I have to pee. This will not end well.

OOHH HHEEEEEEY! You guys, it’s time! IT’S TIME! For DRUNK! COMIC! REEEEECCAAAAAAAPSSSS!

So it’s been what. Three weeks since the last one of these? And in that time I was sick and then, I think I did something last week? I can’t remember. But there was maybe something that happened and it sucked. But look! We have a brand new recap here today, and it’s a doozy! So hang the fuck on, because THINGS are about to get REAL

GODZILLA VS. BARKLEY ONE SHOT - Balls

Yes, this was definitely a thing that happened. The cover alone is hilarious, and has a tag that reads “Read in awe as GODZILLA battles CHARLES BARKLEY in a cataclysmic game of hoops the likes of which has never before been witnessed by MAN!” Which, I will presume means, a game of that magnitude has been witnessed by Godzillas. Like, they do this shit all the time, and they call it “regular basketball” or some shit. Any way.

The book begins! With fisher people? People in a boat. And they are talking in Japan and one of them is worried about Godzilla rising, because they are in a storm, and the other says “don’t even say that, Godzilla doesn’t exist” and the Godzilla rises and wrecks the shit out of their boat like so. Many. Mothra. Vaginas.

Flash to, uh… a beach! Elsewhere! Where a young black kid and his gramps are walking, and the kid is super excited about meeting someone. The kid says “I wish I were taller” to which my brain says “Well, I wish I was a baller” and then he asks his gramps what he can see. Gramps says he sees people and the kid runs ahead to see what’s up, and runs into a shoot where Charles Barkley is… shooting… a commercial? GOD DAMMIT WORDS IS HARD.

Anyway, the kid ends up getting turned away by Charles’ bodyguard dude, who tells him to step off, and he walks away all dijected and shit, and his grandpa tries to make him feel better by giving the boy a magic coin (or a coin he says brings him luck). Then they stumble across a passed out dude, who is being held by two honkies who clearly llive on the beach. Anyway, this passed out guy warns everyone that Godzilla is coming, and people are like “BULLSHIT” and the kid goes, FUCK YOU, he’s the “King of the Monsters” and then Gozilla pops out of the water with a big “SKREONK” and starts stomping shit up.

The kid decides that he needs to use the magic coin that his gramps gave him to stop Godzilla. His grandpa tells him that he shouldn’t take on Godzilla himself, and the kid goes, “Not ME, gramps, BARKLEY! Charles Barkley is the earth’s greatest warrior! Only he can stop Godzilla!” Anyway, Godzilla blows up some planes and the kid nabs a skateboard, does a sweet trick, and nabs Barkley’s attention. Oh, by the way, he needs to get Barkley’s attention this way, because his enterage is being dicks and keeping hte kid from him. Anyway, the kid tells Barkley that he has to stop Godzilla and take the silver dollar he has and Barkley says “I don’t have to stop that ugly monster and I don’t want your dollar. You want to give me a dollar, buy a ticket to the game.”

But then the kid tells him that he has to stop Godzilla, that he’s the only one who can, because he’s earth’s greatest warrior, and Charles then says “Hmm… you may have a point there.” Then he turns around IMMEDIATELY and tells his people that they are fired. The guy with the pony tail asks what will happen if he says something that offends someone in Vermont, and Charles says to just have them write him, and to give him some space.

Anyway, two seconds later, Charles has stolen this kid from hisgramps, and they are driving. Barkley wants to know how he’s supposed to stop Godzilla, and the kid tells him they should use the magic dollar. Charles looks at it, identifies it as a 1889 Morgan Silver Dollar in fine condition and then the kid tells him to maybe put it in his mouth. Charles tells the kid that you should NEVER put strange money in your mouth, ebcause you don’t know where it’s been, and then the kid sees a hoop, and demands that Barkley pull the car over to show him some moves.

So they’re about to play hoops, and flip to see who goes, when Barkley nabs the coin and ends up growing to Godzilla height. He sees that now he has a responsibility to save the city, and so he goes off to do that. On his way there, a news helicoptor asks him what he’s doing, and Barkley says “I’m gonna try to lead the monster out of the city. I’m going to challenge him to some one-on-one. It’s a little known fact that Godzilla is a sucker for B-Ball!”

So they go to this air base and Charles wrecks a satilite dish and turns it into a giant hops things, and they play hoops until Godzilla gets mad that he’s losing and melts the ball. Charles scolds him, but tells him that he has moves, ad that he should try out of the Bulls of another “second rate team” and then says “You don’t need to be toastin’ the opposition! Where’s your sense of honor?” I am assuming that he is appealing to his sense of honor, because he believes Godzilla to be Japanese. Which is RACIST.

Anyway, they walk off together, with Barkley’s arm around Godzilla, and Charles promises that they will have a chat and find him some proper b-ball shoes. After getting Godzilla the 13,000 EEE size shoes, he tells him to work on 1,000,000 lay ups, which solves the whole attacking problem, because now Godzilla is busy. Then Charles flies down back to see the boy and give him a dollar. He does that, and the story ends.

HEY! That was AWESOME!

Anyway, this feature should be bacK! Again! Next week for more! Until then!!!

Komitchiwham bitches!

[Ed note: Because I am lazy, I stole these pictures with so much love from Chris Sims' excellent ComicsAlliance article, "The Greatest Dinosaurs in Comic Books". Read it and imagine what kind of articles you could read here if we were talented like Chris. - DJ Jazzy James]

[Ed note #2: Apparently this was a tie-in to a Nike TV commercial! The video is here. - Jittery James]