Welcome, dear readers, to our regular letter column; a series of missives from and to the internet, delivered by a series of tubes. We welcome your comments and questions. About anything! We’ll answer it, and at least one of us will take you seriously. Maybe.

Ask us anything! It can be about comics, or it can be about something else, like Christmas cookies, the bullshit of “bacon”-flavoured candy canes or even most of those non-traditional, non-mint candy canes in the first place. If you’re buying those - and I don’t say this lightly, because during the holidays we should all be nice to each other - you’re a monster and you should be stopped. Do you hear festive sirens? You should hear festive sirens. Hope you enjoy Holi-jail, monster.

Oh, I guess you could ask about TV or something.

You’re welcome, internet.

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Jay (@jayrunham) asks: If you were an Air Jordan sneaker, which one would you be?

James: The best one, Jay. The most expensive, most glorious, most-limited edition one. The one you see in your nightmares night after night, as you pull your face off the court and look up. Because what do you see? You see my soles, flashing “SUCK IT RUNHAM,” as I take an easy lay-up down the court for two. And all you hear, as hot tears run down your face, are the echoes of my trash talk that left you so personally, internally destroyed that you fell to the ground, sobbing, rending your hair and clothes.

What I’m saying is that when we play basketball I am going to break you down into your constituent parts using only the power of my words. Okay, and maybe a well-placed shoulder. Those feet weren’t planted, son. That’s a personal foul.

Brandon: He’s going to break you down with his words, because he has no depth perception with which to drive the ball to the hole. Maybe let the vision of James dunking beside the hoop keep you warm at night. Am I helping? I feel like I’m helping. Also, I want Air Jordans with air pump action. I’m pretty sure that’s a thing that exists, and no, I will not do any research to back up my claims.

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Chris (@chrisinedmonton) asks: What do you like to give in office gift exchanges? Funny or personal gifts?

James: The only offices I’ve worked in, we haven’t done a Secret Santa-style gift exchange that lets you cater a gift to a specific person. Basically every gift exchange I’ve been a part of has been one where everybody just buys a general gift and you pull numbers out of a hat to see in what order people pick from the pool of gifts, with a mechanic for stealing them built in to make it interesting and irrevocably damage friendships, family bonds or working relationships. I’ve seen ones happen where wheeling and dealing happens openly, with people negotiating mutual steals to get what they want and leave some poor sap with some weird aromatherapy infusion sticks. WHICH NEVER WORKED, BY THE WAY, LINDSAY.

Ahem.

But because of this, it’s not really possible to buy a personal gift, though my friend Matthias disagrees; he believes you can buy a personal gift for just one person as part of the exchange, and let the mechanics of the exchange itself work out how it gets to that person. It’s an interesting idea, though I still prefer to go by a different rule: I buy something that I myself would like, but general enough so that it’s not, like, a Batman body pillow.

I also stay away from joke gifts, if only because I’ve never actually been part of an exchange where that was part of the stated premise. If it’s not part of the premise, I think it’s risky, because you could end up giving someone, like, a “PORN FOR WOMEN” calendar or a $20 dildo and they’re just not laughing. Judging from the exchanges I’ve been a part of, if I’d given a joke gift, I’d have always been the only one, and I don’t know how it would be received.

Depending on the audience, I think giving something edible is nice, and those are often the most clamoured-for gifts at exchanges in which I’ve participated, but with allergies and dietary restrictions, my go-to gift is a nice mug and either some coffee or tea. Everybody likes mugs. Most people like coffee or tea. Someone ends up happy, and isn’t that the point of gift giving?

Brandon: In my office gift exchanges, I buy John a six and/or twelve pack of Heineken. Because: comic shop.

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Ryan (@rocketmunkey) asks: The Wife wants to get me books for stocking stuffers. Suggestions?

Brandon: It’s been a while since you’ve been in, so there’s quite a few things that I feel will pique your interest. East of West immediately springs to mind, a pre-apocalyptic post-apocalypse where alternate history mixes in with that one prophecy of the four horsemen (with a dash of other cultural doomsaying) to create a pretty rad book. It’s by Jonathan Hickman and Nick Dragotta, and the first trade is just $9.99.

And speaking of pre-apocalypse books, Sheltered is a book that I’ve been enjoying, about a very real kind of pre-crash, and what happens when the kids of a compound go Lord of the Flies on themselves and their parents. Now, of course, if you’re not looking for something as dark as those, there’s always the new Hawkeye collections and The Sixth Gun - a fantastic supernatural western series that is month to month, the highest quality book out there. No lies.

James: If we’re not limiting it to comic books, and can include more standard prose, a good read is Sean Howe‘s Marvel Comics: The Untold Story. I’m also a fan of Michael Chabon; he won a Pulitzer for his comic-themed The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, but he’s also written some weird genre/detective stories about alternate histories where the Jewish people were given a nation in Sitka, Alaska instead of Israel, so you know he’s down for some Great Weird Stuff. His latest book, Telegraph Avenue, is really wonderful and I’m enjoying it greatly.

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Ryan continues: Since everyone knows DIE HARD is teh Best Christmas Movie Ever, which movies fill #2-10 in your Top 10?

James: Get out.

Brandon: Ryan, you should be ashamed of yourself. This is in addition to the shame you should feel for this question.

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Scott (@scottowilliams) asks: Is DIE HARD a Christmas movie?

James: Brandon will say it more succinctly below, but I get unreasonably angry every year when I have to deal with a bunch of people being Unbearably Wrong(tm) about Die Hard. So if this comes off as blunt:

First, well, good.

Second, it’s because I am constitutionally incapable of dealing with 2+ months every year of people talking nonstop about how Die Hard is the best Christmas movie.

Here’s the thing: Die Hard is great. It’s one of the all-time greats. It’s practically perfect in how it’s constructed, and it caused a minor revolution in an entire genre of movie. It’s spectacular, and one of my favourite movies. It also just happens to take place at Christmas, and that, in some people’s minds, makes it a Christmas movie, as if The Way, Way Back featuring a Fourth of July party makes it a patriotic movie about America’s independence. But of course, you wouldn’t say that, because that’s fucking absurd.

To me, a Christmas movie doesn’t just get that title because it takes place at around a ruined Christmas party, or because there’s garland in one scene, or because the hero says, “Ho Ho Ho.” Now, I’m not saying that Christmas isn’t a part of the movie, but the movie misses out on the biggest criterion for being a Christmas movie: it’s not thematically Christmassy. One of the hallmarks of a Christmas movie - be it A Charlie Brown Christmas, A Christmas Carol, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, It’s A Wonderful Life, Elf or even Jingle All the Goddamn Way - is that something about the holiday itself and its themes of generosity, family and giving (or Jesus) is represented in a change in the (or at least a) protagonist. Scrooge learns to be generous. George Bailey learns life has meaning. Charlie Brown learns the true meaning of Christmas and his friends learn to stop being assholes to him about it. Buddy’s dad learns to accept his son for who he is and also believe in Santa Claus. Even there’s even an emotional change of state in Frosty the Snowman. All these movies are intrinsically about Christmas and, as a result, take place during it. But not in Die Hard. Even the poster describes it as a movie about “Twelve terrorists. One cop.” And unless Hans Gruber learns to fix his selfish ways through the power of the season, well, brother, this ain’t no Christmas movie.

Now, I hear you saying, “But James, the movie is about John McLane being reunited with his family.” And that is 100% true. But it’s not about John McLane learning to change, appreciate his wife or make more time for his kids. When the movie starts, John’s already gone through his change. He has exactly zero emotional arc in Die Hard; he shows up, wastes some motherfuckers and kisses his estranged wife. It’s perfect. It’s just not inherently Christmassy. John’s change is over as soon as he decides to buy that plane ticket and be a family again, and that happens at least a few hours before the movie takes place. Imagine A Christmas Carol if, instead of being about visiting Christmases past, present and future, it picks up after Scrooge wakes up and discovers it’s Christmas day, but before he arrives at the Cratchetts’ house. At that point, it’s just about an underdressed man running through the streets. That’s Die Hard, or, at least, it would be if Scrooge also shot some terrorists along the way. It could still be great, and hell, you might even see a wreath or two. But it wouldn’t be a Christmas movie, just like Die Hard isn’t one. Like Brandon says below, you could basically take out a couple of lines and change the decorations at the party and it would be an identical movie that could take place at any time of the year. And if it’s that easy to apply to literally any other situation whatsoever, it’s not about Christmas.

Actually, an addendum. Heck, a revision! I’ve seen the error of my ways, dear reader! I’ve changed my mind. Not only is Die Hard not a Christmas movie, but it actually becomes demonstrably worse if you consider it one. The perfection of Die Hard comes from how bare bones it is, structurally and thematically. No big emotional developments, just a movie about a guy destroying some criminals. McLane is presented with a problem (terrorists) and the rest of the movie’s plot is him finding a solution (bullets, usually). It’s elegant in its starkness. But if you start calling it a Christmas movie, that starkness stops being elegant and turns empty. No emotional arc. No lesson learned, let alone through generosity and giving. The sets look incomplete because the trappings of the season aren’t there. When you make Die Hard a Christmas movie, you judge it by a different set of standards, one that make it appear lacking, when it’s anything but. It’s a great movie because it’s a great action movie. If it’s a Christmas movie, it’s a bad one, and that’s a weird movement to have taken hold.

The weird thing is that the whole trend seems so recent. I grew up watching and loving Die Hard, with friends and family that watched and loved Die Hard, but it wasn’t until about 5 years ago that I heard someone call it a Christmas movie before that notion spread like wildfire. It’s like a whole generation grew up just liking an action movie and then, all of a sudden, simultaneously decided to call it something else. And I have absolutely no idea why that is. Is it ironic? Is it because people were tired of stop-motion elf dentists and wanted to watch Bruce Willis wreck some dudes instead? It feels like a convenient, pat statement of convenience that an entire group of people decided to embrace because it seemed “fun” or “kitschy,” with a few people who got suckered into it with good intentions, Jonestown Massacre-style. A lot of the time, it also feels embarrassed of the Christmas season itself. ”Yuletide cheer isn’t cool, here’s some blood instead.” Ugh, man. Ugh. It all just leaves a weird taste in my mouth.

Brandon: Die Hard is a Christmas movie in the way that Iron Man 3 is a Christmas movie. Both could not take place at Christmas, and be almost identical movies.

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Scott continues: What is your favourite Christmas special/movie (traditional and non-traditional varieties)?

Brandon: I definitely watch Love Actually every year. As for other Christmas specials, I still love A Charlie Brown Christmas. Speaking of which, have you guys ever seen that weird Peanuts special where they go to France, and I think Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patty and Marcie get into some kind of weird French Danger? It’s a pretty crazy movie.

James: I’m a big Love, Actually fan, but I’m also a big Jingle All the Way fan (it’s like my love for Must Love Dogs or I’ll Be Home For Christmas; I don’t pretend it’s a good movie, I just genuinely like it anyway), so take it as you will. Elf is a great modern classic, and people who speak ill of It’s A Wonderful Life will be taken out back and shot, but my favourites are animated ones, like Rankin/Bass’ oeuvre (my pick of these is either Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or Santa Claus is Coming to Town), How the Grinch Stole Christmas or my personal, all-time favourite, A Charlie Brown Christmas.

As far as nontraditional goes, I might just have to pick the Community stop-motion animated special, “Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas.” It’s weird, sweet and still full of Bjork and LOST references. I love it to bits.

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Scott goes on: What is your favourite action figure?

Brandon: Probably my double Scott Pilgrims. Or those TMNT figs that I have, based off the classic designs. They’re the only ones I’ve kept, so.

James: I have an action figure of Man-of-Bats, the Native American member of Batman, Incorporated, and I think it’s amazing.

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Scott inquires: How early or late do you get your Christmas shopping done?

Brandon: I’m usually wrapping things up now-ish. Which is to say, I have one Christmas present left to buy, I think.

James: I try to do it as early as possible, and online as much as possible. This means I try to do it in the first week of December (if not a week earlier), just to make sure shipping delays don’t ruin everything, but I usually have a couple of things to pick up the week before. I still have to buy my sister’s present, is what I’m saying.

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Scott wraps up: Why is Big Star so great?

Brandon: Who? Fun fact: I could not name you one of their songs.

James: FRIENDS OFF, BRANDON.

For those poor (f/s)uckers like Brandon, Big Star were a band from the 1970s that were essentially the Velvet Underground of power pop. It was once remarked that not a lot of people listened to the Velvet Underground, but everyone who did started a band. Big Star is kind of like that, except instead of complex, twisting songs about about drugs and depression, they wrote clear, bright and infinitely catchy songs about love, being young… and, well, depression. Seriously, listen to Third/Sister Lovers; that album gets fuckin’ dark. If you’ve ever liked, say, a Spoon song, or a New Pornographers song, you owe a debt of gratitude to Alex Chilton and Chris Bell for songs like “September Gurls” and “Thirteen,” maybe two of the best songs ever about romantic longing. Alex Chilton, the band’s primary songwriter, was so influential the Replacements even did a song about it.

(And for the record, Brandon, you’ve probably heard Wilco’s cover of “Thirteen” on Gilmore Girls, and Cheap Trick’s (or Todd Griffin’s, if ya nasty) cover of “In the Street” during the opening credits of That 70s Show.)

And honestly, it’s this kind of thing that made Big Star so great. Even if they never became famous, even if Alex Chilton, one of the greatest songwriters of a generation, died basically because he couldn’t afford health insurance, the love they inspired in people was beauteous. They made crisp, jangly, perfect songs about being young and other universal topics. They made refined, elegant music that also had sweet licks, in a perfectly distilled form. They’re like musical earnestness taken to a crystallized extreme, and decades later, their songs are still these indelible jewels of pure feeling.

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That’s it for the one hundred and twenty-first installment of Um, Actually. Check in every Monday and Thursday for a new batch of questions. If you have anything you’d like answered, hit up our contact page! If you submit anything via Twitter – to @blogaboutcomics, @Leask or @soupytoasterson – remember to include the hashtag #UMACTUALLY so that we don’t lose it. Remember: you can ask us anything. Seriously, anything.