Welcome, dear readers, to our regular letter column; a series of missives from and to the internet, delivered by a series of tubes. We welcome your comments and questions. About anything! We’ll answer it, and at least one of us will take you seriously. Maybe.

And hey, it can be about comics! Listen, I know we give you some hard times in these preambles, where we talk about how you can ask us about comics but you don’t have to because you can also ask us about other things because Comics isn’t the boss of us, but hey, you know what? I guess it wouldn’t hurt us to answer some questions about comics. You know, to keep us limber for when you ask the real questions about new currencies and television and wrestling.

This one… might have some wrestling opinions in it, dudes.

You’re welcome, internet.

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Scott (@scottowilliams) asks: What will Grant Morrison be remembered for? How about Brian Michael Bendis?

James: Male pattern baldness.

Or, more seriously, their legacies will be mixed because of their popularity. I remember a pal telling me in the middle of Morrison’s acclaimed Batman run that the guy was just phoning it in and had been for years, which is so crazy wrong I don’t know where to start. And similarly, a certain type of comic fan likes to knock Bendis for being “talk-y” and having a style. I dunno, I like both these dudes. I think, in the better legacy, Morrison will be remembered for telling some character-defining stories like his Batman run and All-Star Superman, one of the greatest characters with that story ever.

With Bendis, if he’s not simply remembered for his prolificacy, it will be Ultimate Spider-Man that people remember him for. Re-inventing an iconic character and making that new version such a smash hit is one thing. Keeping that up for over a decade (and counting) is another. The simple consistent quality of Ultimate Spider-Man, as well as adding in a beloved reboot of said beloved rebbot in the form of Miles Morales, is a great thing to be remembered for.

Brandon: Grant Morrison will probably be remembered for that time he dueced in his pants on a plane in front of people. Or maybe that’s just a story I will remember when I’m too old to parse through Morrison stories on my own volition. (Imma finish you one day, Invisibles.) Brian Michael Bendis will be remembered for many things, but it’s hard to guess at exactly what. Maybe it’s Powers, especiall if and when that show finally gets made. Maybe it will be Miles Morales, or his work as part of the Marvel movie committee, or writing for the Ultimate Spider-Man cartoon (which is so rad, you guys), or Scarlet, or whatever. The dude is pretty prolific, and in several ways that will ensure some kind of longevity. But hey, no one knows the future and blah blah blah.

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Scott continues: What is your favourite Alanis Morrisette song?

James: This is in fact a very difficult question for me to answer, because Jagged Little Pill was in fact the second album I ever owned (after Mariah Carey’s Daydream). I have spent most of my life listening to that album and thinking about it, and my favourite song on the album is more or less in perpetual flux. And of course, I’m going to pick a song from that album as my favourite Alanis song. Don’t get me wrong, the songwriting might be a little more refined on Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie or Under Rug Swept, and so there could be a case to make for songs on those albums, but it’s the slightly unpolished immediacy (“Perfect” was written and recorded in one take) that I think holds up best out of Alanis’ discography. It’s an album of a young woman discovering that she doesn’t have to be a certain way and letting out a lot of previous emotion that stuff like “Walk Away” couldn’t encompass.

A quick note: I am absolutely doing to consider music videos as an influence in my selection. That was a major way we used to be introduced to song – heck, it was how I was introduced to at least two songs on Jagged Little Pill – and a great video could gloss over a song’s weak points, or elevate it.

It basically comes down to five songs for me, which admittedly doesn’t narrow it down that much. The first one for consideration is “You Oughta Know.” At the time, it was such a shock that a former bubblegum pop act would release a song like this that I actually continually think of it as being the first song on the album when it was in fact the second. It was certainly the real about face for Alanis, going from “Dancing with Future Joey” to “Singing a revenge song about how you hope Then-Current-Joey feels phantom pains when you’re revenge fucking someone as payback for him hurting you. You guys, I was ten years old when I first heard that song. If you want a window into why I am the way I am, just think of this song being one of the first ways I learned about sex in anything but the clinical babymaking way. It was intense and that lingering feeling still creeps up on me when I listen to this song to this very day.

The next song in contention is “Hand in my Pocket,” which was the first Alanis song I ever heard and one of the first music videos I ever saw, and so I have a lot of fondness for seeing Alanis Morissette walking in a New York homecoming parade in black and white. It’s probably safe to say that this song’s video is one of the reasons I developed an enduring love for videos shot in black and white (shout out to Amanda Marshall!). I love the instrumentation, with the faint distorted buzz that kind of links all the different parts together. I like the rhyme juxtaposition and off-set coupling of the lyrics. It’s a very poetic song that kind of makes me feel warm and fuzzy to this day, even if at the time I was all, oh my god her other hand is flicking a cigarette and then she swore she is a bad girl oh no, because I was ten and didn’t know anyone younger than my parents who smoked or cussed. And I thought my babysitter Candace was so cool for playing it for me and she was just the coolest because she listened to Alanis and Green Day and she had a nose ring. For those playing at home, yes, this was the first lesbian I ever developed a crush on, a proud tradition that continues all the way to this last weekend, when I thought the server at the vegan restaurant was so cool and cute because she had a tattoo of a beet and then I realized the reason all my friends knew her was because they know each other from the LGBTQ community and I could literally hear half of you sighing over the internet.

The next song is one of my all-time favourite songs, and I am going to defend it, because I have literally put up with 19 years of people shit talking it: “Ironic.” And hey, I get it, you looked up “irony” in the dictionary, saw the first definition as “a figure of speech in which the intended meaning is the opposite of that expressed by the words used,” and called it a day. And I am gonna drop some knowledge on you right now and explain that there are different types of irony, and that between “situational irony” and “cosmic irony,” almost every instance in the song actually is ironic from these other definitions, even if it’s just to a mild degree. Well, except for rain on your wedding day, which still just seems like bad luck. Was it an outdoor wedding? Man, you shouldn’t have even tried with that. Just rent a hall or a church and don’t worry about it. But yeah, my favourite irony of “Ironic” is how the people “Um,actually”-ing it for the last two decades have actually been the ones who were wrong and needed to be corrected.

That aside, I like that the song is soft and fun, with that big, loud singalong chorus. The soft vocal intro and outro are both really nice and understated, and I think taken as a whole “Ironic” has a really nice progression. With all this out of the way, though, I’m gonna talk about the real reason the song is so great: it has one of my all-time favourite music videos. For those who don’t remember:

I like how each of the Alanises has a different palette and personality, and how clearly defined they are. The way the different Alanises sing the song almost in this casual, conversational way creates a great sense of intimacy, combined with how the actual shots frame it all like an actual conversation from a movie or television show. With those shots, the washed out colours of the car and the background and the pops of the actual Alanises’ outfits, it’s a really distinctive video and one I think about on the reg.

The fourth song in my consideration is “You Learn.” And I don’t have a story or some shit talk or a really refined rationale, I just think it’s a really great song. The conversational asides in the verses (“…I certainly do.”) The way the excitement bubbles up at the end of each verse going into the chorus, with lines like “the firetrucks are coming up around the bend” sort of bouncing and picking up speed. Just really good stuff.

The final song for consideration is “Head Over Feet,” which I am told has an interesting harmonic structure, but I can’t even really read sheet music so I am just going to trust everybody and Wikipedia for that one. No, I like this song because on an album that’s known for its raw nerve, this is an unabashed love song. With “You Oughta Know” giving the album its characteristic brash and ferocity, specifically about romance, “Head Over Feet” is a nice balancing act, where the inflammation settles down and what’s left is the vulnerability. If “You Oughta Know” is a song about being hurt, with its placement on the album, “Head Over Feet” is a song about getting over it and re-establishing some optimism in your life. It’s a humble, grateful song, and it’s also the prototype for a lot of the rest of Alanis’ career post-Pill. With the anger and hurt gone, what’s left is a polished, well-written pop song about a valuable insight.

So which song do I give it to? For all the personal connections, for being a song that has had a remarkable impact on my development as a listener, I’m tempted to give it to “Hand in my Pocket. But honestly, I think I might have to say that my favourite Alanis song is “Ironic.” It’s a great piece of music. It’s got an all-time great music video. But more than that, it’s managed to survive despite a hilariously misguided backlash that also allows me to be contrarian and “Um, actually” the “Um, actually”-ers, which is to say it is a gift that keeps on giving.

Brandon: Party Boy. This isn’t a joke.

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Scott goes on: What is your favourite Hitchcock film?

James: Psycho is the first one I ever saw, and that experience – the blending of the iconic moments like the shower with basically the entire final reveal and sequence, which nobody had ever talked about before – is sort of my baseline for a good Hitchcock movie. It’s a movie that has iconic scenes and still manages to surprise you even if you know them. It’s creepy-horror, one that’s based on psychology and slow prickles rising up your back instead of just one shower stabbing scene. It’s maybe my favourite.

I also love Rear Window, though. It’s got wonderful actors, including a fantastic lead performance from Jimmy Stewart. It has an ingenious premise that sets up a fascinating structure. And, like Psycho, like the best films in general, it’s able to be parodied without ever actually being lessened by it. You can watch “Bart of Darkness” and then Rear Window and still be blown away by it. It’s evergreen, almost perfect, and one of the best movies of all time, let alone just in Hitchcock’s oeuvre.

Brandon: Have I watched a Hitchcock film? No. No I haven’t. Your move, folks.

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Scott gets introspective: What is Dan Wilson’s greatest accomplishment to date?

James: I’m tempted to say it’s his sustained career as a world-class,Grammy-winning songwriter for acts like Adele, Taylor Swift and the Dixie Chicks, because it’s so rare that a rock musician manages to age that well and still contribute so much to the field, especially in a role that basically demands you your ego aside. For most people, that would be their greatest accomplishment.

But last night, right as I was parking at home, “Closing Time” came on the radio and I was unable and unwilling to leave my car because I had to stay and sing along. Years later, that’s still a flat-out amazing song, and the fact that he wrote that and was still able to continue writing phenomenal songs for other people is really neat. “Closing Time” is so indelible and timeless; it sound like it could have been made and released today or even years before it actually was. It’s just a perfect pop song, and there are only so many of those.

Brandon: Closing Time, probably. For reasons?

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Scott is a dame to kill for: According to Wikipedia, there is a three-year gap between Renee Zellweger’s last acting job and her attempt to create a pilot for Lifetime in 2013, which didn’t get picked up? What adventures do you think she was up to in that time?

James: Four words: Renee Zellweger, Secret Pope.

Brandon: It took some time, but she finally went and booked that eye appointment. And good for her.

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Scott sees the light: I’ve been hearing a lot lately about Jack Kirby’s Fourth World cycle. Can you sell me on it once and for all?

James: In short, it’s one of the purest glimpses into Kirby’s mind, into unbridled creativity, that there’s been in comics. With one of the ongoing unresolved questions in superhero comics being the division of work and credit between Jack Kirby and Stan Lee, the Fourth World cycle is basically DC letting Kirby create his own universe and play in it. It’s gorgeous. It’s innovative. It’s high melodrama. It’s gods in space! It’s wonderful.

Brandon: Basicaly, it’s Jack Kirby running free, building a new corner of the DC universe. Many characters have the craziest. You also get lines like:

And that’s just in the first couple of issues.

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Scott brings up some bad memories from the Royal Rumble last night: What 7 matches would you book for WrestleMania?

James: Okay, here we go:

-The Shield in a Triple Threat match for the United States Championship. The US Championship has been languishing for months (I actually can’t remember the last time that Dean Ambrose had to defend it) and the Shield is at the tipping point of a slow burn breakup, and I think combining both those angles into one match would be great. Reigns looks like a stud right now, especially after the Royal Rumble last night, so give him a belt and let him actually defend it to bring some prestige back to it like Big E Langston is doing with the Intercontinental Championship. With the two big titles being unified, there’s a great opportunity right now to raise up the lower belts. And, just from a storytelling point of view, I like the idea of the difficult, shifting allegiances between the members of the Shield being played out in the actual format of the match. The main crux of the Shield breakup is Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns taking issue with each other. Ambrose is growing increasingly unhinged and that’s let Reigns step up as the conquering force, which only makes Ambrose crazier. Meanwhile, Seth Rollins is caught in the middle. He seems to have the least ego out of the three characters, and the one who still believes most in the idea of the Shield. He got angry at Ambrose last night when Dean tried to opportunistically eliminate Reigns, but both of them got eliminated at once by Roman. I can see Rollins temporarily teaming up with Ambrose against Reigns, but being ultimately unable to put up with Ambrose’s insanity. In short, this match is a battle for Rollins’ soul and allegiance.

-The New Age Outlaws wrestle nobody, and over the course of a 15 minute non-match the crowd gradually realizes how awful they are as they try to fill the time, turning on them and tearing them limb from limb.

I really fucking hate the New Age Outlaws, you guys. Realistically, if they have to hold onto the tag team belts for a while, I’d like to see them lose them in a match at ‘Mania, ideally versus the Rhodes Brothers, but really, against literally anybody else.

-Dolph Ziggler vs. Big E Langston for the Intercontinental Championship. Langston is a beast whose profile is on the rise, and he’s really helping the Intercontinental belt right now. I want to see him get a sustained push. Ziggler is a great wrestler who sells bumps like nobody but Seth Rollins, and he desperately needs some heat back after his concussion last year basically derailed his whole career. He’s currently suffering the worst fate in WWE – being ignored – and that won’t do.

-AJ Lee vs. a NXT woman wrestler like Paige or Bayley. I’d like to see basically any of the NXT women make it to the main roster, because under Sara Del Rey that whole division has just become phenomenal, with a focus on actual wrestling and character work. Paige vs. AJ might be hard to pull off, because they’ve both got the same “Anti-Diva” attitude, so it’s hard to really set them up being against each other, but I think you could maybe do it if you made it about their egos, with the hungry up-and-comer taking issue with AJ’s haughty attitude about being the only female wrestler who’s any good. Either that, or you go completely the other way and put Bayley in the match with AJ, because her “Oh my gosh you are so cool” fangirl attitude, combined with genuine wrestling ability, makes a great mini-drama with AJ, who wants people to adore her but flips out if anyone positively compares themselves to her or, say, says they’re going to be Divas champion:

Either way, AJ is currently being tragically wasted in the WWE because she’s the only decent female wrestler on the main roster, and even though she’s right when she drops a pipe bomb about how worthless the others are, she’s the heel because she’s not on Total Divas on E!.

-CM Punk, back in heel mode, versus a doofy good guy he can hilariously antagonize. Punk is best when he’s being a dick and you’re supposed to hate him for it, and he’s even said he enjoys that most. So have him get arrogant as well, start proselytizing about the straightedge life again and have him run up against someone like Cody Rhodes, Alexander Rusev (I will always love the “big dude vs.tiny guy” matches) or Antonio Cesaro (who has switched to a face if only because we all love him). Let Cesaro just destroy Punk, and then have a surprise/impressive finish. Or even better, bring up Sami Zayn from NXT, a guy who put on several of the best matches of last year. He’s the future of the company, and having him fight with Punk can get him over in front of a big crowd in a hurry.

-Summer Rae vs. Emma. First off, I don’t believe the whole “there can only be 0-1 Divas matches because people don’t care” stuff. People don’t care because you’ve filled the division with bad wrestlers they can’t enjoy watching, who you treat as heroic airheads while actively vilifying women who challenge that as “crazy.” The Divas division right now, as it stands, is sexist horseshit because it’s basically saying the only thing that women are good for is to be sexy lamps. Fuck that noise. Luckily, you’ve got a NXT women’s division that’s full of great wrestlers. To date, Summer Rae is the only one that you’ve brought up, and you haven’t really let her wrestle at all. But hey, there’s Emma appearing in Raw and Smackdown crowds! And did you see the, “Oh, THIS BITCH?!” face Summer Rae threw at her last week? That’s because they’ve already got a great , pre-established beef. And when put together with a talented wrestler, Summer Rae can show what she’s got. Let it happen. It’s not a title match, but it will be a good match that proves the only thing limiting women from being headlining wrestlers is chauvinism.

And for god’s sake, stop calling it the fucking Divas Division already. Make it the Women’s Championship and have it mean something.

-Daniel Bryan vs. the Undertaker. Maybe it’s a championship match. Maybe it’s not, who cares. I know I don’t care about any of the people the WWE keeps trying to tell me are the “true” champions, guys like John Cena, Randy Orton, Batista, The Rock (when he’s not being a delightfully charming actor) or even fuckin’ Sheamus. I hate the “aggressive, chiseled big guy” model that they seem to think is the only WWE Heavyweight Champion can exist. Bryan is the best, most exciting wrestler they have, and the Undertaker’s streak is one of the biggest matches at every WrestleMania. Let Bryan fight; give him a big showcase match vs a legend. It doesn’t matter if he wins, because I don’t think anybody expects ‘Taker to ever lose at ‘Mania now. But it will be exciting, the crowd will be in it and the night can end with everybody shouting “YES!” and cheering louder than they ever have. I know this because that’s what happens whenever Daniel Bryan wrestles a headlining match.

This is why I’m so frustrated and disgusted with the Royal Rumble end last night. And not because Batista won, because hey, I get it; he’s got a movie and could be a star and Vince McMahon craves that kind of legitimacy. If you cut him, does he not bleed cross-brand synergy? So even if I don’t like it, even if it sets up the most boring match in history at WrestleMania XXX in April, I can see why that shook out as it did. What I don’t get is the fact that, when the big question for the last two weeks (if not MONTHS) has been, “Will Daniel Bryan win the Royal Rumble,” you then give him the opening (and best) match of the night, seemingly tailor-made to give him a rest before he runs in as the #30 entrant in the Rumble, then have him not appear at all. He’s so in-demand by the fans that they cheered his name during the boring championship match earlier in the night. They cheered him when he didn’t appear in the match. And most importantly, they booed the guy who took his apparent place and the eventual winner in the middle of his celebration. The last 10 minutes of the match was just Daniel Bryan cheers and booing, and the effect was that it not only de facto turned Roman Reigns face, but it turned Batista heel at the exact moment the company was trying to get him over as this returning hero ready to take on the corporate villain. I’m wondering how, or if, the company will actually roll with that, because right now they’ve got a guy the commentators were screaming at the viewer to love and all the crowd could do was boo. Hell, Mick Foley, the guy who shows up now and again to tow-the-company-line-slash-be-Santa, was angry at Bryan’s omission. From a PR viewpoint, this seems to make the WWE brass look as out-of-touch and backwards-thinking that they could be.

And I agree. It’s disheartening to see the entire wrestling world demanding something and have it be so at odds with what the company wants to do. It’s saddening to see apparent proof that my definition of success for the company (fans excited and energized by a wrestler so popular that crowds in other sports are doing his cheer, a swell of public awareness perfectly timed for your affordable steaming service in a way to grow the company for years to come) is so different from theirs (old wrestlers coming back and get belts, then not actually show up every week for Raw because they’re movie stars now, they’ve got stuff to do). It seems so backwards and reductive for the WWE to so desperately crave public legitimacy that they’ll do nothing but try to play to nostalgia now that guys who left them behind are popular.

The best feature of the WWE Network might end up being that the WWE will now have minute-by-minute breakdowns of exactly when people shut off boring matches. Because right now, SummerSlam doesn’t have a big buyrate and Vince McMahon gives a speech to shareholders blaming Daniel Bryan, the crowd’s most beloved hero.

Brandon: Man, did I see some things about the Rumble on the internet last night. You kids, and your wrestle-fests.

The more I watch and hear about the modern WWE, the more I can equate their actions with that of DC Comics. We enjoy some of what they do, and we want to enjoy them a whole lot more, but a lot of their decisions are banana pants.

Anyway, I’m not that great at knowing the people and things working in the WWE right now, so hey, let’s go with what the WWE will probably book:

Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt (for all the marbles!)

Randy Orton vs. Batista (which Batista will win becase somebody gotta flash some gold during all of them Guardians of the Galaxy interviews)

CM Punk vs. The Rock

The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

A one on one on one SHIELD match. Aaaannnd… that’s honestly all I have in me. Triple H will have a match that he’ll win, because whatever.

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That’s it for the one hundred and twenty-eighth instalment of Um, Actually. Check in every Monday and Thursday for a brand new column. If you have anything you’d like answered, hit up our contact page! If you submit anything via Twitter – to @blogaboutcomics, @Leask, or @soupytoasterson – remember to include the hashtag #UMACTUALLY so that we don’t lose it. Remember: you can ask us anything. Seriously, anything.