Lock up yer mothers, and hiiiiiiiiiide your brothers, because it’s time! For another round offvvvv DRUNK! COMIC! Reeeeeecaaaaaaaappppsss!!!

Man. Okay, so hey, it’s been a while since the last one of these (I been working, you turds! Legit stuff! Shut up!) so let’s review the review. The… the rules. Let’s review the RULES, like many much BOSSES. Before I read some comics, I am to get well and truely SAUWACED and then I will read them and write about what I read. In the morning when I wake up and every time I put on my make up I will not be allowed to change anything that I wrote the night before! BUT! I will be able to add tags and pictures and junk to make it look prettier. And so it can be searched all proper and shit.

This week - we RETURN to the ONGOING SAGA that is Chuck Austen’s Uncanny X-Men! Oh man, it’s been too long, Chuck. Please. Please. I need you to come back to comics. You bring me just too much joy. TOO MUCH.

So okay, are we done with the boring part? Yeah? Let’s get to some good shit!

Uncanny X-Men #428: Sexy boning

We begin! Oddly, with the recap page, which is strange. Or is it? Do I usually go through the recap page? I CAN’T TELL ANYMORE! Anyway, this time the recap page talks a lot about Mystique which is weird because that bitch? Has not been in the pages of Chuck Austen’s Uncanny X-Men.

So, the story opens in Germany in a castle twenty years ago. A dude compliments this girl named… Katsche for being dynamite in the sack. He wonders why she’s suddenly let him doink her, and she’s all “don’t ask questions” and they make plans to bang later in the day. He tells her that she better be ready to work tired tomorrow and she replies that he better be ready to work hard tonight, which is a metaphor, I’m assuming, for penis talents. Anyway, he is happy, and she walks away and starts laughing and then oh snap you ralize that she isn’t that one girl at all she’s Mystique, and she’s just played a vagina trick on that one guy. Tricky vaginas.

Anyway, Mystique is laughing and in her natural form when the real Katsche sees her and freaks outa little. Mystique then turns into malady Wagner and then talks to the maid and asks if she’ll be in her room tonight. The maid says that she will be and Mystique smiles, because she is happy that she set up a rape trap? Anyway, she ends up talkig with this one dude, who is her husband? And he says that she isn’t barren, which means that he must not be able to empregnate her with his penis. She calms him and says that she loves him and then later listens to her rape trap go off in the next room, and she laughs and laughs and laughs because she is a terrible person.

Later, at a party, her husband introduces her to a dud named Azazel. Which doesn’t sound Satan-y at all. After their introduction, they go horseback riding and Azazel tells her that she will never have kids and that the Baron (her husband) is the past and she is the future. He tells her that she is intrigueing and has a power a beauty never seen before… “such is you mystique” he finally says, which is a thing.

A little while after this, she runs to Azazel and says that she wants to bang him, and he says they should do it right where they are, which is in a church. He tells her to get naked, right down to the blue skin, and she does and they have sex on the floor of a church. After this, while on a cliff, professing her love, Azazel teleports in. Mystique lets him know that she’s pregnant and he’s all “neat” and she professes her love to Azazel. Azazel counters by being a dick and saying that he just banged her to get her pregnant and she is sad. Then, when she is confessing this to her husband, he gets worried that the baby isn’t his, so she murders him. Then she has the kid, but it comes out blue (Nightcrawler!) and because of the stress she turns blue, and then she has to run because they are chasing her because she is different. Which ends this issue!

Next time… the start of THE DRACO, which is supposed to be Chuck’s best. Or at least, the most Austeny thing that ever Austened. I look forward to it!!!!!!