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Um, Actually // THERE CAME A DAY WHEN THE OLD GODS ANSWERED READER QUESTIONS

Still not as good as Jingle All The WayWelcome, dear readers, to our regular letter column; a series of missives from and to the internet, delivered by a series of tubes. We welcome your comments and questions. About anything! We’ll answer it, and at least one of us will take you seriously. Maybe.

Your questions can be about comics. We’re a comics site, we love comics, we have opinions about them. If you ask us about, say, our conflicted opinions about the work of Frank Miller, we could probably answer those! But we like other things, too! TV! Movies! Music! Insulting Brandon! When given the opportunity, we’re more than happy to old court over any topic you want to ask us about! Maybe we have some hard-hitting stances on animal husbandry (both the agricultural definition and Brandon’s personal one). You’ll never know unless you ask!

You’re welcome, internet.

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Jay (@jayrunham) asks: How far will the Raptors get in the playoffs?

James: Readers with excellent memories will remember that at the beginning of the 2013-14 NBA season, Jay asked us to predict how many wins the Toronto Raptors would get. And, looking back, you can clearly see that, with the Raptors currently sitting at 46 wins and four games remaining in the season, my guess of 39 wins won. Even my initial thought of 43, which I hedged to go by strict Price is Right rules, would have made me the winner.

Clearly, this makes me the best person to predict how far the Raptors will go in the playoffs. And my prediction is: eliminated in the second round.

I’m absolutely ready to be surprised, because the team that’s existed since the December 8th Rudy Gay trade has surprised me on numerous occasions, including overcoming some really bad deficits to pull off surprise victories. They recently took the Oklahoma City Thunder, one of the best teams in the game, to the limit, and only lost because league MVP shoe-in Kevin Durant pulled off 51 points, including the winning three-pointer after recovering a steal. They’re good, and I think it’s their skill and refusal to throw in the towel in games that will help them beat either the Wizards or the Nets, whomever they face. Since December 8th, they have winning records against both teams, and while they might not have the playoff experience of either team (itself something I think is overrated by analysts), they have good team chemistry and a lot of skill, despite their lack of all-stars.

That said, the reason they often have to come back from large deficits is because they end up in them, and the reason they end up in them is because they have a bad habit of taking naps when they should be playing the second and third quarters. They can be sloppy; Terrence Ross rushes too many three-pointers. Amir Johnson takes a lot of fouls early and often has to sit out most of the second and third quarters. Jonas Valanciunas, like Johnson, can be a bit undisciplined and while he starts hot, the team will frequently stop feeding the ball to him in the paint in the middle of the game. Their free throw game, while usually strong, will sometimes take the night off and leave free points on the court. The fourth quarter Toronto Raptors are, by the numbers, the best team in the league, and those numbers are for the whole season, including the pre-Dec. 8th Raptors that are dead and gone, but through the first three? Middling. You can’t have such a giant hole in your game and expect to beat the Heat or the Pacers, the two most likely teams the Raptors would face in the second round. I hope they can step it up and start playing four quarters of strong basketball, but for the time being, I have to give Round 2 to the Heat or the Pacers.

Brandon: I’m going with first round elimination, because I am the destroyer of joy. LOOK UPON MY FACE AND DESPAIR.

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Jay continues: Which group of Ultimate Marvel heroes would lend themselves best to Scooby Doo-style hijinks?

James: First off, they’re basically gonna have to be teens. That’s just how Mystery Incorporated works. Adult heroes need not apply, especially since a big theme of Scooby Doo can be telling adults to go stuff it. So basically: teens.

With that out of the way, the easy answer is basically the All-New Ultimates (whose first issue is out this week!). They’re teens. They’re investigating crimes. They don’t really trust adults. Sounds perfect to me! I mean, you could maybe throw Johnny Storm or Firestar in there too, but why mess with the established team? It’s all right there. You’ve even got Ganke as Scrappy Doo.

Brandon: Yyyyeeeeeeah, the All-New Ultimates would be the team to do it. I’d also accept that group from when Pete was still alive, and he had Iceman and Johnny Storm living at his house with Gwen Stacy and maybe Kitty Pryde? I’d have to go back and re-read.

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Jay wraps up: If you had to pick a fight with any DC hero, who would you pick?

James: Nobody! They’re heroes. Why would I pick a fight with the good guys? More than that, they are all super ripped people with either superpowers or skills and technology to put them on par with those with superpowers. Picking a fight would basically be a death warrant, especially in the current grittier New 52 DC Universe. I want to live, Jay.

Brandon: Me fighting a DC superhero? Superman. If only beause I know he’ll be gentle. Although because this is the New 52, I really might be taking my life into my own hands here…

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Josh (@joshyeg) asks: I haven’t seen Amazing Spider-Man. Should I? The sequel looks amazing.

James: As we told Jay back in December, you should. It’s a different aesthetic than the Raimi movies (which may or not be a good thing to you), but despite the Modern Teen Mood Lighting, the movie really nails Peter Parker as a character in his portrayal.

Brandon: Yup! Yes. Amazing Peter Parker, and fantastic plot. It’s my favourite Spider-Man movie, and you know how I (and James) feel about Spider-Man 3.

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Josh continues: Is Josie and the Pussycats the best or the greatest?

James: Clearly, its both. And I’m not joking, either. It’s legitimately one of my favourite movies, and my ongoing pick for best comic book movie ever. It nails the look and feel of the Archie universe, but also adds some really canny commentary on consumerism and one of the all-time best soundtracks. It’s smart, funny and well-made: exactly what I want in a movie.

Brandon: YES.

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Scott (@scottowilliams) asks: Why is Brandon so obsessed with “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down”? Does he have Confederate sympathies?

James: Good question, Scott. Very good question. Now, Brandon “claims” that he only discovered The Band this last weekend, but even accepting that it’s true, why the fixation on that song and not anything else from that album, like “Up on Cripple Creek,” or even something from Music From Big Pink, like GOAT contender “The Weight”? Your guess is as good as mine. But I will say this: the reason he took so long to hear about The Band, being from Central Alberta, might be the reason he gravitates towards a south about the death of the Confederacy.

The answer is racism, is what I’m saying.

Brandon: That could very well be true. I mean, I am from Central Alberta, so there’s that. Oh, and also, I came in roughly… halfway through The Last Waltz? And “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down” was playing when I walked in. I missed most of their other songs. But hey, this song, and this version has brass like you wouldn’t believe. I mean, the tuba actually drives a significant portion of that song! It’s amazing! Also, trombone! That you can hear! That breathes along with the song, and doesn’t sink into the background or exist for a weird interstitial or whatever. So good. SO GOOD.

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Scott continues: Did there come a time when the old gods died, or was that my imagination?

James: February 3, 1959.

Brandon: Scott, be careful where and how you worship. You might get prAIDS.

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That’s it for the one hundred and thirty-sixth instalment of Um, Actually. Check in every Monday and Thursday for a brand new column. If you have anything you’d like answered, hit up our contact page! If you submit anything via Twitter – to @blogaboutcomics, @Leask, or @soupytoasterson – remember to include the hashtag #UMACTUALLY so that we don’t lose it. Remember: you can ask us anything. Seriously, anything.

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