Hey y’all, it is Saturday and I have made myself a pretty fine meal, and I have also decided that bourbon and Bruce Springsteen is the way to go for the evening, so that means only one thing… The Depression!

No, wait, that can’t be right.

I think it’s time for Drunk…..Comic…. Recaaaaaaaaaps!

It is a good night. Y’all know the rules. I am drunk, I read comics, and in the morning I cannot correct anything except for making things appropriately BOLD and whatnot. If I, for example, say something like “Brandon pimps out young runaways,” I can’t correct that! THAT IS THE HISTORICAL RECORD.

The last time I drunk recapped things, I’d made it through Issue #4 of All Star Batman and Robin and decided that people were being assholes. By which I mean Batman was being a dick. Have things changed? Has Frank Miller discovered his heart of gold? Only time will tell in this installment of James’ Struggle With Alcoholism!

ISSUE #5: WONDER WOMAN, FRANK MILLER SLASH STRIPPER STYLE

Things start in Metropolis, which is “the City of men’s dreams,” as Frank Miller puts it. So I can only assume everybody will be eminently respectful of women. Wonder Woman is here and she just called a dude “Sperm Bank.”

Women’s lib, y’all!

She also says that men lie about everything because a secret hideout is hidden behind a “DANDER 80,00o VOLTS” sign. I can’t help but think but she is being slightly overcritical.

Uh oh, I think I have Stockholm Syndrome.

So Wonder Woman, Superman, Green Lantern and Plastic Man are discussing what to do with Batman, and basically everyone things something needs to be done about him, except for Plastic Man, who thinks that B-Man (ACTUAL WORDS, Y’ALL) “makes us look edgier,” so I guess things are about to get sexy.

And by “sexy,” I of course means that Diana wants to murder “the Bat-Man” and put his head on a spike as a gift from the Justice League. Superman disagrees and talks about how things are done on “my world,” which means I can’t help but think that he has forgotten the part where he is an illegal alien. He hits Wonder Woman with only his breath and I have dialed 9-1 on my phone. Clark, don’t make me call the cops.

Now Clark and Diana are kissing! I honestly don’t understand why. They seem to hate each other (and I agree with Diana except for the murder part) and then Wonder Woman spat on the ground to spite Superman and now they are gettin’ all sexy. It is confusing.

It switches to Batman, who loves “being the goddamn Batman,” so I guess things are working out for him. It’s important to have job satisfaction. If you don’t have that, I imagine you’d be pretty sad. Do you need a hug, Champ?

The summary of the next few pages is pretty much: “Batman enjoys the idea of punching motherfuckers. Then he punches motherfuckers.” I think my favourite part is when one of said motherfuckers doesn’t quite hear something Bruce said and so Bruce beats the hell out of him even harder. I mean, this guy was gonna rape a woman! I don’t think poor listening comprehension is the real reason you should break his bones, Bruce. What are you, a grammar nazi?

Now the lady who Batman saved steps on the crotch of one of her attempted rapists, who for some reason was asking her for help. I don’t think he’s very smart. She also says she loves Batman, but he doesn’t believe in love. He’s a lone wolf! He just survives, and if he has to beat motherfuckers within an inch of their life in the process, well that’s just a perk! He’s too busy having lightning rattle his whiskers, which I think might be a euphemism.

While Batman is getting an erection from lightning, Alfred is a total badass who gets it on with a punching bag while thinking about how tortured Bruce is and how Thomas Wayne got his son orphaned by insisting that The Mark of Zorro is a good movie. I haven’t seen it, so I can’t say. All I know is that Alfred calling Bruce “my clack-eyed, brilliant, willful angel” is a little weird. Aren’t you his butler? Shouldn’t you not be having weirdly sexual fantasies about him? Or whatever. It’s a free country! Fantasize away, Pennyworth!

Dick Grayson has an axe. This is actually the ending to the issue.

ISSUE #6: BATGIRL BEGINS, WEARS PRETTY NEAT EARRINGS

While Batman gleefully relives the beatings he’s given so far this evening, Black Canary is out ridin’ a motorcycle and lookin’ to wreck motherfuckers. Pay attention, dear reader. This is important. Frank Miller is practically a Women’s Studies instructor! Or not.

While Barbara Gordon puts one over on her dear ol’ dad, he’s conducting an affair over the phone and refusing to believe that Batman would kidnap a kid.

Now, let’s take an intermission. Dick Grayson will end up being Bruce Wayne’s legal ward, right? And yet, as Batman, Bruce has kidnapped Dick? Won’t the cops start making connections when Batman kidnaps Dick and all of a sudden Bruce turns up with him? I mean, this doesn’t exactly require award-winning deduction, here.

Alfred Pennyworth is Batman.

My favourite part of the series so far is Jim Gordon referring to Gotham cops as “gunsels,” which is actually an old school derogatory term from the Dashiell Hammett days referring to a young man retained for sexual purposes by a man.

Frank Miller, rights crusader!

Jim also talks to his mistress about how Batman is inspiring others to follow in his footsteps, some of whom are old enough to be his daughter. I think you see where all this is going. Jim is not a very good detective, apparently.

Now, I know I give this series the business a lot, but I have to admit that Jim Lee’s design for Barbara Gordon as Batgirl is fucking incredible. It perfectly captures youth and energy and excitement. As much as people might poke fun at the series, I think we all have to admit that Lee hit it out of the park with Babs’ design. Black, yellow, charm bracelets? Weirdly perfect. But prepare for a sudden scene change, y’all.

Meanwhile, 16 year-old Jimmy Olsen has a total boner for Vicki Vale, but she is totally using him. Ah, young love.

Meanwhile, Black Canary is out fighting crime. And wouldn’t you know it, a dick calls her “love chunks” just like every disrespectful man in her life has? It’s almost like he didn’t read Issue #3! Needless to say, she wrecks him. And robs him. Whatever. A crimefighter needs funds!

While all this is happening, the Goddamn Batman flying kicks a cop even though he describes how much he hates the dude the cop is escorting. I’m beginning to think that Batman might not be moral in the strictest sense of the term.

Now thugs with guns have shown up for what I can only assume is a perfectly rational reason and not just a justification for Batman to injure some jackasses. But Black Canary is there, and how things are getting sexy! What will happen next? Who knows? This is a Frank Miller comic, just about anything could happen! Though women will probably still be second-class citizens.

Frank, I think we should talk.

But that’s all for now! You’ll have to wait until next time to learn about Frank Miller’s opinions about things!

Hasta luego, chochachos!