Woop woop everybody! You know what time this is, don’t you? What? You don’t? Oh man, you are going to shit a brick or something similar like maybe a sexy ghost.

I do not know what I am doing.

But yes, it is time for Drunkkkkk Comic Recaaaaaaaaaps! Except fuck comics. Oh, I know they are rad as all shit and whatnot, but but his EMMY NIGHT! Thus, for tonight, there are only TV shows until it’s time for me to write my part of the Best (Comics) of the Week. But right now, it’s TEEVEEEEE!

The rules are the same as always: I am drunk, y’all! Instead of reading a comic, I’m gonna watch the Sixty-somethingth Primetime Emmy Awards and get angry when Louis CK doesn’t win every single award, even the lady ones. In the morning, I cannot correct anything (except tags), only feel regret!

Ladies.

So, without further adieu, here are the Emmys! Woo!

THE OPENING OR SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW

Sixty-third! I was close! In the meantime, Kathy Bates loks like she is going to murder someone. And Leonard Nimoy is the president of television! Look into your heart, you know it to be true.

Goddammit, I did not need to be reminded that Raising Hope exists. Strike One, William Bell

Now Jane Lynch is lip syncing! These beers are now paid for in happiness. Hooray lesbians! Wait, did she tell Lloyd from Entourage that he’s always been Asian? I think he said “Agent.” Way to be racist, lesbians everywhere. No, you’re generalizing. That’s a great pantsuit, though. It’s Rodham-esque. I am almost ready to forgive Jane for singing that men only enjoy cooking on TV because that is stupid as all shitwaitthereareMythbustershere! And Andy Richter! I am sold. I forgive your racism, Glee. And Mad Men? Aw man, Jon Hamm is too awesome. I mean, seriously. What the hell, now I have the depression.

Just kidding, I always had it.

(Are lesbians allowed to wear dresses? I don’t want Jane to get in trouble with her union.)

Also, Cobie Smulders and Joel McHale are “Emmy-Tones”, so now I am turned on. And Psych got a mention! Now I can die happy, because I am easy to please. Hey ladies.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY WHATSIT

As far as I can tell, this is primarily a category designed to get Jimmys Kimmel & Fallon to shut up, because OH MY GOD I GET IT YOU ARE BROS. Also, we all know Jane Lynch is going to win anyway, I mean, she is hosting the thing, she can make up whatever she wants. And the winner is………….. JULIE BOWEN! Because Modern Family is good, I enjoy her appearances on Conan. Also, I am bad at predicting things. This is just something you are going to have to learn, Internet. I mean, part of me thinks Louis CK is going to win something. But man, that is some serious cleavage. I guess it is her anniversary! You’re welcome, Mr. Bowen.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES PRESENTED BYTHE GOOD WIFE

Modern Family is seriously hogging all the spots here, but I think Al Bundy will win. Or someone from that show. I mean seriously, that is the odds. And Ty Burrell won! See? I was half right. Look at me, being savvy and shit. You should be glad I am doing this oh no I have started feeling good for myself that won’t do thank god Ty’s dad died.

Stop being insensitive.

But yes, this means that one TV couple has won, I guess the next one will be Jon Hamm and Joel McHale, because oh my god, those gay babies would be adorable. Plus, I think all this sweet-talk has bagged me an invite to the commitment ceremony.

Now Jane is talking about eating (meat)balls, that is the first time that has happened ever, heyo. And now, Ricky Gervais! Wait, is this the Golden Globes? I know I’m drunk.

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING FOR A COMEDY SERIES BECAUSE PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THIS

I mean, almost all of these are single camera series, and I think that’s unfair, because multi-camera series take talent! At least, good ones, do. Also, this seems like there are another dozen Modern Family nominations and oh what a surprise they won again. Come on, Hollywood, at least take Steve Levitan’s dick out of your mouth. I am kidding, of course. Modern Family is one of my favourite shows, I never miss it! There, is that okay? You can take the knife away from my ballsack now, Sofia Vergara.

Ballsack.

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A COMEDY SERIES THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT

This is the closest presenter Will Arnett will get to winning an award, because all of his series since Arrested Development have been <NOT TO MY PERSONAL PREFERENCE BUT THAT IS OKAY>.

I will admit, I watch mostly for the writing awards, which means that’s five minutes out of three hours. The rest is lusting after the stars. I hope Louis wins, but I am not hopeful. He is just an underdog, I will have to deal with that. And of course, Steve Levitan and Modern Family won again! Also there was another writer but I have forgotten his name. Come onnnnnn, this night is 4/4 Modern Family! Somebody hit someone else with a chair or something. Also, nobody has been played off yet! I guess that show has something going for it besides all the talent and awards and my eternal love.

Seriously, Sofia. I fucking get it.

Back from the commercial, Jane acknowledges that I am bored. GODDAMMIT IT IS CHARLIE SHEEN I AM GETTING A FUCKING BEER I DO NOT NEED TO SEE HIM NOT BE REPRIMANDED FOR BEING A LESS THAN WONDERFUL FATHER. He was classy, though! Hooray, Charlie! Thank you for gritting your teeth.

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES

Steve Carell is just going to win this, let’s be honest. A) This is the one category so far that Modern Family literally cannot win, B) Last season was his last on a beloved show and he did a good job. I thought he’d gotten an assload of Emmys by now, but I guess Charlie and Alec Baldwin have been snorting them or something and this is his first one.

And Jim Parsons won! Man, I literally cannot predict anything correctly. Aaaaaaand now Steve is torching the place. Louis CK claps politely. And Pamela Adlon is there! This brings he hope that the two will take trip to Kink City in the next season of Louie, which might actually be the best comedy series on television right now. Or at least my favourite.

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A LUCILLE BALL SERIES

Or comedy or something. You know what I mean. Amy Poehler will win, I am predicting! She even stepped up on stage after being the first nomination. And now all of them are! But yes, I used to not really care for her, but I have absolutely come around with Parks and Recreation, which really is wonderful, and I am sorry for taking so long please don’t make me watch all the Highlander movies again.

Before crushing dreams, Rob Lowe takes time to be reassuring and dreamy. God Bless America. Wait! Melissa McCarthy? Man, maybe I should start watching Mike and Molly. She seems nice enough. Though the tiara is a little fucking demeaning, don’t you think, Hollywood? These are comedians, not beauty pageant contestants. FUCK.

Seriously, though: Melissa is always nice on The Late Late Show and she is being super classy right now. I like her. I should see Bridesmaids. Hooray!

Before we get into the Reality categories, let’s all appreciate the Moneyball trailer. Because not only do I love Brad Pitt, but I am also an Oakland Athletics fan and a nerd who spends a good portion of his job dealing with numbers, so this is absolutely a movie for me. And it opens this week! Man, I am gonna see the hell out of this.

And now there is some sweet Nathan Fillion action! Guys, did you know the Castle season premiere is TONIGHT? And that the Castle (by which I mean Derrick Storm: Deadly Storm) graphic novel written by Brian Michael Bendis and Kelly Sue “The Best” DeConnick comes out next week? Seriously, you should be on those things.

REALITY AND VARIETY AND WHATNOT

I’m not gonna lie, I really only care if Mythbusters wins and about the late night stuff, so this isn’t gonna be long. Now, I know a lot of people who watch reality shows, but that stuff’s just not for me, you dig? I don’t really know about Kardashians and Housewives and older brothers. I just care if Adam and Jamie blow some shit up. And if Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Conan O’Brien or Craig Ferguson win sexy awards. So I am just gonna fast forward through this hour, mostly.

Now there’s a writing for variety/late night award! Man, I want Conan to win all the sexiness. But yes, The Daily Show won again. Goddammit, I absolutely cannot guess correctly at all. I will now commit ritual suicide.

Okay, I’m a liar. But seriously, how cool would that be?

Now The Lonely Island is singing, which is okay. Michael Bolton is there! He sang in Disney’s Hercules! He wouldn’t put his name to just anything. And John Stamos sang! Man, I love that dude. Uncle Jesse forever, y’all! Where are the Rippers? Oh, he killed and ate them? I guess that’s fair. Okay, I’m bored again. When does Adam Savage get an award, again?

Okay, while all this is going down, am I right that Community wasn’t nominated for anything? Man, that is stupid as shit, because I love that show and Hollywood should listen to everything I say. Dance, Cory Monteith, dance!

Saturday Night Live won a directing award or something. Whatever. I didn’t watch it, so I can’t say if it’s any good or not.

OUTSTANDING VARIETY, MUSIC OR COMEDY SERIES

The Daily Show is going to win this like it always does. This is the one guess I absolutely cannot be wrong at. FINALLY, I WAS RIGHT. Then again, it’s won for nine years in a row, so should I even count this? Probably not. Man, I still cannot guess for shit. I still kinda wanted to give it to Conan. But yeah, Jon Stewart is humble as all shit. I like him! Now, when can I start paying attention, again?

Now it’s drama, or something! It’s only hallway through this and they always end on Outstanding Drama Series, so I have no idea how they’re gonna milk it for an hour and a half. But I am gonna make the best of it because I am drunk and that makes most thing okay oh no does this make me an alcoholic? Probably.

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A DRAMA SERIES

Mad Men will win this. I mean, c’mon. That’s just the trend. It always wins AND ONCE AGAIN I WAS WRONG BECAUSE FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS WON. Fuck, why can’t I guess correctly at all? I’m starting to think that I am just not good at this, despite the fact that I watch what is frankly an unhealthy amount of television. Looks like it’s suicide again for me.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES

This is interesting, because it’s a category full of shows that, aside from Mad Men, I don’t really watch at all, and I’m still two seasons behind on Mad Men. So really, all I can guess is that people love The Good Wife, and even that still leaves me with two people to choose from, so I will guess Christine Baranski because she is also on The Big Bang Theory and that show I watch. Man, can you believe that we almost thought that Sheldon and Leonard’s mum (played by Baranski, of course) would have sex? What were we on? That’s crazy talk!

Aaaaaaand Margot Martinsdale won for Justified, which allowed the announcer to make a really wonderful pun, so really, I should have anticipated that. I still have not guessed correctly once all night, at least in a category that wasn’t the writing one that The Daily Show wins every single year. I should probably watch Justfied, though! John Siuntres is always talking about it on The Word Balloon podcast, and I trust that dude. Also, my mum’s family is Southern so I feel like I would just “get” that show. Plus, I think there are mustaches.

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING IN A DRAMATIC SERIES

Scorsese will win. That is all. THANK YOU LORD I DON’T BELIEVE IN FOR ONCE I GUESSED CORRECTLY. For those playing at home, which is all of you unless Jon Hamm got my letters, that is the first time tonight that I have guessed correctly. I plan to let this all go to my head and to start wrecking up the joint, which is unfortunate because it is my apartment and I will have to clean it up. I haven’t looked at the teevee because Scorsese’s eyebrows scare me, and he mentioned Steve Buscemi which also scares me. Basically, I am scared because of eyebrows and bog eyes. Wait, does that make me racist?

I’m sorry, internet.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES Y’ALL

Bryan Cranston will win. Wait, this isn’t Lead Actor? Then, I give it to Peter Dinklage for Game of Thrones because that show is wonderful and a big part of that is Dinklage, who is a midget or a dwarf or a little person but who is rad as all shit. I mean, seriously, he is wonderful. As soon as I saw that series, I thought he should win. He is just that good. Plus, he slapped Prince Joffrey around and if you’ve read the books you know that means is is awesome.

AND HE WON! Fuck yes! That is two in a row! I am now drunk on (predictive) power, by which I mean Granville Island IPA and however much cinnamon schnapps aka Goldsasdfhalager I had left because my sister gave it to me and I guess that means I just drank gold!

But seriously, Dinklage fucking deserves this, he is wonderful in that show.

I decided to drink more. Which is good because now there is a sketch or something and now I’m reminded why I hate awards show writing even if Anderson Cooper is in it.

OUTSTANDING (MAN I AM TIRED OF THAT FUCKING WORD) ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES

Julianna Margulies. That is all. And I was right! Man, the critics and my mum fucking love The Good Wife. Maybe I should watch it? I hear Michael J. Fox has a recurring guest role. But more importantly, this is the third award in a row I guessed correctly! Now I dedicate myself to alcohol forever.

Also, I just realized how I never talked about how amazing it is that Game of Thrones aka a genre series won an award (Peter Dinklage). That’s seriously amazing, because usually the Emmys hate that wonderful, wonderful shit. I mean, Buffy the Vampire Slayer never won an award and that’s insane as all shit. Whatever, Peter Dinklage and Julianna Margulies would make very talented, pretty, if somewhat below-average in height babies. Whatever. I love them.

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES

Man, does anybody even bet against Bryan Cranston anymore? If Breaking Bad hadn’t started late, people would be quaking in their boots at his fourth-in-a-row Emmy. However, since AMC has no respect for insane streaks, I am guessing that Hugh Laurie will win because I want it even if it won’t happen and Michael C. (stands for Cancer) Hall will win.

Whoops, I was wrong. Kyle Chandler won for Friday Night Lights, because apparently people started respecting this show in its last season

But seriously, Chandler should be sending a muffin basket to AMC and Bryan Cranston for starting late.

Is Friday Night Lights about football? I don’t know anymore.

MINISERIES AND TV MOVIES

I don’t watch any of this and I don’t care about this. Maybe you do! That is pretty cool, I guess. I’m getting some bourbon.

I love bourbon.

Is there anything sadder than Entourage accepting an award for Maggie Smith? Man, now I need this bourbon. PS Send me HBO, I wasn’t able to watch the last season of Entourage. Did Vince turn out okay? Of course he did, this is Entourage.

I am being punished for not caring about these categories with a cover of “Hallelujah” during the In Memoriam part of the night. Also The Kennedys won for something which I do not care for because that series was inaccurate as balls. I still miss Peter Falk and Leslie Nielsen, though. Man, can you imagine what “shipping” them would be like? Seriously, that would be the hottest. Sexy comedy genius. Like, Hamm levels of sexiness.

Seriously, these miniseries/made-for-TV-movie categories don’t stop. Now, I’m sure these are all artistically valuable works filled with talented people. The problem is, nobody cares! I mean, Kate Winslet just won and I don’t even know for what! Mildred Pierce? The Kennedys? Bachelor Pad? I honestly don’t know. Nobody knows! This is basically 45 minutes of airspace based around cable programming where everybody claps politely at the English person that won and didn’t actually watch the program that won. It’s not that it’s not good, it’s that it’s something that nobody watched and, with all the categories that get pushed to the Creative Arts Emmy Awards the weekend before (like Mythbusters!), it ends up killing all the momentum while ignoring a bunch of TV that people actually watch and/or care about. Seriously, there have been awards given out while I typed this paragraph and I really don’t know or care what they are. You probably didn’t watch this far and just assumed that Mad Men won for OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES.

Jane Lynch just made a Hakuna Matata joke and I approve. Your move, Nathan Lane.

OUSTANDING DRAMA SERIES

Mad Men.

Seriously, did you expect anything else? It has literally won every year it has been around. Instead of guessing, which I am statistically bad at, I spent the time I’d normally spend guessing incorrectly just drinking bourbon and shipping Peter Dinklage and Bobby Kennedy instead, that’s how confident I am. I’m not even going to listen to the acceptance speech, it’s just blah blah blah we are humble and insanely talented and oh look Jon Hamm and Christina Hendricks were insanely sexy all night and the 1960s kind of sucked, sorry nostalgia. In more important news, was anyone actually played offstage during their acceptance speeches tonight? And the show finished EARLY? This might be a first. I have probably paid more attention to this tonight than I did anything else. Sorry.

OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES

This is basically to make up for all the other comedy awards being burned through earlier tonight when people were more attentive and less tired. I figure Modern Family will win because it has literally won every other award tonight it was eligible for. This show does not lose! It’s like Usain Bolt.

Wait, is that still topical? I don’t know. I’ve been drinking for like three hours. I don’t even know if it’s still Sunday.

See? I was right. Welp. I guess I finally made an accurate guess about this show, by which I mean I finally didn’t bet against it. I still think Louie deserved something, though. That show is incredible in an entirely unique way, but it’s done for the season so I guess I’ll be watching Modern Family again.

Until the Golden Globes, when my alcoholism won’t stand out as much because they let the stars drink! Goodnight, everyone!

Peace out, chochachos!