Episode 1: Highlandin’

Hello Internet,

Today, in a very special premiere episode of There Are No Guilty Pleasures, I’ve got a one time only contrition edition for you. You see, I love the TV show Community, but it wasn’t always like that. In fact, up until a few months ago, I criticized the show pretty frequently. Then a switch flipped around the time Alison Brie started compulsively chloroforming people, and I fell in love with Dan Harmon’s bizarre 22-minute world. So here I am, feeling pretty silly, and the only way I know how to be contrite about it is to make a bold internet gesture.

Here it is: to make up for smack talking something that turned out to be great, I’m going to willingly overdose on something I love: Highlander. Like I frequently say, I don’t believe anybody should feel guilty about loving something, only for disliking things unreasonably. That’s the entire point of There Are No Guilty Pleasures. But nobody loves Highlander enough to survive all six movies; I doubt the world kept counting after the third one. Except me, that is, and I’ll gladly go insane just to prove a point. After all, it’s not like I feel any shame about loving some of the most awesomely terrible movies ever made. Thanks, All Star Batman and Robin.

So read on, friends. It’s a travelogue into my own personal pop culture subconscious. See you when the reboot comes out.

——

Legend:
H1 - Highlander (1986)
H2 - Highlander 2: The Quickening (1991)
H3 - Highlander 3: The Final Dimension/The Sorcerer (1994)
H4 - Highlander: Endgame (2000)
H5 - Highlander: The Source (2007)
H6 - Highlander: The Search for Vengeance (2007)

——

H1.00.00 – It is a dark time. Radiohead is still just a Talking Heads song. Alec Baldwin is skinny. Nobody’s even heard of the Kardashians, let alone given them a show so we can keep up with them. However, one man can save things. One man can make the 80s worthwhile. There can only be one. He is… Russell Mulcahy.

Wait, is that right? The Buggles video guy? Let me double check the package.

H1.00.01 – Here we are, booooorn to be kingsss, we’re the princes of the un-eee-versssah!

H1.00.05 – Why is there pro wrestling? I think I got the wrong movie. No. Wait. That’s Christopher Lambert. But why does pro wrestling give him acid flashbacks to the sixteenth century? I think this movie is an allegory for Vietnam.

H1.00.11 Or maybe it’s a metaphor for sex. Lambert’s groans during the Quickening are pretty… hot. Plus, if someone doesn’t die during sex, you’re doing it wrong. And who hasn’t had to hide a sword after coitus?

H1.00.17 – And now there are handcuffs! And a lot of sexy cops! See? It is about sex!

H1.00.22 – You know you might not be the most talented actor when they have to work your accent into your movies as a plot point. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, just that maybe I should have seen Druids coming.

H1.00.35 – Connor is a member of an inhuman race who live forever by murdering each other. Maybe he’s a witch after all, you know? I’m not saying what the MacLeods did was right, but he did come back from the dead. That’s kind of witch-y. It’s not like all he did was be good at math in New England.

H1.00.39 – And now Gay Sean Connery shows up! It took enough time. I don’t watch these movies for Lambert, you know. I mean, Sean’s wearing a peacock feather cloak and a jaunty hat. Who wouldn’t hit that? I don’t care if it is another acid flashback.

Also: I fear the Highlander Madness may be setting in. Connery plays an Egyptian with a Spanish name who speaks with a Scottish accent, yet makes fun of the Scots. I think my brain is melting. Tell Brandon I love her.

H1.00.53 – Gay Sean Connery advocates leaving women behind so you can grunt alongside athletic sweaty men for all eternity. And they said the 80s were homophobic.

H1.01.01 – Wait, there’s a World War II scene? I don’t remember this, and I’ve seen this movie more than anybody ever should. Is this the director’s cut? I think I’d remember Connor MacLeod fighting Nazis and telling a little girl it was magic. Either this is a new cut or I died and this is my very depressing idea of Heaven.

H1.01.19 – Why is there a guy driving around New York with assault weapons, looking to kill bad guys? Was this actually a Punisher movie? In my mind, it will be now. Forever.

H1.01.32 – The Kurgan: Ruining Neil Young lyrics 8 years before Kurt Cobain.

H1.01.45 – And now they’re destroying film industry landmark, Silvercup Studios. Listen, I didn’t like Private Parts either, but that’s just overreacting.

H1.01.48 – “Heheh, what kept you?” Suddenly, these two hours have been worth it.

——

H2.00.00 – It’s 1991. The world has forgotten Mr. Mister and is ready to love again. Huey Lewis and the News’ domination of the charts is almost at an end. Bob Saget is charming people who have never, ever seen his standup material. And apparently, after Connor MacLeod became telepathic and decided to help the world after winning the Prize, the world has gone to goddamn hell.

H2.00.03 – With this operatic beginning, the Highlander franchise is officially as classy as it will ever be. I don’t expect it to last.

H2.00.08 – More acid flashbacks? Oh come on, Mulcahy. Now you’re just milking it. This all feels different, though. Where are the aliens? Where’s Zeist? I have a bad feeling about this.

H2.00.10 – THEY’RE NOT ALIENS ANYMORE? They’re just immortals from a secret past society of assholes who were sent into the future as punishment for being a different kind of asshole? This isn’t the awful movie from my childhood! It’s worse! And not in the wonderful Highlander: The Series way.

H2.00.20 I won’t say this often, but John C. McGinley, you can do better.

H2.00.33 – Yes, asking for a light is clearly an invitation to be blown up. I’m beginning to think the crazy jetpack birdman isn’t on the side of good after all. Or maybe it’s a stop-smoking PSA. Ramirez didn’t smoke and now he’s reincarnated on-stage during a production of Hamlet.

H2.00.39 – For a witch who can read minds and goes around murdering other witches for hundreds of years, MacLeod sure gets a lot of women.

H2.01.05 – Now Connor is fingering General Katana’s hair gently as they exchange smouldering stares. The Immortals may have been turned into aliens and then back again, but some things never change.

H2.01.20 – I don’t remember any of the movie at this point. I think I repressed it all, because it touched me in the swimsuit areas of my mind. I feel like I’m reliving a traumatic period of abuse. Pray for me, Internet. I have 8 more hours of this.

H2.01.23 – Nobody should ever have to hear Sean Connery say, “Hit it, dude!” But watching him get shot repeatedly afterward kind of made up for it.

H2.01.30 – Now Gay Sean Connery is actually doing magic spells! See? This is why you were burnt as witches, guys.

H2.01.44 – The villains vanquished, Virginia Madsen now sees the stars for the first time in her life. Obviously, they weren’t counting Michael Ironsides. So the moral of the story is that we need to take care of the environment, but if we leave it alone it’ll get better all by itself? I’m confused and they’re not even aliens anymore.

This new cut was Russell Mulcahy’s effort to tell “his” story after whatever he felt ruined the theatrical cut – he walked out 15 minutes into its premiere – but I have to say something to the director:

Russell, I’ve loved Highlander all my life. I don’t like it because it’s technically good. I like it because it’s inconsistently plotted, frequently contradictory & gloriously hilarious. You don’t need a new “Renegade Version” to save your legacy. We love you anyway, completely unironically and without reservation. Bring Zeist back. It was your masterpiece. This Highlander buddy cop film isn’t the same without it.

——

H3.00.00 – The year is 1994. Kurt Cobain has finally realized the meaning of the Kurgan’s words that it’s best to burn out and followed him into oblivion with the help of Christopher Lambert, the real killer. Meanwhile, apparently nobody except me liked Highlander 2, so they make Highlander 3 in an attempt to salvage the franchise from the depths of awesomeness by pretending the first sequel didn’t exist. In the present day, I’ve apparently developed some sort of Stockholm Syndrome. Send pizza.

H3.00.05 – It’s time to sit down to a nice, refreshing bowl of Fruity Van Peebles. Fun fact: “Heart, Soul & Steel,” a line said by Connor’s Japanese mentor, is the name I used to dance under with Adrian Paul and Stan Kirsch.

H3.00.15 – My pizza is ready! They said “Three Meat” but I can only count two. This is the worst thing to happen since, well, actually, this is an ironic time to say that.

H3.00.28 – “Scotland? That’s a long way from Japan!” Listen, Dr. Takamura. I know you want to sleep with <Connor MacLeod Love Interest Number 6>, but this probably isn’t the best way to show her you’re smart.

H3.00.31 – If you don’t want the mentally ill to act like animals, you probably shouldn’t lock them in rod iron zoo cages. That’s… just a thought.

H3.00.42 – I really don’t think this movie needed Mario Van Peeble’s nipple rings.

H3.01.15 – For its many, incredibly fun imperfections, one thing that Highlander 3 genuinely has going for it is the fantastic cinematography of the Scottish landscape. It really is great. And for what they’re selling the DVDs for, I’m not sure there’s a cheaper way to see those kind of shots-oh great while I was talking about the goddamn lochs I missed some surprisingly graphic sex.

H3.01.25 – Sexually sadistic villain with a penchant for punk leathers? A kidnapping and violent joyride? Unlikely love with a beautiful, headstrong expert on artifacts? Climactic battle in a warehouse? I can’t help but think I’ve seen all this just a few hours ago. Whatever. You know I love it. Plus, this has “Dr. Feelgood.”

——

H4.00.00 – The Year 2000. The world hasn’t ended, and I guess everybody over at Dimension Films says, “You know what? Fuck it. Highlander 4, everybody!” I’m not complaining.

H4.00.03 – Two Highlanders at once! This is like Buddy Cop Christmas all over again! Dear Penthouse Forum…

H4.00.16 – Connor’s mum just got burned for being a witch, and let’s face it: he is a witch who killed a priest who was his best friend’s dad, and she just told everybody and their god to go screw themselves. You can see how these stories get started.

H4.00.20 – There have been four explosions and it’s only twenty minutes in. Now do you see why I love these movies? Never mind that they simultaneously negated each of the other movies in the exact same breath. This is a franchise where cutting someone’s head off with a sword makes things blow up. That’s more than enough for me, and I haven’t even brought up the TV series whose separate continuity this movie takes place in.

H4.00.38 “I call this decap with a twist. No sugar.” Words to live by, I guess.

H4.00.53 With lines like “What’s wrong? Don’t you want to be inside me?” this franchise gets creepier and sexier by the minute.

H4.01.08 – Connor “Not a witch” MacLeod has now successfully talked his brother into murdering his wife to make her immortal, the franchise equivalent of advocating rape. Kell, the movie’s “villain,” is avenging his father’s death. Now I understand why Connor’s been complaining about all his guilt for an hour. Oh god, I’ve developed Stockholm Syndrome within my Stockholm Syndrome.

H4.01.16 – Now Connor’s trying to get Duncan to kill him! What’s this guy’s deal? Hasn’t he ever thought of sending a muffin basket to apologize? And why are these three guys always talking about being inside each other? Did I miss something? Something sexy? Wait, now it’s over and I’ve gone from six to deeply confused.

——

H5.00.00 – Dear Internet,

I’m heading off the map. Even I, a lifelong fan of the Highlander series, have never ventured this far away from the original, to the Land of the Direct-to-DVD. I don’t know what to expect, and I’m scared. And tired; I’ve been at this for 9 hours, with 3 left to go. I love you all, but here be monsters.

H5.00.17 – Ah, the kind of cheap effects that only comes with made-for-TV sci-fi movies. How I’ve missed you. I think I’ve got my bearings. Ancient evil. Jaded hero. Frankly bizarre one-liners and hilarity that’s both accidental and deliberate. I could make a home here. I could be happy.

H5.00.32 – A crazy man sings a Queen song from the original movie to a character who is confused as the series laps itself. I couldn’t he happier if Lambert himself sang it.

H5.00.53 – Wait.. a reference to Duncan’s loves from Highlander: Endgame and the TV series? If they’re going to insist upon continuity, I’m beginning to understand why it didn’t get a theatrical release like the other movies. We’re Highlander fans! We expect glaring inconsistencies, not thoughtful threads of plotting. Somebody call Russell Mulcahy. He’ll know what to do.

H5.01.11 – Methos is on a horse! I have absolutely no idea why. Finally, something truly worthy of Highlander.

H5.01.19 – Duncan spins the villain into the ground like a drill, as his opponent begs him to “Do it, you immortal fuck!” Then a montage explains that Duncan wins because he wins. See? Now, was that so hard? If things make perfect sense, it’s only a Highlander cover band. Woo!

——

H6.00.00 – It’s so dark out here. Highlander is an anime now, Highlander: The Search for Vengeance. I have no idea what’s going on. It’s… so cold. I miss you.

H6.00.07 – Apparently, sassy ghosts are the new Gay Sean Connery. That’s what you get when you retire, Sean.

H6.00.10 – There’s a preteen pimp and a hooker with a heart of gold. Why do half the Highlander movies have hookers? It can’t just be a coincidence. I doubt we’ll ever know for sure.

H6.??.?? – I’ll be honest, I think I stroked out after a scary black monster rode a giant chainsaw around a dystopic wasteland. But from deep within my fugue, I could tell this movie had it all: bizarre plot occurrences. Violence for violence’s sake. The most compelling relationship being the man-on-man one. It was Highlander, for better and for worse. Which is to say it was awful in absolutely the best way possible.

——

Dear Internet,

I made it. Six Highlander movies. Twelve hours. Four villains whose name started with the letter “K.” Only two strokes. It cost me my sanity, but I can finally say that I have taken my lashes. I was wrong to disparage Community, but I’ve come out of this with new clarity. I can see the truth behind all things, and it is this:

When they say “There can only be one,” they’re goddamn lying.

——