God damn, my penis needs to pee. I should probably do something about that with my penis.

Hey buds and lady buds! You are all in for a super treat, beacause it is TIME. For the RETURN! Of DRUNK! COMIC!!! RECAPSSSS!!!!!

This week! We continue to explore the, uh… the Chuck Austen run of Uncanny X-Men! Okay, so according to the recap page, previously, we found out that Polaris was the daughter of Magento (just cuz they both have magnet powers? RACIST) Also, Sammy the Squidboy (who looks like a fish) is being smacked around by his dad and the Juggernaut is coming to save him? And then also, Nightcrawler got over taken by Azazel (who is one of the many Marvel Satans {bah! I almost typed “Stans”. One of the many Marvel Stans!}) or something, and snuck them all into hell? Also, Mystique is there. I might be drunk but I’m 99% sure that’s an accurate depiction of the storyline. It’s pretty random.

Uncanny X-Men #432: One hell of a time!

We open with a scene of the X-Men fighting! Apparently Nightcrawler is naked, and one of the bad guys is holding a knife to his penis. While this is happening Azazel isn’t happy. So he tells them all to stop, and they do, because he hits them with electricity or some shit. It’s a two page spread with crackles. He is apparently sad because when the X-Men came into hell, they fucked up his hell-to-earth portal thing and how he can’t get up to earth. Azazel says that they should only keep some of them and kill the rest and apparently the bad guys start doing that.

Meanwhile, in Canada (that’s where Sammy the Squidboy who is really a fish boy lives!), Sammy’s parents are having a conversation. It goes EXACTLY LIKE THIS:

“You can’t keep hitting him like that. He’s just a little boy.”

“I can do anything I want. He’s my son.”

“Oh so now he’s your son, eh? [CANADA, MOTHERFUCKERS] Now he’s your son when you want to beat on him.”

“My name’s on the birth certificate. Get the door.”

“I never cheated on you. NEVER! But maybe I should have.”

COMEDY!

Anyway, the Juggernaut arrives at the door, and the family freaks out, because HOLY FUCK IT’S THE JUGGERNAUT! Then they press a secret Canada button (no really) because the Juggernaut is at their door. This is when Sammy shows up, and Northstar curses in French because Sammy’s face is all beat up to shit. Of course, the Juggernaut doesn’t take this very well, and he threatens to kill Sammy’s dad (who says the kid fell).

Meanwhile, back in hell, Azazel has gathered a few of the X-Men, and is very disappointed in them for screwing up his awesome plans for STUFF. He asks who their leader is, and the X-Men reply with a FUCK YOU WHO THE HELL ARE YOU, to which he says “Who ‘the hell’ am I?” (Because he’s Satan).

Which is when he drops this mother fuckin’ bon mot (that’s the right context, yeah? Probably not. SHUT UP):

“I am Kurt’s father.”

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Wolverine says the guy is bullshitting, but Mystique is all, “Nope. That dude totally stuck it in me. That’s why he looks like Satan and is also blue.” They all chat for a bit and accomplish not much, and then we flash over to the Juggernaut thing, where Alpha Flight arrives, and Juggers is all “fuck yeah, I’m gonna punch some Canadians” and the issue ends.

Hey hey, I’m still vaguely sober-ish! Let’s rock another issue!!!!

Uncanny X-Men #433: Urine luck!

This issue opens with Annie (the girl what’s banging Havok) and Polaris (the girl what used to bang Havok) having a little mean spirited chat about shit, or something. Then someone comes in and tells Annie that he kid is missing (he sneaked away with Havok and is now in Hell with the X-Men) and she loses it.

Meanwhile, in hell, Paige, Jubilee, Hacok and Carter (Annie’s son) are all locked away with Iceman’s head. Carter starts telling Havok what Iceman is thinking (because he’s psychic) and apparently, he’s mad at Havok for banging the girls he had a crush on. He’s just a head, and this is what he’s most worried about. Havok gets mad and says he would love to discuss this “man to Iceman” and then says THESE EXACT WORDS:

“I had an awful lot of water to drink right before we got off the X-Plane and I’m certain I could produce a body’s worth.”

Of. Fucking. URINE. To bring Bobby back to life.

Right after that, there’s a quick bit where Northstar tells Sammy to protect his mom. It’s quick. I’m not going to talk about it, except I did a little. Then, it’s backto hell, where everyone chats about some shit some more. Really, there’s a lot of words about stuff. Kurt says something about how Satan is really an Biblical mutant, and Azazel is all “yup, totes true bro”.

This is when some more things happen, (seriously, it all turns into a stream of bull) and then time and space get all wibbly, and Lorna bridges a gap between hell and earth, and brings everyone to earth. Seriously, that happens for some reason they attempt to explain. I might be drunk but WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING.

And then the story ends.

Next time! The conclusion of this story arc! Probably. Until then!

Komitchiwham, bitches!!!