You people! You turds! It is once again time! For the inevitable. The ineffable! Drunk! Comic! Reeecaaaaaaaaps!!!

Okay so hey. This week, we’re finally gonna get to the end of the Chuck Austen X-Men Epic: The Draco. For new readers, it’s a story where Nightcrawler finds out he’s the son of the devil and Mystique, which is bad because Nightcrawler is like super gay for Jesus. Also, the Juggernaut is in Canada, trying to save his little broseph Sammy the Squid boy (who is really a fish boy) from his abusive daddy.

Uncanny X-Men #434: The Comeuppancening.

THAT NEEDS TO BE A REAL WORD. FUCK YOU, OXFORD. AND YOUR GOD DAMN DICTIONARY.

Anyway, we open with a confrontation! Between Nightcralwer and his pops and his moms. Moms is entirely a thing. Look it up in the slang thing. Dictionary. Why am I super into dictionaries this week?

Anyway, Nightcrawler is confronting Azazel (his dad) and Azazel is not cool with it. Meanwhile, the Juggernaut is fighting members of Alpha Flight, because Sammy lives in Canada, and he is breakinga law or something. It’s been a while since I read the last part AND I’M DRUNK YOU DICKS but you get the idea. The Juggernaut is “supposedly” in the wrong, trying to save this kid from his shitty parents, and Canada is being DICKS to him. Anyway, in this big fight, the Juggers accidently ends up endangering Sammy’s mom’s life and when he realizes this, he stops fighting back because… well, he didn’t mean to hurt Sammy or his mom. So there’s that.

Meanwhile, in hell, the X-Men are in some kind of trouble. One of the bad guys is being a dick to Carter, the young kid who stowed away on this adventure, and Bobby responds by straight up MURDERING the bitch by sucking all the water out of her body, to reform his. Apparently, he didn’t want to take up Angel on his offer to pee him out a new body in the last issue. He sure is a picky Susan. Anyway, shit starts going down fairly swiftly. With various X-Men trapped in different parts of Azazel’s castle, Nightcrawler knows he has to do something - but it turns out, he doesn’t have to, as a dues ex machina does it for him (SHIT YEAH COMMA FANCY WORDS!)

Lorna appears in some dude’s stomach, and start warping reality. She ends up pulling everyone out of hell (yes, it’s as crazy as it sounds) and the Nightcrawler and Azazel have like this fight thing, where they are both jerks to each other, and Nightcrawler is al “you’re not my dad, you’re just some dude with a penis” and he sends him back to hell. Later, he tells professor X that HE’S more like a father to him, and it’s touching or something. And also, Annie (Carter’s mom) makes out with Iceman a bit, because DRAMA, y’all. As you know, that bitch is supposed to be cold banging Havok. So that’s something interesting that we might see turn into something later. Maybe.

Next time! Is there some more Chuck Austen X-Men to read??? THERE IS! And it should be rad as shit. Until then!!!