Welcome, dear readers, to our regular letter column; a series of missives from and to the internet, delivered by a series of tubes.

A word of warning: James is off across the god damn country at a friend’s bachelor party, so Brandon is flying solo. This probably means no essays or insights

Thank you, internet.

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Brittney (@britl) asks: Why did Jaymes leave you? Is the Jaymes Robit helping?

James left me because apparently he thinks he needs to see other bros in other provinces. Which is fine. I’m fine, just… look, whatever. And the Jaymes Robit is not helping out this week because I’m so fine with this whole stupid thing I pushed it off my balcony because I don’t need him anymore I don’t need anyone.

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Danica (@DanicaHere) asks: Why haven’t we been listening to Thrilling Adventure Hour lately? We’re many episodes behind.

Umm… except for my darling girlfriend Danica of course. Uhhh… hey babe. We’ll catch up soon. Also hey, you know how you said it was creepy that I kept a life-sized robot of James in the big blue trunk of ours? Whelp, I decluttered it, and I’m not even crying.

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Brittney continues: What did you think of Iron Man 3?

Iron Man 3 was the best, you guys. THE BEST. That said, I once had a roommate from Chilé. He was staying in the country for a short time in order to make a bunch of cash and learn English, and his needs were fairly simple. Because he would eventually have to leave for his home country at some point, he didn’t buy much beyond food and drinks, so to pass the time, he liked to go through my extensive DVD collection and watch… well, everything. Each time he pulled out something new, he would stop and ask me what I thought of the movie, or TV show. Near the end of his stay, after he asked me what I thought about Veronica Mars, he stopped me before I could even answer, and said, “Let me guess. It’s your very favourite.”

I narrowed my eyes at him while he grinned at me, “The best, yeah. Wait, how did you-”

Which is when he erupted with laughter.

“Everything!” he said, grinning, “Everything is the bery best.”

Which is when I thought back to all of his questions. He asked me about a lot of things over those months. He asked about The OC, about Supernatural and Buffy and Everwood. He asked me about Josie and the Pussycats and The Princess Bride and… thinking about it, yes, the original Iron Man movie. Everytime, my answer was the same.

“Oh man, it’s the best Gonzalo. One of my very favourites.”

Thinking about all of that, as he laughed at my total lack of opinion beyond, “it’s the best,” I came to the realization that… well, I love the things I love. It’s part of why they bring me joy.

I’ve never really been a fan of discecting or pulling apart. I’ve done it before, and will do it again when I can’t help but pull the strings, but at the end of the day, for me, it comes down to this: a movie like Iron Man 3 was the best. It was the best because I had fun watching it in the theatre, and will have fun watching it again and again when physical copies are available for purchase. It was the best because the kid made me laugh, and the scenes with Pepper were amazing, and the Manderin twist was great and holy damn, that big battle! That climax! I loved the whole damn thing. The fact that it also happened to complete Tony’s gradual transition from incouragable douchebag to something resembling a decent human being (albiet with a sarcastic goatee) was pretty much secondary to my visceral enjoyment - as these things should be. After all, layers should be bonuses… and not currency for the worth of a movie. Or at least that’s my opinion. You?

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Brittney concludes: When do we get a female superhero movie? And who would that movie be about? Who would you cast?

We get a female superhero movie when Hollywood smartens the fuck up and realizes the draw of an action movie starring a female lead. Historically, they’ve been shy to fire that bullet because… well, action movies with female leads “don’t sell”. So they don’t make them. And when one of them is brave enough to actually try, they hedge their bets so hard that… well, inevitably, the movie doesn’t really succeed. Whether it’s marketing or storyline changes or both or more, it all swirls until it becomes nothing more than a self fufilling prophecy. Which is where we are now.

What will it take? Well, it will take the next wave of riskier Marvel movies to succeed before we get the best opportunity. After The Avengers became the biggest grossing movie of all time, the studio pretty much walked into Disney and wrote two big “fuck you cheques” called Ant-Man and Guardians of the Galaxy. I call them “fuck you cheques” because there was no way in hell Disney didn’t balk at both concepts before Marvel countered their apprehension with “we just made you the most money so fuck you, aaaaand fuck you”. Should these movies do well (and let’s face it, if they keep to the “putting great, passionate people in charge of making our movies” formula, they’ll do well), they’re going to have a few bigger fuck you cheques to cash… which is when they’ll probably make a go of a Black Widow movie. Or hey, maybe they’ll surprise and go with Captain Marvel. I’d watch that. And Jennifer Lawrence would play Carol, which would work great because that’ll still be… oh, let’s say six? Seven years from now? And she’d rock the fuck out of playing Carol Danvers.

Yeah. Let’s do this.

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Scott Williams (@scottowilliams): What do you believe is your role as a retailer?

You son of a bitch. You asked that knowing full well it was going to explode the word count on this article. Is… is this how James feels when this happens? It… it feels like anger? But… like a sexual anger. This probably explains why he’s started to whip me with the microphone cord before we start recording the podcast each week.

What was your question again?

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Scott: What are some examples of bad customers and how do you handle them?

Boy howdy. Well, I’ve got quite a few stories, like the time I was threatened by a junkie and had to phone a local eatery with a safeword so they could send someone over to help. That was pretty bad.

In the realm of non-extreme cases, well, I could really go on forever. Keeping in mind that 90% of my customers are awesome and that at least 10% of all people are terrible in general, I’ll say that the worst customers are the ones who seem to think that my time is worthless. Like the person who recently asked if I could look up all of DC’s Secret Files comics and print off an alphabetized list.

“Were you looking for anything in particular?”

“Oh, no, not really. I don’t have any money right now, I just want a list.”

Well, bully for you, champ. I’ll just stop inputing these invoices for an hour while I whip that up for you.

And then there’s Magic customers. A good chunk of them are good eggs, but the worst are far, far worse than any human beings I’ve had to deal with, in any social situation. Which is to say, I had to kick out three MTG customers (whose 30 minutes in the store had pulled a combined $5.10 worth of cards) for pretending to masterbate and come on each other (while pulling on their cheeks to make that sound) in front of a five year old child. So hey, there’s an image for you.

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Josh Bazin (@joshbazin) asks: What would Casanova Quinn do for a Klondike Bar?

Is it “fuck something”? I bet the answer is “fuck something”.

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Josh Bazin (@joshbazin) asks: You have to choose between James and more Casanova comics. What do you choose, and why?

Hey look everyone! Josh found my Sophie’s Choice. Except, you know, it’s not a bullshit choice like “which one of your children gets to die”. If my upbringing has taught me anything, it’s that all parents have a favourite.

Anyway, if I were forced to choose between James, and more Casanova comics, I would choose Casanova comics. Because Casanova comics would never leave their bro. And also, I’m pretty sure if I chose James over Casanova comics, he would always resent me a little bit. He has a problem with self-worth, so the fact that I chose him over something we both believe to be one of the best comic book series in the medium’s long, storied history would probably bug him and change the relationship. What I’m saying is, by making me choose, you are dooming this friendship, Josh. YOU ARE OUR DESTRUCTION.

Know this: if you take either away from me, I’m coming for Nathan Edmonson.

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Devin R. Bruce (@Doctor_Teeth) asks: Who would you like to see on a licensed iCarly comic?

Devin, Devin, Devin. Can I call you Devin? Devin. Your name looks weird when I type it out five times like that. I think there might be something wrong with it. I also think a lot of things. For instance, I think J. Torres would rock the hell out of an iCarly comic - although to be fair, it’s because he’s currently giving the iCarly treatment to L’il Jinx over at Archie with his two Jinx graphic novels. Those books are great and funny, and definitely in the spirit of iCarly.

But hey look, I wouldn’t say “no” to reuniting Sean McKeever and Takeshi Miyazawa for a run of iCarly. Although Dan Schneider would probably want Bendis on board, as both flipped out when they discovered they admired each other’s work. Which wouldn’t be bad either.

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Devin continues: Many people who are considered experts in a field come off as jerks. How do you stay relatively humble?

Yipes. Can I really be considered relatively humble? When I’m in the comic shop, I talk a mean game. It’s the place where I feel the most confident about myself (that isn’t at home). But I think I get what you’re saying.

I know a lot about comics and what I like about comics, but I try not to let my love and knowledge become problematic. It’s very, very easy to be That Comic Book Guy who “knows what’s best” and loudly tells you just what he thinks about the characters you love and the books you’re buying. Listen, I don’t like Spawn, but I would never begrudge a person who gets a charge from reading his book. Spawn is a book designed for people who love Spawn, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I will gladly sell a person on Spawn if I believe it is the best gateway they have to the world of comics, and from there, I will help them explore the areas they wish. You can’t let your own opinions, likes and dislikes overtake your ability to see what’s best for other readers, especially potential readers.

That’s it for the seventy-first installment of Um, Actually! Check in every Monday and Thursday for a new batch of questions. If you have anything you’d like answered, hit up our Contact page! If you submit anything via Twitter – to @blogaboutcomics, @leask or @soupytoasterson - remember to include the hashtag #UMACTUALLY so that we don’t lose it. Remember: you can ask us anything. Seriously, anything.