, can agree that she is CRUSHING IT as Leslie Knope this year.

Seriously, has anyone heard of the show Laura Dern just won for?

Brandon: I haven’t heard of either of these things.

James: Is this a real thing that exists?

Brandon: No. No it does not. I have the overwhelming sensation to burn something?

James: Every second she is talking is a second she isn’t making Jurassic Park 4.

Brandon: Wait, why is that one old lady crying?

James: What did Laura even win for? I honestly don’t know.

Brandon: Why is she thanking Luke Wilson? Isn’t he doing blow now, with the money he’s getting for those phone commercials?

James: I think he’s just pretending to be his brother. You know, Patrick.

Brandon: Ohhhhh, Patty Wilson. I love that guy.

James: Rob Lowe is adorable and announcing an award, I think it is Best Miniseries or TV Movie, whatever, nobody gives a shit. AKA I don’t get HBO. But Downton Abbey is going to win because otherwise I bought it for nothing.

Brandon: You’d have to burn things down, almost likely.

James: Or that thing James Woods is in. He’s America’s favourite second sex offender! Well, allegedly. I’ve got my eyes on you, Spader.

I guessed correctly! I am now 1 for 3. This will be my highest ratio all night.

Brandon: Oh dang, this dude is talking British!

James: I am guessing the Best Actress in this field was also Ms. Downton Abbey.

Or Diane “Must Love Dogs” Lane.

Or Diane “Streets of Fire” Lane.

Jesus Christ, I can’t even guess correctly when I am betting on Downton Abbey! Kate Winslet, why are you breaking my heart?

Brandon: Oh balls, Kate Winslet won for something on TV? What kind of bullshit, topsy turvy universe IS this?

James: Also, I looked up “Teamwork” and Mildred Pierce is NOT the dictionary definition of it. What a liar.

And why is English Kevin Bacon making bedroom eyes at her? Apparently he distracted her, because she is the first person to be played off tonight because thanking the Mildred Pierce truck drivers WAS THAT IMPORTANT.

Brandon: She’s the TV mini-series/one shot whoosit. Actress. You don’t get to talk.

James: The commercials feature a shot of Ben Kingley, and I think I speak for us all when I say that we would all fuck him.

Brandon: With penises.

James: That’s just science.

Hooray, the writing awards! Now people at home will think Hollywood cares about writers.

Brandon: Ricky Gervais is calling Kate Winslet out for fucking with the amount of time for his jokes.

James: Penelope Cruz is just having NONE OF being reminded of the horrible, demeaning things she did to make it in Hollywood.

Best Actor, TV Series - Drama! Aka, Bryan Cranston does a dance.

Brandon: God, I hope so.

James: I WILL MURDER YOU KELSEY GRAMMAR

Brandon: NO! NO! WHERE DID WE PUT THE MURDER ROOM

James: I WILL END YOU AND YOUR LITTLE BROTHER TOO oh who am I kidding he is charming as the dickens.

Brandon: David Hype Pierce, get ready for a shocking and terribly uncalled for death.

James: There’s a lot of buzz around it.

BEST TV SERIES: DRAMA! The final award of the Emmys, presented less than 40 minutes into the Golden Globes! Fuck you, they’re drunk and are NBC, that’s why.

Homeland, which I’ve heard is an amazing show, wins, thus dropping me to 1 in 5 so far tonight.

(I wanted Game of Thrones to win, but this was my second guess.)

Brandon: We need to see that. Or more accurately, it needs to air on Canadian TV?

James: I think it does, but I’m too lazy to find out. SUCK IT, CLAIRE DANES. Nothing can defeat my profound, disappointed apathy.

Brandon: Wait, just found out, Homeland airs on Super Channel in Canada, which is BULLSHIT. NO ONE has Super Channel

James: I’m too distracted by the bumper shots of celebrities drinking and kissing. It’s like my apartment right now up in it.

Brandon: I REGRET NOTHING

So hey, this next award is for Next Original Score, which is a thing most people wouldn’t care about except DANG there’s some good ones.

James: I haven’t seen the movie, but The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo’s soundtrack is fantastic. I want it to win, so it will.

GODDAMMIT. ONE FOR SIX GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD

Brandon: Another thing I’ve never heard of! Some French looking dude for The Arteest.

James: Phonetics, bitch!

Brandon: Freeeechity french french.

James: The audience shots are nothing of people being bored waiting for this guy to finish a fucking sentence. SPEAK ENGLISH.

Brandon: C’mon dude. NO ONE can understand you.

James: Brandon and James, we’re culturally sensitive!

Brandon: So the next things is “best original song” and holy damn, what IS this shit.

James: Guys, I want it on the record that Brandon just said, “C’mon, blacks!” because The Help was nominated. Meanwhile, Madonna won with a song nobody heard for a movie nobody saw.

Brandon: WOO BLACKS!

James: Fuck it, I’m getting more alcohol.

Brandon: I want it on the record that James and I both left the room than listen to Madonna speak for five seconds.

James: It’s true… she peaked with “Ray of Light.”

Brandon: How about the kids book she wrote about Kabahla?

James: That’s it, where’s my tire iron?

At this point, I am at least as drunk as George Clooney, which is half a Laura Linney.

Brandon: I bet Laura Linney is a fantastic drunk/lay.

James: That’s just a science fact, I genuinely adore her and find her to be incredibly sexy.

I just sang my love for her, everybody.

Goddammit, Debra Messing is still a thing? I would have sworn Eric McCormack buried her.

Brandon: So hey this award is for best actor in like the mini-series.

James: And Black Heimdall won! This is the power of faith.

Meanwhile, I am one for seven. This is the last time I put my faith in Bill Nighy oh who am I kidding.

Brandon: We should keep that dude. In several pieces.

James: Goddammit, don’t make us sound racist. Unless you were talking about Bill Nighy.

Brandon: I was!

James: Well then I’m okay with it because of Love, Actually. Meanwhile, Idris Elba thanked “my anonymous family.”

Brandon: HEY LOVE ACTUALLY WAS AWESOME GOD DAMMIT

James: That’s what I meant! But SHUT UP BRAD “MONEYBALL” PITT IS TALKING

The new Underworld movie just got mentioned, which means someone somewhere lost a bet.

Brandon: So hey, they are announcing best actresses in the best comedies and musicals, but let’s face it… comedies.

James: And yet Michelle Williams won for what I thought was a drama! Hooray Dawson’s Creek alumni!

Brandon: To be fair, I don’t think either of us have seen that movie? But also, it sure don’t look funny and junk.

James: Meanwhile, the real Marilyn Monroe is probably high on barbiturates in her grave.

Brandon: Wait, she thanked a bunch of people, including “Busy” who we’re going to assume is Busy Phillips, because let’s say they are still BFFs. SEXY BFFS.

James: Dare to dream. (One for eight, by the way.)

Brandon: I don’t think I’ve seena single thing that’s won something.

James: That is, in fact, a fact. Best Supporting Actor in a TV series, miniseries or TV movie… goes to Peter “Regular Size Somewhere” Dinklage!

Brandon: YYEEEAHHHHHHH!!!!!

James: And with that HORRIBLY INSENSITIVE JOKE, I am now 2 for 8!

Even his mum didn’t think he was going to win! Fuck you, Mildred Pierce!

Brandon: Seriously, glasses are sexy.

James: George Clooney has a sexy cane! What a sexy motherfucker. He’s even talking about Moneyball! I think I need an erotic minute.

Brandon: Don’t worry, I’ll cover my eyes. For a while.

James: Please don’t.

Brandon: Dang, dinner and a show!

James: Now THAT’S a pulled pork. Which is a perfect segue for Best Animated Feature Film, aka Give to Someone Other Than Pixar, We Dare You.

Brandon: Oh dang.

James: Tintin won, which means I’m now 2 for 9, the Killing Ratio.

Brandon: I like how Stephen Spielberg’s walk up had his face go all “okay, whatevs.”

James: You can almost see the laser targeting from the rifle of the assassin John Lasseter hired.

Brandon: That dude knows how to make a fucken speech. Lots of people to thank, and just got in and out, like a good sexy wangalang.

James: Ah, how I’ve missed the Queen’s English.

Brandon: Ohtay, the next category iiiisss… best screenplay.

James: Brandon, I will murder you in Moneyball doesn’t win.

Brandon: OH FUCK. Whelp, looks like I’m doing the rest of this as a ghost.

James: Two for ten is a very unfortunate number for you, Brandon.

OH MY GOD THE FELICITY H. MUFFMAN COLLECTIVE IS SINGING THE NOMINEES FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES, MINISERIES OR MADE FOR TV MOVIE IN HARMONY

Brandon: For the record woody allan won that last one. For something.

James: Shut up, ghost.

Brandon: WOODY ALLAN MURDERED ME.

James: Downton Abbey is winning this or I’m murdering you again.

WHOOPS MY KNIFE SLIPPED (TWO FOR ELEVEN)

Brandon: Shit, looks like I’m double murdered. The American Horror Story lady won. Also, I still haven’t seen any of these things.

James: You’ve seen Modern Family, you fucking liar.

Brandon: Ah balls. I meant of things that won things.

Hey look, it’s fat Elton John! Also known as Elton John!

James: Wait, where’s Bernie Taupin? Elton, are you… picking your teeth?

Brandon: Whoa what the smush boobs.

James: Also, Madonna asked Ricky Gervais to fuck her. That’s not even a joke. That legitimately happened.

Brandon: Oh dang, Madonna’s a hipster. She’s presenting best foreign film, and just told everyone that they are the best and everything else is not cool.

James: I’m not counting this against my score, foreigners don’t count.

Brandon: I think you mean CAN’T count.

James: Shut up, ghost.

Now it’s Best Actress - TV Series - Drama, after I totally didn’t fast forward through that Iranian amigo’s acceptance speech.

And Claire Danes is going to win, that’s just a fact.

Brandon: YOU DID IT! Hey wait, also, I haven’t seen this either. Man, I don’t know shit about ANYTHING.

James: Man, three for twelve is the greatest ratio. Also, Claire is super charming and gracious, she is thanking her parents because she forgot to like a DECADE AGO.

Brandon: And that’s delightful. I need to watch the rest of that show that I bought that set of.

James: I literally don’t know what that means.

Brandon: Oh, she was on that show that one time. Freaks and Geeks.

James Leask: Please. I think you mean Undeclared.

Brandon: DAMMIT

James: It’s a little known fact, but she replaced Jay Baruchel for the second half of that series.

Meanwhile, Emily Blunt is talking about women pooping their pants. You’re welcome, perverts.

Brandon: I think we feed the internet.

James: Meanwhile, Tina Fey just reminded everybody she’s not actually acting on 30 Rock.

Meanwhile, the Golden Globe for Best Comedy TV Actor or something went to Matt Leblanc, who totally didn’t expect it because come on, let’s be realistic here. (Three for thirteen.)

Brandon: WAIT, MATT LEBLANC WAS NOMINATED FOR JOEY WHAT THE HELL.

James: Where’s Matthew Perry?

Brandon: Matt Le Blanc just wished he was the fictionalized version of himself.

I have heard of actually NONE of these people for best supporting actress.

James: The Help won, so I am 4 for 14 because the Hollywood Foreign Press loves itself some racially problematic schmaltz.

Brandon: True story! And Morgan Freeman just won the balck persons award! NO, YOU ARE RACIST.

Also, that penguins movie was a delight.

James: It’s the Cecil B Demille award or something, you racist.

Angeline Jolie’s Terrifying Lips are presenting the award for Best Director - Motion Picture!

Martin Scorsese won! I am 5 for 15! I’m clawing my way back up from the gutters but I can’t look at the screen because his eyebrows are terrifying.

Brandon: Everyone is standing for Martin. I’m presuming because they are afraid of knocking him over and killing him as he toddles to the stage.

James: SPEAK ENGLISH, ANTONIO BANDERAS

Brandon: This award is for best TV comedy musical or musical.

James: And it will go to Modern Family, let’s be honest.

SIX FOR SIXTEEN, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Brandon: It really should be called the Modern Family Memorial Award

James: Do… you know something we don’t?

Brandon: Don’t check my floorboards?

James: We are absolutely powering through these awards now that I am too drunk to care about speeches.

The next movie is about a horse!

Brandon: Wait, another movie about Julia Roberts?

James: Or Sarah Jessica Parker and Jerry Seinfeld.

James: http://sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com

Brandon: So this one is for best award for Best Movie Actor or whoosits.

James: Comedy or Musical! it went to a foreign person I wasn’t paying attention to, thus making me TECHNICALLY CORRECT.

Brandon: Man them foreign people do love the face kisses.

James: For those drinking at home on a Monday morning, that makes me 7 for 17.

I’m sure that his speech that I fast forwarded through was both powerful and heavily accented.

Brandon: Meanwhile, Ricky Gervais is not at ALL resentful of Colin Firth. When he implied that he was racist, they showed the table for THE HELP.

James: Best Actress for a Drama movie, motherfucker! AKA Meryl Streep owns your asses.

That’s the easiest prediction I have ever made.

Brandon: I hope TIlda Swinton wins for her portrayal of Conan O’Brian in Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop.

James: (Eight for Eighteen)

Jesus goddamn Christ, Meryl is wonderful. She is just legitimately the best person, unlike Margaret Thatcher.

WHOOPS PERSONAL POLITICS

Brandon: There’s totally some ducher who will not give Meryl Streep her reading glasses.

James: Why won’t people murder him like it’s Lord of the Flies?

Sidestepping that awkwardness, Meryl made a point of thanking God, The Punisher, Harvey Weinstein. That’s not a comma, that’s all one person.

Brandon: Wait, Jane Fonda? I thought she was dead.

James: GODDAMMIT, BRANDON. Let’s just enjoy The Artist winning Best Comedy or something.

Brandon: Sorry. I mean, I thought I had murdered her already.

James: No, that was Elizabeth Taylor

Brandon: Oh right. Bitch deserved it.

James: GODDAMMIT.

Just mention I am now NINE FOR NINETEEN or something and HOLY SHIT THERE IS AN ADORABLE PUPPY ON STAGE THIS IS NOT A DRILL A MOTHERFUCKING PUPPY IS ACCEPTING A GOLDEN GLOBE THIS IS WHY THE OSCARS CAN LICK MY BALLSACK.

Brandon: Dude, I don’t think you can show things like that on Seasame Street.

James: I will listen to you when you can spell correctly.

Brandon: Hey, I am doing AWESOME for also being a ghost.

James: That is… true.

“Never put family first.” -Ricky Gervais, reminding Natalie Portman what’s important.

Brandon: Now they are going over best actor for the movies.

James: Well, dramas. Which is to say Moneyball OH WAIT GODDAMMIT WHY DIDN’T I GUESS GEORGE CLOONEY FUCK YOU NINE FOR TWENTY

Brandon: But can you stay mad at those fuckable lips?

James: …No.

I am not a fan of the Hollywood Foreign Press’ refusal to give a movie about my favourite baseball team all the awards. Goddammit, Clooney is charming like nobody else.

Brandon: So hey, they’re doing the nominies for best motion picture, Drama.

James: I am guessing Hugo as opposed to Moneyball because I like being right

OH SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU HARRISON FORD

Brandon: Fact: still, of all thses things that won, I have only watched Modern Family. Balls.

James: You also saw Moneyball, but it didn’t win anything and fuck you YOU’RE bitter

And with that, we end the night both on time and with my own pitiful nine for twenty-one guessing rate. Also, with Ricky Gervais being remarkably classy.

Brandon: Yeah, he did decent. Also, those fuckers should be able to laugh a bit more.

James: It’s not like they’re rich and powerful or anything.

Brandon: OH DANG, HOW ABOUT YOU SOB INTO SOME HUNDIES.

James: If you’re poor. If not, just cry into the cast of the Help because you’re also racially insensitive.

(We are watching Chopped now, which is why we’re not more interesting.)

Brandon: And with that, we call it a day. Hope you enjoyed this. And also, if you didn’t? Fuck you!

James: I’m James Leask, and I approve that inflammatory message.