Hide your mothers, because you guys. YOU GUYS. Its time for some Drunk Comic Reeecaaaaapsss! The rules are simple: I drink and then read a comic, and then the next day when I read it with all of you guys, I’m not allowed to go back and edit things. Except for tags and like pictures, you know? All right, so this week, the second week, we’re breaking out the Finest Wine of all the vintages of wines: Chuck Austen’s Uncanny X-Men run. And because I love all of you (and because I have like, ALL KINDS of extra time now that I have a car and don’t have to wait for the STUPID BUS YOU GUYS) I’m going to go all out and review the whole damn first arc! ARE YOU READY FOR THIS SHIT, BECAUSE ITS AH-BOUT TO BUH-RAAAAYKE OFFFFFF.

Your mom.

Uncanny X-Men #410: The start of it.

Okay, so there’s the cover, that shows the team, which is nice. It also has the name of the arc right there, and it’s called HOPE, which is funny, because this is the Chuck Auster X-Men run (bah-dump bump!) No, but seriously, these comics are just so ridiculous, I enjoy them so much, you guys. Just… just wait, you will see it.

We open! In a small town where some bullies are spitting on a kid who looks like a fish, and they are calling him a squid. Actually, I’m not sure it’s a small town? Because it doesn’t actually say, I’m just going on the vibe you know? If Austen wanted to convay a big city, he would probably not do something about bullying. Maybe he would do like a sex-crack deal. The kind that gets you all the sex-crack. Anyway. These kids are all laughing at the Squid-boy that is actually a fish boy and then they push him in some mud and walk awa.y He gets all sulky, and complains about how he’s not even a rad mutant, the kind that can set fire to peoples eyebrows or do math problems and then he calls himself a turd, which is hilarious.

Okay, so then he gets home, and his mom is all, Sammy (because his name is Sammy) are you all right? ANd he’s not but he does say that he is, and then he goes out to a field. His mom doesn’t want him to, because its filled with broken glass, but he’s all BITCH YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO and he goes there anyhow, and goes into his fort (which she had no problem with him building in the middle of borken glass?) where he pulls out a gun and contemplates committing suicide. But hey! His mom calls him away, because Professor X has arrived and is ready to commit sex crimes on his body! Or as he puts it, “My name is Charles Xavier, and I’m here to offer you what I think is a wonderous opportunity.” Sammy ends up crying, because he really is a giiiirl.

MEANWHILE, in the HAAAAALLLL of JUSTICE… or, you know, the X-Wing, some X mens are on their way to This-Land-Is-Scot-Land. In the vehicle is, uh… Wolverine, Nightcrawler, Ice man, Angel, Monet and Stacy X - who we are quickly reminded, is a mutant sex prostitute. In short order, Monet is all, BITCH, YOU AIN NOTHIN’ BUT A WHORE, and Wolverine gets all happy that the girls are going to fight. Stacy X (ha, get it, it’s like X Stacy!) retorts by saying “Hey, Princess. Men pay to sleep with me. When men sleep with you, they’re only aroused by daddy’s wallet.” Which, you know, is weird, because she agrees with Monet, about getting paid for sex times.

Anyway, that’s when sounds start, and the fireballs start coming and things go bad. Immediately, the team comes together, and by that, I mean, Monet attempts to eject herself, and then she calls Stacy X an idiot when she attempts to nab her. Angel saves Stacy before she ends up dying for trying to help and then the whole thing crashes.

Back at Sammy’s, the squid boy is being wooed by Professor Xavier. Sammy decides to go away with the professor, because his accent is cute and he can melt skulls. After packing, Sammy catches the Prof chatting up the locals about jets amnd whatnot, but then he moves things along, and Sammy meets the Beast. He completely freaks out, and says that the Beast looks SO COOl, and that he wishes he could look like the beast. Get it? Because they both look CRAZY! Oooooooh, irony. Wait, that’s Irony, yes?

Anyway, after that little chat, the Professor asks Sammy to see the gun he has hidden in his pants. Sammy pulls it out, and he’s all, I didn’t want to leavve it in the junk yead just in case. Which is bullshit, but whatever. The proffessor seems to feel the need to contact the team, and he finds out that Stacy is the only one who seems to be alive. Of course, she’s freaking out. She flails or something, and then they find out that Kurt is okay, and then the Juggernaut runs at you, and that;s when the comic ends.

But man, that jive won’t fly on this edition. We’re going for three, which, at this point into my boozing, seems like just like aturrible idea. AMURICA! Onto the next thing.

Uncanny X-Mrn #411: Clever tagline. Shut up you guys, this is huarrrrddd..

Jesus, okay, the comic starts in Vancouver? When did that shit happen? Anyway, the professot and his areoplane are in Vancouver, and he’s telling Hank that “my maniacal stepbrother Cain — the Juggernaut — is attacking!” Which is delightful, because it touches upon some of that weird X-Men continutiy and does the whatsit. Does that thing where people explain information to people who already know that information. He’s all, “He’s the Juggernaut!” And Hank has to be all like, “Yeah, yeah bro, I get it. I know. Ultimate frisbee.” Because people who say bro end all their sentance things with the words “Ultimate Frisbee.”

Flash to Scot-Land, where Stacy is yelling “Juggernaut’s going to kill us all!” Iceman replies to this statement by saying that not everyone is going to die, but “You, maybe.” Because Bobby, is a DICK. Anyway, the Juggernaut is a attacked just a little bit, and then he pulls a big stick out of Wolverine’s chest. Bobby (Iceman) sees this and then hits the Juggernaut with ice, and he flies away. This is about the time when tenticles come out and grab Angel, who is already starting to probably get brain dead or something, from not breathing for so long. Anyway, the X-Men yell for a bit, and attack the Juggernaut at the same time, and the Juggernaut just yells at them, and asks them if this is how they treat people who phone their 1-800 number for help. Because apparently? The X-Men not only have a 1-800 number, but take annonymous tips like… SUPER SERIOUS.

Anyway, the Juggernaut is all, “Shit has gootten real” and, in reference to the green tenticle things, says that he’s gotten stronger. BUT WHO IS HE REFERRING TOOOOOO?

We’re left to ponder while stroking our various beards while we visit a hospital, where a comatose dude is being tended to by some lady who is a nurse. She keeps talking to him, even though he’s like this complete vegetable. The other nurses look at her with pity, and are all, Ohhhh, Annie. Talking to a coma patient. Then one of them says, “Yeah, well, he’s a handsome man, and she’s a single mother who doesn’t get out much.” The other nurse turns on her and is like, whoa, not cool, to which the first nurse says, hey, if she secretly wishes he’ll come out of his coma and carry her off into the sunset, well, it’s probably best for the both of them. And then she says: “Sometimes the only thing that keeps us going… is HOPE.”

Fuck yeah, that’s the sweet stuff.

Anyway, the nurse Annie meets her son in the dais, or something (wait a shit, what the heck is a dais? I don’t even know…) while wheeling the coma duder around, and then they find this newspaper… and in the newspaper… it’s a picture of the coma guy! And holy snap, its Havok! Cyclopses bro! Oh snaaaap!

A turn of the page later, and its plant rape city. All of the X-People are tangled up in weeds and junk, and Juggernaut lets them know what’s going down: it’s Black Tom, the Juggernaut’s sex crime partner! Tom gets all pissy that the Juggernaut would ask the X-Men for help, and then he like… makes the tentacles go all into his eyes and shit. Wolverine makes fun of Juggy about being gay for Black Tom, and Juggy is all, Shut up man, that dude was my bro and I would do anything for him!@ Wolvie keeps yelling at the juggernaut, about how he’s kind’ve a dick, which makes him think about how he’s been a dick, but hey, it’s all kind;e moot, because they are still trapped. Wait a sec I gotta pee.

Right, so, not sure why I actually typed that? but man. This is about the point in the evening… where I’ve still been drinking, and it’s been so long, that I;m starting to loose the thing. The uh… concentration of it? THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU PEOPLE. The sexy sexy THINGS. So much left to do. Like an issue. And more pages of this. Okay. OKAY. okay.

So. Kurt and Bobby are free, apparently, and are wandering around looking for the people who are gone. Anyway, Bobby grabs a vine and says he’s very in tune with water, and that he can find where everyone is by mind melding with tentacles. Meanwhile… OH GOD, okay, meanwhile… at the hospital, where Havok is, Annie phones Cyclops to tell him that his brother is alive, and her son is watching a spongebob-ish show? And the text bubble says, “I don’t know Squidbert. What do you think I’m hiding in my pants?” Basically, this kid is straight up watching porn in front of his moms, which is hardcored. But yeah, she phones, and Cyclops is all whaaaaaaaat?

And then, Bobby and Kurt follow the water, and find BlackTom and the people they’re missing, and the issue ends.

Alright you guys. Just a little more, and we’re through! I mean, no really, I love these, book,sb ecause they’re hilarious, but I should’ve probllaby stopped drinking so I could still make sense and such.

LAST ISSUE!

Uncanny X-Men #412: Ya’ll fuckin best better reckognize!

Let’s do this fast, like your mothers. That didn’t even make sense? I think. Okay, so things start with Tom chest raping Bobby with a plant spike, and then nightcrawler is the only one free, and he’s all WHY TOM WHY, and Tom laughs a bit.And then… OH hey look! An ad for Firefly! You all remember htat show? I want to watch taht again. Somet other time.

So yeah, back at the hospital, Annie is looking at a lake with Alex, and saying good-bye to her coma lover. She looks at him and says “You’re never going to wake up and sweep me off my feet... are you Alex?” And Alex, in his coma goes… “…………………….”

Then she goes… and this is real too… “YOu’re never going to suddenly come out of it. You’re never going to tell me I kept you going while your mind was trapped and thank me with devotion and kisses… and love me for the rest of our lives. YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO BE A FATHER TO MY SON, ARE YOU?” Then she asks herself how stupid she is for falling in love with a living dead man. Well, the ansewr to that is, pretty stupid, but to be fair, she’s only a woman. (That’s RIGHT ladies! I’m stiiiillll single.)

This is when Cyclops shows up, and picks up his brother like that movie. I want to say the Bodyguard? Is that a thing, where that one person is carried out of somewhere? I don’t even know anymore. Annie is all, does he need a nurse, and Cyclops, knowing that she’s a woman (oh god, so turrible) says Alex was in love with someone else and he loved her very much. Annie steels herself, and is all, he’ll stil need a nurse.

Then, back in Scot land! The X-Men are in trouble! Kurt, being allowed to walk around free for some reason talks to Tom and is all… THIS ISN”T COOL, GUY. And then he goes to Stacy and tells her to focus. Kurt tells her that at one point in time, Tom used to be a man… and still was. Basically, the super riligious Nightcrawler is asking Stacy to seduce Tom’s plant wang for the team. Go feminism! Anyway, she uses her mind sex powers and licks him, and he gets distracted and Bobby attacks and everony is freed. As everyone starts to recover, Stacy attempts to thank Angel for saving her before by making out with him, and he’s all, WTF, and she backs off. Things blow up, and then they all escape in the X-plane (Wolverine upon seeing the prof: “CHUCK I LOVE YOUR BALD HEAD”)

But what’s this! The Juggernaut is knocked into the water and he can’t swim! But hey, the prof recently picked up a fish kid! Who goes down and saves him. Which is neat. Then, all safe, the Prof talks to Juggers about staying with the X-Men at her school and then he says he will, but will continue to hate his step bro. The prof retorts by saying that he will always HOPE for better than hate. Then Juggernaut sits down, and farts twice. Sammy laughs, and Beast goes, “Eternal hope, professor?”

“Indeed, Hank” says the prof, “Indeed.”

And then, the book ends, with two farts and hope.

Well, shit y’all, I did it. Next week! Something else! I’m not sure what. There’s a lot of ridiclously hirlaious ocmics I own, so we’ll have to see! And then, in two weeks, some more Chuck Austen X-Men!!! Until then…

Komitchiwa, bitches!