Welcome, dear readers, to our regular letter column; a series of missives from and to the internet, delivered by a series of tubes. We welcome your comments and questions. About anything! We’ll answer it, and at least one of us will take you seriously. Maybe.
You can ask questions about comics. You can ask questions about things that aren’t comics. You can ask questions about dongs, I guess. Like the different shapes they come in, or something. Does anyone read this part? I guess we’ll find out.
Thank you, internet.
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Danica LeBlanc (@DanicaHere) asks: What is your favourite Disney movie song?
Brandon: Hmmmm… whelp, I’m going to have to go with my gut on this one, and say it’s “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King” from The Lion King. Odd choice, I know, especially considering the bevy of great choices out there, but this was something that I grew up on. I’m fairly certain that this had come out either before or after I was in grade three, but regardless, I have vivid memories of walking to my parent’s place of work with a bunch of my friends every day after school, singing this song, and a few others from the Lion King - which we had completely memorized. Except for the song Scar sings that one time.
And hey, any movie that manages drop Shakespeare on a kid (the movie is basically Hamlet with giant cats) without breaking a sweat is something else, in my book.
James: Normally, Brandon and I are in relative agreement about this kind of thing, I have to say that I cannot in good conscience get behind his selection. An “odd choice”? Definitely! But because it’s “considering the bevy of great choices out there”? Hardly. It’s a song that is literally about a child being extremely excited to inherit an unaccountable absolute monarchy. And worse than that, Simba’s lyrics themselves show how utterly unfit he is to rule:
No one saying do this
No one saying be there
No one saying stop that
No one saying see here
Free to run around all day
Free to do it all my way!
Simba and Nala then proceed to sing:
Everybody look left
Everybody look right
That’s right: the future king of the Savannah and its future queen are frivolously commanding their subjects to run around, exhausting themselves for the petty pleasure of an autocrat gone mad. And it’s worse! They’re specifically doing it so that the subjects run over an innocent civil servant, Zazu. In fact, that’s about half the song: a king mocking and initiating capital punishment on someone he holds power over, for the simple crime of doing his job at the request of the king. How heinous are Simba and Nala’s actions? Enough that Zazu contemplates abandoning his post:
If this is where the monarchy is headed
Count me out
Out of service, out of Africa
I wouldn’t hang about
This child is getting wildly out of wing
Simba: such an awful, spoiled wretch that he is actually driving someone who loves his family, and whose entire life is public service, to consider leaving behind everything he knows. The future under King Simba is looking bleak at this point, folks. Has Zazu considered an uprising to form a republic? Is there some kind of Savannah Magna Carta that the citizens can present the monarchy with to limit their (abuses of) power? For the sake of this fictional world, I hope so.
Luckily, every other song in the movie is spectacular and wonderful. Like “Can You Feel The Love Tonight?”, arguably the best song Elton John has ever written. This is not an exaggeration:
In fact, I am a complete sucker for basically every 1990s Disney song that was done by a major (for certain definitions) pop star of the time. Like “Strangers Like Me,” by Phil Collins, from Tarzan:
Or Michael Bolton’s “Go the Distance”, from Hercules:
All of these are songs about big, bold emotions, like fear, love, excitement or hope. You know what they’re not about? The abuse of citizens by the Joffrey Baratheon of Disney animated features.
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Danica LeBlanc (@DanicaHere) continues: What is your favourite Disney movie and why?
Brandon: That would be Beauty and the Beast. That movie is storytelling dynamite, using the kid logic of “the monster is the bad guy and the dude is the hero” and morphing it slowly into “the monster is the bad guy and the girl is the hero”. Amazing.
James: When I was 11, I made my babysitter watch The Lion King with me every single day after school. I watched it so much with Candace that my parents actually got mad at me because it was excessive to the point of torture. I still consider this a good choice. I regularly consider (and then forget) buying it on Blu-Ray so I can do the same thing all over again. Despite my hatred of child Simba (see the previous question), I still love this movie passionately.
I could also basically pick any Disney/Pixar movie, but I decided to keep it to Disney Animation ones.
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Scott C. Bourgious (@scottybomb) asks: Who is your favourite Disney princess and why?
Brandon: Belle, 100%. A woman fascinated with reading and very kind hearted. She also doesn’t put up with anyone’s crap. This was before I found a woman who loves reading, is kind hearted, and doesn’t put up with anyone’s crap. What I’m saying, you guys, is I’m the Beast. I assume James is Gaston, and he will be pushed off of our rooftop after trying to kill me? This might not be a perfect metaphor, but whatever.
James: Rapunzel, from Tangled. I love her wonder for the world and how excited she is, but unlike other Disney Princesses with that trait, she’s a much more active participant in her own story. I’m looking at you, Ariel.
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Scott Williams (@scottowilliams) asks: If you could play matchmaker for two characters in comics, who would it be?
Brandon: Iron Man and Captain America. No joke, have you seen those two? Adorable. And could you imagine their cute little adopted babies? This would be amazing.
James: Patsy Walker, Hellcat and whoever she damn wants. Nobody tells Patsy what to do or who to date, but if she liked a certain fella or lady I would do my best to make those kids happy.
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Scott Williams (@scottowilliams) asks: Which comics couple would do the best on the Newlywed Game?
Brandon: I want to say Reed Richards and Sue Storm, but the more likely answer is Ben Grimm and Johnny Storm. Reed and Sue love each other, but Reed isn’t the sharing type. I feel as though Ben and Johnny know each other a lot more, because they are both sharing people, and know what pushes each other’s buttons.
James: Charles Xavier and whoever he’s tricked him into dating at the time (Lilandra, let’s just say). He’s the world’s most powerful telepath and has a track record of not really giving a fuck about the ethics of using his abilities. He’d cheat and nobody would want to call him on it because he’s crippled.
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Scott Williams (@scottowilliams) ponders: What’s a good name for a boat?
Brandon: My favourite joke name of all time still has to be “The C-Word” from Arrested Development. Dynamite name. If I were to name a boat? I would probably name it “What’s Up Dock”. Because puns.
James: Judy Greer.
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That’s it for the one hundred and forty-seventh instalment of Um, Actually. Check in every Monday and Thursday for a brand new column. If you have anything you’d like answered, hit up our contact page! If you submit anything via Twitter – to @blogaboutcomics, @Leask, or @soupytoasterson – remember to include the hashtag #UMACTUALLY so that we don’t lose it. Remember: you can ask us anything. Seriously, anything.
