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I feel confident saying this because jazz people are of notoriously low importance in society. What are they going to do, angrily suggest I listen to a Charlie Parker album? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

But anyway, your questions can be about basically anything! You can ask about comics, TV, movies, music, food or even just the unbearable, crushing feeling in your chest that you get from thinking about your own mortality. We’re flexible! Not like jazz people.

You’re welcome, internet.

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Scott (@scottowilliams) asks: Which of the Moulin Rouge “Lady Marmalade” women is the best?

James: This is a difficult question, but not for the reason you might think. The issue is how you parse the question. Do you just mean of the four women who sing on the track, namely Christina Aguilera, Lil’ Kim, Mýa and P!nk? Can you include the track’s production, which includes Missy “Misdeameanor” Elliott? And either way, are we just talking about their performances on or involvement with the track, or their wider careers? Because my answer might change depending on each of those permutations.

I mean, Missy Elliott is amazing, hands down, and I think she is routinely underrated for her work, let alone the ways she’s affected hip hop. It’s really bummed me out that Graves Disease has kept her away from music, more or less, for almost a decade (seriously, nine damn years), because her albums can be counted on for adventurous songwriting and production. Elliott is always trying new things and while she’s seldom matched the heights of “The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly,” literally the first single she ever released, I love that she’s found her way back to those heights (“Get Ur Freak On” and “Work It” especially) with entirely different approaches. It’s kind of like a Tom Petty situation: when one of the first songs you ever release is “American Girl,” literally one of the best rock and roll songs ever, anything you do is going to look like a sophomore slump afterward but you’ve gotta keep trying. Missy, ILU.

But if we’re just keeping it to the women who vocally perform on “Lady Marmalade,” for me, it comes down to two choices: Aguilera and Mýa. And don’t get me wrong, I have been surprised as the dickens by the way P!nk’s image has evolved away from the “I’m the rebellious one!” start with Can’t Take Me Home and M!ssundaztood. That said, she didn’t really leave her “Making dumb faces on album covers” phase of her career until The Truth About Love in 2012 (or, arguably, “Raise Your Glass” off the just awfully-titled Greatest Hits… So Far!!! collection), and I feel like I’m just now starting to really enjoy her work as she’s expanded her repertoire. Somewhat similarly, while I can appreciate Lil’ Kim’s skill, she’s just not really my taste, so she exists for me in the “I like her guest verses?” grey area.

And that brings us to Mýa and Christina Aguilera. And, objectively speaking, this should probably go to Aguilera. She’s the far better singer. She’s shown the ability to evolve her career more than once, including the incredibly impressive Stripped, which managed to be both her “I’m rebellious!” album, as she consciously tried to shake off her Disney identity, as well as a really varied album that put out some great singles. That’s an album whose first single was the self-explanatory “Drrty,” the first video I ever saw that had a warning before it, and whose last was “The Voice Within,” a classic inspirational ballad. That album is great, and while her three albums since haven’t been as good (Back to Basics is perhaps the best of those, but it’s hampered by being an okay double album when it could have been a great single album), she’s still tried to continue developing and changing. It feels like she’s got good work still ahead of her. Heck, some of those promotional singles from The Voice are actually good.

And that brings us to Mýa, who is just wonderful in general. As in, my attachment to her is irrational. But what can I say? That combination of Fear of Flying and her guest work on “Ghetto Superstar” and “Take Me There”? The fact that “My Love is Like… Wo” is still just incredible (and written/produced by Miss Elliott)? That earns a lot of goodwill, even if the rest of Mýa’s career has never really taken off like some contemporaries’ did. So while I would, purely emotionally, love to declare her the winner and then hum the vocal hook from “Ghetto Superstar” all day, I think I have to give it to Aguilera.

Brandon: Nicole Kidman.

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Scott continues: Stone Temple Pilots or Jane’s Addiction?

James: First, let me just say, in general, “Ugh.” Both of these bands are pretty firmly Not My Cup of Tea(tm), with their weird, shirtless, macho images. And while I can appreciate that Perry Farrell created Lollapalooza, which, if nothing else, gave me the Simpsons episode “Homerpalooza,” the reality is that I just don’t care much for his music after “Jane Says.” I swear to god, those stupid dog barking sounds on “Been Caught Stealing” are so bad they actually ruin that band’s entire discography. They are so bad they make it impossible to actually like Jane’s Addiction. Ugh.

And Stone Temple Pilots? If hard-pressed, I guess I would have to admit that some of the singles from Core and Purple are kind of good, but the band’s entire bro-ed-out-Nirvana shtick is basically the exact opposite of what I want in music. If you’re gonna be hypermasculine, at least have the good sense to be Van Halen before 5150.

So I would have to pick STP over Jane’s Addiction, if only because of those couple of good singles and the fact that they didn’t release “Been Caught Stealing.” Seriously, those dog barks are the goddamn worst.

Brandon: Yeah, I pretty much nothing these bands, which is an improvement. I remember a bit of overplaying for both when I there was radio happening in the comic book store, so… hurray?

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Scott goes on: The Proclaimers’ “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” or Simple Minds’ “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”?

James: Oh, the Proclaimers, easy. That’s not to say that “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” isn’t a great song, because it is. It is an indelible part of that specific period in the 1980s when crooning was really super in. But, for me, that’s actually the same reason why I can’t pick it over the Proclaimers. “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” isn’t just a good song, a song that I have in fact listened to about 20 times in a row on repeat before. It’s also a song that transcended the time it was made in. It doesn’t sound like a song made in 1988. It sounds like a song that could be from the late sixties, or the seventies, or the nineties or right now. The joke in How I Met Your Mother‘s “Arrivederci Fiero” episode is that the song “comes back around.” And the crazy thing is that it does. It’s so timeless, so temporally fluid, that it always comes back around because it always sounds like it’s fresh, all over again, in the end. It is maybe one of my favourite songs ever written.

Brandon: The Proclaimers all the way, for exactly the reasons James describes above. Plus, you can rock out to it pretty good, where “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” kinda mellows.

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Scott talks comics: Which Spider-Man villains would you include in your version of the Sinister Six?

James: This will maybe be my most boring answer ever: I like the original Sinister Six the best. In part, it’s because this is the version I first encountered as a kid, so they’re the version that’s built into my brain. But they’re also all basically my favourite Spider-Man villains, anyway. And sure, I like Scorpion, Shocker, Captain Boomerang and Rhino a lot too. They’re good second choices. Other Spider-Man villains, like the various Goblins, Spot, Morbius, Kingpin or even the assorted symbiote-related ones, to me seem like ones whose personalities or situations make them better suited for being either solo villains or, in the case of Wilson Fisk and Norman Osborn, ones who are in charge of other villains. To me, the Sinister Six are a team, and I really like the idea of Doctor Octopus, Electro, Mysterio, Sandman, Vulture and Kraven the Hunter all teaming up to get shit done. They’re all dudes who are prominent enough to give the idea that there are six of them teaming up an “oh snaaaap” feeling, but who aren’t always as world-endingly threatening by themselves as the Osborns or Kingpin.

That said, while stories like “Kraven’s Last Hunt” are perhaps the best Kraven stories ever, I’m a big fan of Ana Tatiana Kravinoff, Sergei’s daughter. If she, instead of her father, were in a version of the Sinister Six, I wouldn’t complain at all. Seriously, read the “Gauntlet” and “Grim Hunt” storylines. Ana is baller as heeeeeeeell.

Brandon: Six versions of the Looter, from different timelines. Each Norton G. Fester, would be in love with different coloured meteors, except for maybe one version where the meteor is the Looter, and is in love with a man named Norton G. Fester. Maybe sex happens? I’d get Sam Humphries to write it, but maybe that joke is old, or maybe he doesn’t want to be typecast as the dude who writes books about fucking minerals. I mean, at least it would be space minerals in this case, right? Maybe I should be writing this down in my ideas journal…

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Scott wraps up: Who is the best non-Peter Parker Spider-person, including clones?

James: Miles Morales. This isn’t because of any of the other versions are bad. I love basically every Spider-Woman incarnation and I have a soft spot for both the Mayday Parker and Anya Corazon versions of Spider-Girl. But Miles just connected with me so immediately, so completely. It would have been easy for him to fail. He wasn’t just stepping into a world with Peter Parker; he was actually replacing him. He was heavily marketed and expectations were obscenely high all around. He could have been good and still failed. But he’s succeeded, and become so vital, because he’s just a remarkable character, one whose voice comics needs very badly. He’s amazing.

Brandon: Love Miles Morales. I’m also partial to May “Mayday” Parker and Ben Reilly, because… well, Ben Reilly was my first Spider-Man. He was in the first Spider-Man comic I bought with my own money. It… it had a partially lenticular cover and… oh… oh no. Maybe… do you guys think I cosmically brought on these lenticular comic problems? Do you think it’s tied in with my early days in comics? I need a nap. A forever nap.

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That’s it for the one hundred and forty-third installment of Um, Actually. Check in every Monday and Thursday for a brand new column. If you have anything you’d like answered, hit up our contact page! If you submit anything via Twitter – to @blogaboutcomics, @Leask, or @soupytoasterson – remember to include the hashtag #UMACTUALLY so that we don’t lose it. Remember: you can ask us anything. Seriously, anything.