What up, crackers and non-crackers? Do y’all know what time it is? DO YOU???! Well, it’s time for some Drunk! Comic! Reeeccaaaaaaaaaaaaps!

As always, the rules are thus: I get sauceded and then I read a comic, and then I write about it. When I come to in the morning, I’m not allowed to, um… to change things. Except for adding a picture and tags, so it looks neat on the website.

Aw yeah. Hey, so this week’s edition? Is a little special. When I started writing this it was my brithday (YESTERDAY) and so I am going to do the thing where I treat myself to something rad because it was my birthday and junk. And that thing? Is the comic book adaptation of NBC Movie of the Week: To Riverdale and Back. Which was an Archie reunion thing set 15 years into the fu-tuuuurrrrrrre!!!!

And it’s stunningly strange. I mean… the movie has this in it:

I KNOW, RIGHT??!?

Anyway. We should probably start this or something.

To Riverdale and Back Again: Chapter One: Home Town Boy

We begin! With a photo of the gang graduating, and a voice over from Archie, saying things about RIverdale., And it turns out? He’s talking to a couple who will probably be buying his parent’s house? Or his house? Fact is that duder is planning to move out of Riverdale, and he’s pretty super excited about it. And from the looks of things, he’s moving with some strange bitch named Pam. I say this, because she’s telling him about all the junk he’s packed, talking about how half the stuff will probably go to Salvation Army. Because she’s straight up cold like that.

Anyway, Veronica and Archie make with the smoochies for a bit before she takes off to the city. She’s skipping town before the reuinion, which is a little mean or something. As she drives away, Archie gets into his own car and starts driving to the reunion or some such, and which is when he nearly runs over Mr. Weatherbee. The Bee is pretty okay with things and even thanks Archie for making him some sweet dentures. Archie corrects the Bee by saying that he’s actually a lawyer and not a dentist. Which is when the Bee wanders off and berates Archie for working on his teeth. I think the Bee has gone remedial.

Later, Archie is getting his back adjusted by Moose and Midge, who do these types of things. They start talking about how Archie is probably all tense becuase Betty and Veronica will be at the reunion, and Archie denies it, but come on. The guy has to be nervous, meeting back up with two girls he strung along like that. Meanwhile, in Paris, Veronic is phoning the Bee to find out if Archie will be at the reunion. After he incontinently tells her about how Archie fixed his teeth, he says that he will be there, and Veronica agrees to go to the reunion, because yeah. This is when she gets a call from either her second or fourth ex husband (her butler doesn’t know which) to which she answers with the simple phrase “you can both go to hell”. Classy dame, that Veronica.

Elsewhere, Betty is teaching school, and at the end of the day, meets her husband in the parking lot. He tells her that he’s been made partner or something? For something? It’s getting hard to do this. Because I can barelyREAD NOW. Anyway, she agrees to go off where ever he needs her to, because that’s just what Betty does. I mean, she shouldn’t, because she’s a sweetie, but yeah. Oh, Betty. You were and are the super best.

Anyway, the next bit shows Jughead going to town with his son, because he apparently has a son. There’s not much to this scene - just Jug telling his son you’ll be able to tell where Riverdale is because you’ll see a River running through a Dale, (ba-dump-ch!). Then, Archie walks out of Pops where he meets Reggie, who is stepping out of what looks to be a Delorion. Turns out Reggie is like a used car salesman, and he;s talking to Srchie about financing a car, or something. Archie brushes it off and runs into a butler dude who sweeps him into a car where Mr. Lodge awaits. In the car, Mr. Lodge warns Archie not to infect his daughter with mediorocrity, which Archie replies to with flabbergast, saying that he’s engaged to be married and blah blah blah. This is good enough for Mr. Lodge who let’s Archie leave, which is when Archie goes to his house to find Jughead and his son squatting there? Somehow. Archie used a key to get in, after all. And they, um… didn’t? Anyway, this is where Jug says “I’ve always been scared of the opposite sex! And now here I am, divorced an lonely…”

Which says to me things might be getting a little sexy in a bit. But before that, Jughead’s son sets a toaster on fire and Archie has to toss it out a window. Yeah, that happened. Oh bother. This might be… I’m a third through this comic? And sleepy. THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU PEOPLES.

Chapter Two: The Eternal Truangle

So anyway, things progress and Archie and Betty and Veronica all meet up again. Archie and Betty get super close and tell each other how much they missed each other, and Veronica is all “did anyone miss me?” to which Jughead’s son says “Hubba hubba, all my life>” This is when Betty pulls away from Archie to intorduce him to her husband? Fiancee? Robert. I’ve forgotten how they are connected, goddammit. Shortly after this Veronica drapes herself over Archie, saying how happy she is to have him all to herself, to which Jughead’s son finds offense. Anyway, this is about when Archie tells the girls that he has a fiancee and they freak. Which… come on, Betty, you deserve better than this assface.

This is when Betty’s whoosits tells Archie that he’s super into Veronica, which is strange, his reasoning is “Don’t get me wrong, Betty’s the best thing that ever happened to me, but boys will be boys” which is BULLSHIT. Fuck. I really hope Betty comes out of this fairly happy. Because seriously, the girl dserves it. This is when Archie tells Jughead that he has a bad feeling about Betty’s bf (it’s a bf!). Jughead accuses Archie of being jealous, when the Bee breaks in and incontinely asks Arch about why Jughead’s kid looks so much like him (whhaa). Oh Bee. You’re sooo space crazy.

Later at the Choclit Shoppe, Betty and ARchie are having a conversation about Robert, and Archie says that he doesn’t treat Betty right. Betty says “He trets me… just likeyou used to Archie!” to which Arch rightfully replies, “Yes! And neither of us is good enough for you, Betty.” This is when Betty shares Archie a story she wrote about a time that they almost had sex. (WHAT).

“We got stuck and didn’t come home until morning and you parents thought we-” Betty begins.

“We did!” Archie says, “I can’t believe you don’t remember!”

But ha ha he’s only kidding about that and they both laugh and then look at each other meaningfully.

Later, Archie storms into… whereever Reggie is. This story jumps a bit, bmaybe because it’s a quick adaptation? Anyway, Archie is mad at Reggie, because Reggie seems to be trying to evict Pop Tate from his building. When Archie tells him he can’t do that, Reggie says, “Why sure I can! It’s as legal as an eighteeen year old” and you guys, I am getting uncomfrotable with all the Archie sex references. I mean… this isArchie.

Later, Archie is talking to Jughead about events which is when he tells Juggers “Something strange happened this afternoon! I was incredibly attracted to Betty.” Which shouldn’t be strange. Betty is the best. YOU HEAR ME? Anyway, this is when we find out that Jug is a psychiatrist (what?) and that his son filled Archie’s bed with gelatin because he hates Archie. Later, Veronica sneaks up to his room and says “I thought I’d find you asleep, Archie” to which he replies, “Umm… my bed’s full of gelatin!” And she says “Ah, so you didn’t forget our date.”

Oh snap.

Chapter Three: The Straight and Narrow

Falling asleep! But I will do this. For you people.

The chapter begins with Archie pushing Veronica out the door, not because he doesn’t want to make sex times with her, but because he does want to, and he’s going to be married soon. At least he recognizes how that would be bad. She leaves and we see Mr. Lodge following. Lodge talks to his driver about solving this “problem” to which the driver says that Archie will never see Veronica again, all murder like.

Later, Archie goes to some law books building to try and help find a way to save Pop’s business. It’s there that he sees Betty trying to do the same thing. They tell each other how much they’ve missed each other, and then they make out just a little bit in the stacks, because departing from each other, saying that they are both in love with other people, and the reason they made out a little bit is becuase of nostalgia. Sure, sure. This is also when Archie blows through a stop sign, because his brakes have been cut by that one dickbag drive of Mr. Lodge’s, which is bad.

Chapter Four: Their Day in Court

So Archie ends up crashing through the window of Reggie’s health and gym place? God, what the hell does Reggie dooooooo???!??! Could I be drunk? Anyway, shortly after this, the gang is in court as Archie is trying to stop Reggie from evicting Pop, but it’s not working. It appears as though Mr. Lodge is helping this eviction, and Veronica is not happy about it, so her and Archie go to a make out point, whichis where they make out a little before Veronica peels off, saying that Archie has a fiancee, and they should both think this through.

Chapter Five: All’s Fair

Damn, these chapters move fast. Turns out, the court finds in favour of eviction, and Pop will soon have no place to ply his wares. Archie attempts to drown his sorrows at the carnival, where Reggie and Robert both cream him on the bumper cars, and the girls attempt to console him. Afterwards in the car, Betty walks out on Robert, after he is a dick to her, and runs to Archie’s arms. They make out a little before his doorbell rings - which is when he shoves Betty into another room so he can answer the door. Which is when Veronica rushes in and plants a big one on his lips because “I’ve waited for years for you and I simply can’t wait another moment!”

Which is when the doorbell rings again, and Archie shoves Veronica into a closet just in time for his fiancee to show up. He walks away from the house with her, leaving the girls inside.

Chapter Six: The Moment of Truth

The girls fall out of their rooms and agree that they should go to Archie together and finally force him to choose between them. Meanwhile, Archie and his fiancee Pam are at Pop’s trying to find a solution to Pop’s troubles. Jughead and his son show up and declare that Jughead is looking for Ethal because he’s “decided that it would be a good first step in conquering my fear of women.”

Oh Juggers.

Later, at the reunion, things get crazy. Too crazy. I mean, in the span of a page, it starts, we meet Ethel who is super hot, and then the Bee asks Pam if she’s Jughead Jr’s mom and also the girls confront Archie about his feelings for them (in front of his fiancee) and Jughead tells them there’s not time to decide, because Pop’s is fighting a bulldozer.

In front of Pops there’s a big stand off. The kids all stand with Pops, and Robert and Pam are having none of it (Pam’s reaction: “Sit ins are out of style Archie! I demand you stop this right now!“). They leave together. This is when Veronica yells at her dad, and asks him to stop the madness, and its revealed that his driver has set a bomb up to destroy the shop (what?) When the gang fins out, Reggie slam dunks it to his own fitness store, which blows up, and then everyone becomes friends again, and decides to stay in Riverdale forever.

The end.

Whelp, that was fun! Maybe someday I will actually get to watch the movie? God I hope so. It has things like this in it too:

Yes.

Whelp, that’s it for tonight. Next week? Maybe some more X-Men? I don’t even know anymore. Until then!

Komitchiwham, Bitches!