Valentine’s Day means many things to many people. Here at Comics! The Blog, it means its time for James and Brandon to once again gang-bang a topic into submission with their word-dicks.

…I can say that, right? Anyway, this being the season for love, we figured it would only be appropriate if we both took a look at some of comics’ greatest romances!

The Hulk and Betty Ross

Because what’s not to love about a green (or occasionally gray, if that’s your flavour, Phil) man in tight purple shorts, monosyllabically devoted to you, jumping around the countryside hitting things in your honour? Well, they might be in your honour. Because let’s face it, it’s actually kind of hard to tell sometimes. It’s not like he always speaks that coherently, all “HULK SMASH” and “HULK BAKE A NICE SOUFFLE BUT IT FALL WHEN TAKEN OUT OF OVEN, CURSE HULK CLUMSY FINGERS.” But nonetheless, it’s not hard to tell how Hulk feel about Betty, which has to have a certain charm. Plus, her dad hates him. I hear that can help.

But that Red She-Hulk thing? That’s just straight-up kinky. (J)

Spider-Man and the Human Torch

Have there ever been two dudes more in love than Pete and Johnny? When they first met, they absolutely hated each other just like Audrey Hepburn and Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady, but then over time, they didn’t, just like Audrey Hepburn and Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady.

Now of course, the only thing keeping these two crazy love birds apart is that pesky “gay marriage” thing.

…what, what?

Oh. Never mind. (B)

The Goddamn Batman and cussing

If there’s one thing the star of Frank Miller’s Batman stories loves, it’s busting in skulls. But if there’s a close second, it’s swearing while he does it. I mean, look at that one issue where he can’t even defend his decision to call it the Batmobile without throwing down more than a few goddamns. He’s like my grandpa if he had been cranky, permadrunk, and kinda prejudiced. But he wasn’t! My grandpa was a saint. But he kicked as much ass as the G-darned Batman.

Grandpa, I’m sorry for cussing so much.

But the G.D. Batman, he doesn’t care about what my grandpa or anybody else thinks. He kicks ass, takes names, then kicks those names and swears about it. He swears in his sleep. He swears at a tiny little orphaned boy. That’s how much he loves it. Or how much he hates All Star Dick Grayson. It’s probably both. (J)

Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy

Oh, these two. Was there any comic book couple more adorable than them? I mean, wasn’t it cool when they are off doing… um… stuff and hanging around at the Coffee Bean or, uh… something.

Okay, look, I’ve never actually read a comic where Pete and Gwen were together. The best I’ve done is read post-mortum stuff, and for all I know, the two of them didn’t actually have a super groovy relationship. But from the stuff that I have read, it was clear that they had fallen for each other pretty hard. One of them just did it a little more literally, is all. (B)

J. Jonah Jameson and his barber

They don’t call him “old flattop” because he was even-tempered. Actually, that’s a terrible joke, but I’m going to stick with it anyway because it’s still true. But look at JJ’s hair. Isn’t it spectacular? Well, that shit don’t come free. A work of art like that requires some serious attention, which means a lot of time in a barber’s chair. Do you think JJ would just trust anybody with his life’s work – The Bugle and City Hall are more like hobbies, admit it – or do you think he’d take care of that like a baby bird? A bird with a matching mustache? Wait. No, Jonah’s connection with his barber is a sacred thing, a trust, and that’s a true love if there ever was one. And Marla? She likes to watch. (J)

Superman/Clark Kent and Lois Lane

It was a troubled romance, to say the least. See, Clark Kent was always super into Lois, but she would never give him the time of day. All she wanted to do was trick Superman into marrying him and having her babies. And Superman… well, all he was trying to do was be a dick to Lois. Like that time she thought Bruce Wayne was Superman, and got him to propose to her, only to call the wedding off in tears when Superman turned out to be Bruce’s best man. Oh, how the boys laughed at that one.

But anyway, the years passed, and Lois did end up getting past years of being written like a shallow person romantic turmoil and started banging Clark good and plenty. So uh, yeah. Hurray! (B)

The Joker and Harley Quinn

If Clark Kent and Lois Lane represent the pure, iconic love that only Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher can embody, then the Joker and Harley Quinn represent the messed up kind where the disembodied voice of Mark Hamill tells you that you’re worthless. Finer minds than I could talk at length about the finer psychological aspects of that relationship, and theoretically my degree says I’m not incompetent at doing that either, but I’m going to level with you: this relationship is creepy as all hell. It’s dysfunctional. It’s abusive. We’re all happy when Harley leaves Mistah J, but we’re not surprised or that distressed, as absolutely terrible as that sounds, when she inevitably goes back. It’s both sides of that fucked up part in all of us, the unhealthy habits we just can’t kick for good. All we can do is try to hate ourselves a little less. (J)

Comics! The Blog and Casanova

We should probably get a room.

But we won’t.