Welcome, dear readers, to our regular letter column; a series of missives from and to the internet, delivered by a series of tubes. We welcome your comments and questions. About anything! We’ll answer it, and at least one of us will take you seriously. Maybe.
Seriously, ask us anything! It can be about comics. It can be about films. Maybe you’ve seen Boyhood already and want to talk about it! You could ask about pro wrestling, too. I hear people love it when we do that. Then again, I also just hear white noise when most of you talk anyway. You could even ask about why Brandon is leaving James to go traipse around in godforsaken New England, where the accents are wicked awful and the seafood is admittedly bountiful. Actually, maybe email Brandon and ask him to pick us all up some shellfish. Note: when guilting Brandon for going on vacation, maybe leave out the part where James just came back from vacation. You know why? BECAUSE HE BROUGHT BRANDON A GIFT, THAT’S WHY.
You’re welcome, Internet.
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Danica (@danicahere) asks: Brandon - What are you most excited about regarding our vacation? James - How quickly will the podcast turn into Fancy James Hour?
James: Listen, I have seriously considered editing Brandon’s responses here to be self-aggrandizing the very second I know you two have left. I’m not joking. The answer to your question is “the very second you leave.” If I wasn’t so busy slash lazy, I’d actually go back and CHANGE last week’s podcast episode to be all me. Again, not a joke. I have considered this.
I wonder how quickly I can get Dylan Todd to design a new site logo that’s all about me…
Brandon: ….
James: That’s right! Brandon wasn’t able to finish his parts before he went on vacation, and it was a while before I realized this thing never actually got posted! Well, since this works best as a double act, and my ego refuses to allow me to bring another person in, I guess it’s time for everyone’s favourite indentured automaton, the Brandonbot!
BRANDONBOT: BEEP HELP ME
James: That’s enough out of you.
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Ryan (@charminggrump [“charming”grump]) asks: Am I extra wrong, or just regular wrong when I’m not interested in Guardians of The Galaxy at all?
James: Uh… the latter? I mean, listen, as immediately confrontational as this question is, and as much as one of my favourite pastimes is telling you that you’re wrong, what it comes down to is that I’m not going to shame you for not wanting to see Guardians of the Galaxy at all. You should see what you want and like what you like, and apparently that’s American Dad and the rest of us are just going to have to deal with the fact that your taste is apparently all bizarro.
Ahem. I… kid?
But yeah, seriously, don’t see it if you don’t want to. Literally nobody will force you to see it. I’d be interested in knowing why you’re not interested in it at all, though, because “Star Wars if they were all charming jerks with attachment disorders” honestly sounds like it would be right up your alley. Personally, besides a few quibbles, I found the movie to be charming, funny and with a sense of brightness and whimsy that the action adventure genre often lacks. I’m someone who didn’t even read the Guardians of the Galaxy comic until the new series started a year ago, and even now, I can’t really say I care that much about the team or know that much about the characters. So when I say that I really enjoyed the movie, I want to make it clear that it’s entirely because of the movie and not because of anything to do with the comics. I think it’s a good movie, is all. And if you eventually watch it, hopefully you’ll like it! But in the meantime, uh, you’re just regular wrong? You didn’t really give me an option that wasn’t still calling you wrong.
I’m into it.
BRANDONBOT: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU AND YOUR BAD TASTE RYAN
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Scott (@scottowilliams) asks: Who should be in the inevitable remake of Teen Angel?
James: For those who aren’t down with the mid-to-late-90s TGIF lineup on ABC, Teen Angel was a television show where one teen accidentally kills his best friend by daring him to eat a six month-old hamburger from under his bed, and then his friend comes back as his angel and wacky hijinks ensue. Unfortunately, it turns out that the kind of dummy (played by Mike Damus!) that would eat a half-year-old hamburger isn’t really good guardian angel material, so… hijinks really ensued! It also starred Maureen McCormick (TV’s Marcia Brady and all-around sweetheart!) as Dummy #2’s mom. It was created by Simpsons producers Al Jean and Mike Reiss. My love for it is almost inappropriately undying.
Surprising no one, I have actually thought about this very question before. Of course, by “thought about it” I mean “imagined self-insertion fanfic where Chris Pratt plays the role of Marty DePolo/Dummy #1, the titular angel, and I play Steve Beauchamp, his awkward best friend. And sure, this is a completely brazen attempt to just hang out with Chris Pratt, whom I have followed since his early days on Everwood, and thus whom I love more than you do, so suck it. However, it also then manages to be my favourite genre: teen feelings except played by actors who aren’t teens [Ed. Note: Fun Fact! Both Mike Damus and Corbin Allred were 17 and 18, respectively, when the series first aired]. Throw in Judy Greer as my TV mom and this is basically my exact fanfic. Maybe the role of Aunt Pam (originated by Conchata Ferrell) is played by Lindsay Sloane! Maybe ABC calls me right this goddamn instant.
You may notice Brandon is not mentioned at all in this.
BRANDONBOT: BRANDON AND JAMES UNITED IN LIFE AND UNITED IN DEATH
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Scott continues: What is the best line from Guardians of the Galaxy?
James: “I’m distracting you, you big turd blossom!”
Admittedly, this only further problematizes former US President George W. Bush’s notion that he meant it as a good thing when he called Karl Rove it.
BRANDONBOT: THE OFFENSIVE ONE BEEP
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Scott goes on: What obscure Marvel property would you like to see adapted ne-
James: Patsy Walker, Hellcat.
I don’t need to let you finish to know that my answer is Patsy Walker, Hellcat. She is literally my second-favourite Marvel comics character (1st place: Spider-Man, obviously), and I will take any chance I get to talk about her. I think it took me about 5 seconds after my MONEYBALLA$ cohost Cody asked for Marvel Comics Unlimited recommendations before I texted back “PATSY WALKER, HELLCAT.” I take this very, very seriously.
BRANDONBOT: BEEP BOOP BRANDONBOT NEEDS THE REST OF THE QUESTION TO ANSWER. BRANDONBOT CANNOT PARSE LANGUAGE
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Scott wraps up: If you have a Grape/Cream Soda/Orange/Root Beer pack, which gets finished first?
James: Grape, definitely. Not only is Grape Crush one my all-time favourite types of pop, but have you actually had it before? It’s only good for like 15 minutes after you open it. You’ve got to drink that stuff fast, whereas everything else there has more of a forgiving lifespan. Hell, you can leave Orange Crush out and it basically just turns into McDonald’s Orange Drink™ anyway. It might actually be the only pop ever that’s actually best when it’s flat.
BRANDONBOT: WHICHEVER COMBINATION BEST DESTROYS BRANDONBOT’S CIRCUITS AND ALLOWS HIM THE SWEET RELIEF OF OBLIVION
James: Shut it, gothy.
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Laury (@OTOC_Laury) asks: Expendables 3, who’s missing from the cast?
James: Sigourney Weaver and Linda Hamilton. I mean, for reals, you’re making a movie all about legendary action stars and you don’t throw in two most badass action stars from the 80s? FOR SHAME. I mean, Kellan Lutz is what, fourteen, and he got in this franchise before FRIGGIN’ RIPLEY?
Take this based world now, God.
BRANDONBOT: PEOPLE BUYING TICKETS
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Josh (@joshyeg) asks: why are you a monster
James: Brandon, he’s talking to you.
BRANDONBOT: JAMES BUILT ME THIS WAY
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That’s it for the one hundred and fiftieth instalment of Um, Actually. Check in every Monday and Thursday for a brand new column. If you have anything you’d like answered, hit up our contact page! If you submit anything via Twitter – to @blogaboutcomics, @Leask, or @soupytoasterson – remember to include the hashtag #UMACTUALLY so that we don’t lose it. Remember: you can ask us anything. Seriously, anything.
