[SOBER NOTE: Hey, so as it turns out, I already did a recap for this issue. I found out about it when I did a google search for the issue's image, and WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT, there was one from an article I wrote! Anyway, I have no memory of this happening (good job, #drunkytoasterson) soooooo here we go again, with an eye towards finally concluding the Chuck Austen run of Uncanny X-Men.]

Hello my darlings and WELCOME to another edition of Drunk! Comic! Reeecaaaaaaaps!

It’s been a lnog time since we’ve had the pleasure to chat like this, drunkard to… to whatever it is you feel like you are right now. Fellow drunkard? Sexual sharknado? Turd mcguffin? Whatever it is that swings your pleasure. Anyway, we’re returning to a regular drinking schedule here, with a Drunk Comic Recap happening ev’a’ree two weeks, alternating with episodes of DOCTOR WHOOCH which you should be listening to, you jerks.

Now, as always, the rules: a drunk comic recap is fully produced when I am drunk. To keep things as on-the-level as can be, I can’t use spell check, nor is any editing done after I sober up - beyond adding the proper links and tags and images so this can be any kind of readable whenever it goes up. So hey, what do you say we get right back into the THRILLING CONCLUSION of Chuck Austen’s Uncanny X-Men, with a story of apalachian romeo and juliet?

Uncanny X-Men #437 // Racism in the south?

So let’s get right into the nutmeats, shall we? The story picks up in Cumberland, Kentucky where the folks is talking like they’s from the stereotypical south, and Jeb Guthrie (related, I assume to Sam Guthrie, of the X-Mens) is talking some straight up smack talk about the Cabots with his black friend Ray. Now, because this is the south, and because the Cabots are going to be our villains, they aren’t taking too kindly to ol’ Ray. Their leader - a kid named Abraham, because… bible? Probably? Anyway, Abraham Cabot is being a dick to a certain young mister Jeb (seriously? Jeb?) and starts calling his family less than dirt because they hang out with black folks and are sometimes mutants, and Jeb is all “sometimes mutants? I’m a mutant, motherfucker” and he blasts him with blue fire vision or something. Anyway, Abraham is covered in blue fire, and the cops come yelling (actually) “WHAT IN TARNATION” and things keep going crazy until someone hits Jeb in the head with a crowbar because “the Gurthies and the coloreds” are causing problems. This all escalates until Jeb blows a car to pieces with his powers, and the south flips the fuck out because PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT ha ha the south is awful, apparently, stereotypically. Jeb gets shot in the face by the police. Then, of course, we go to Westchester, where the X-Men live. Cliffhangerrrr!!!

So. Paige Guthrie (of the X-Men) and Angel (he of sometimes hooking up with Paige aaaand also the X-Men) are talking and Angel is being kind of a dick to her. She asks if their relationship is over, and if she should look elsewhere, and he’s all yeah babycakes, do that, but in a more serious manner. Paige runs off crying and Jubilee stops her and hands her a phone, and lets her know that her brother has been shot. Happy comics!

We move back to Cumberland where there’s a feud brewing between clans. THe Guthries are giving Sam shit for being short tempered, and his parents tell them that even though it was a Cabot that was mouthing off, he should have kept his cool. Everyone gets proper upset (and we find out that the Guthrie’s dad is dead) and then things happen. Ray acidently let’s it slip that this attack was intention and then the Guthrie’s are apparently banned from town, as is the law in the sticks. Paige (who went down with Angel. Who is there for reasons?) asks her mom where Josh is, and why he wasn’t protecting the family, and her mom says it’s because he’s singing at The View, which I hope means the actual The View with Barbara Walters. Hey, remember that time she said on the show that she uses a vibrator? That’s a thing that happened. And more power to her, you know?

Anyway, as I read on, I find out this isn’t true. The View is just a place where the people can sing, and it’s a bar or restaurant of some sort, and Josh is into a girl probably. Paige makes a snide comment in front of Angel that at least SOMEONE in the family has a love life that’s working (but hey, don’t jump the gun there sister, this sure is a Chuck Austen comic, and these things tend to end badly). Whelp, we find out in short measure that… not only is this love life probably not working, but that a Cabot (gasp!) is probably into Josh! Oh, and that he has swag-ass wings. Then the comic ends. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEEEEXXXXT?

And that’s it for this week, my lovelies. Join me again in TWO SHORT weeks for another installment. Until then…

KOMITCHIWHAM BITCHES!